Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/27/2008

Question
I am 16, and I had already asked out a girl I had really liked in 8th grade, and she is just the person I would die for. I can feel it. She had said no (unfortunately) and lets just be friends. Most people would say end of story right there, but I had a theory. If I could somehow gradually and stealthily (so to say) get her to change her mind about me, then she would want to go after me instead of me going after her another time. The theory I have is long term of course and right now she has a boyfriend. I have read his profile on a site like facebook, and I am interested in exactly the same things he is. We are basically twins, (except he looks different.) She can't love him forever, say other people I know. We go to the same school and are both in Orchestra. She is real world,(no optimistic or pessimistic), and she loves volenteering for events and stuff, and ROCK!. I would do anything for her, and are willing to do anything to get a relationship with her. I just can't live without her. What would be your advice on this situation and how would one make this theory work?

Answer
Hello John!

Your "theory" isn't unique at all. EVERY guy thinks exactly this - and every guy fails at it. Sorry John, that's the way it is.

If you agreed to be her friend, you've just cut yourself out of her dating pool. Girls will let you choose what you want, but once you've made your choice, that's it.

Here's what happens: guys settle for being a girl's friend hoping that she'll eventually see what a great guy he is and then she'll fall in love and will do all his work for him. The problem with this is that women are on to this little game. Worse, you already look too weak to date so they'll take advantage of your lack of sophistication and use it against you! Either way, you'll never get what you want.

Do yourself a favor and go read my FAQ's on my website: http://beingaman.com You'll find them under self help. Then, go to http://beingaman.tv and watch the video on "friends" for more on this.

Unfortunately John, you've just ruined your own chances here. What you should have done was to say, "No thanks. I have enough friends. That's not what I'm looking for with you and it's not what you really want either. Now, clear up Friday night and I'll show you why."

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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