Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/20/2008

Question
I'm a sixteen year old boy. I've been having issues with bonding with, not just women, but other teens in general.
I different from the other teens because of my attitude.

"Sometimes the best fight, is the one never fought"

"What's the point in drinking beer and getting drunk? Wouldn't you want to have control over your actions?"

And other comments gets weird reactions, and I've found it hard to connect with other teens because many of them don't get my logic and view of the world. It's even worse with the teen girls, since they seem to overlook me and chase after some other boy who is most likely bigger and stronger than I am. But seemingly not really all that wise or smart. I'm trying my best to be myself, but it's hard when people think they're really funny and smart by mocking you or just flat out not caring about what you just said. I really do want to find a understanding girl who gets me, and doesn't label me as some killjoy or something, but don't know where to start.

Answer
Hello Mario!

Here's the interesting thing about this: what is working against you today is going to be your greatest asset when you get older.

There are two sides of this coin: the "feel good" advice and the reality. Most people are going to give you the feel good stuff. They'll say, "stick by your guns" because it sounds like good advice. The problem is that it's going to cause you lots of challenge in just being a teenager. Those challenges are also going to affect you later on in life.

On the other hand, going fully over to the "dark side" (kidding!) is going to be about giving up your beliefs. I don't think either answer is the right one.

What about a hybrid, a "mash-up" of these things? Here's the trick: you don't have to be a beer drinker to be involved with the group. You don't have to adopt their beliefs to be included. Interestingly, it's what you DON'T say that makes you the most interesting.

In other words, by getting involved with the various social groups not only do you expand your own mind, you expand your opportunities for social growth. This is important - trust me. However, it doesn't mean you have to do whatever the crowd is doing.

If you go to a party, there's going to be social pressure to drink - if you're not drinking. So, instead of drinking beer, get (or even bring) soda or cider! As long as you have something in your hands, nobody's going to question it - you're "drinking" right? On the other hand, you are now included as part of the group simply by being there.

As far as your other beliefs, don't feel compelled to inflict them on others. Instead, be open to their ideas but use your own yardstick to determine what you accept and what you don't. In effect, you're like a spy that's gathering information! Share if you're asked, but don't feel like you have to moralize or judge others and their choices.

What's important about this is not missing out on the social interaction aspects of your youth. I get letters from guys like you every day that have never had relationships, not because they're not great guys, but because they never learned social skills. This is an important education because you're going to want to have friends and girlfriends. This is what makes your life fun and rich.

So, get involved. Meet new people. Carry your own belief systems and don't feel compelled to become just another person doing all the same things. Test and challenge yourself and others will appreciate you for your appearing like them - only better!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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