Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/8/2008

Question
Dear Dennis,

Thanks for you reply from last time, your advice is really detail and helpful.

Right now, I have a situation that I like this Korean girl. I met her two years ago through a sorority party.  We had some mutual friends.  I danced with her and she told me she had a bf and didn't give me her number. (I am not that good in asking for numbers at that time also).

Lately, I saw her again in a friend's gathering.  I talked to her and played beer pong with her.  At the end of the gathering, I got her phone number. I call her after 3 days and ask if she want to hang out the coming weekend.  She said yes and we did hang out that Sunday.  Everything seems great like we talked most of the time and I tried to tease her/ nag her, she was smiling and looks like we had a connection. However, I feel that she doesn't want to get too close in the touching aspect, she didn't give me a hug when she leaves also.

I tried to give her a follow-up call the next day and see whether she had a good sleep and hows her first day of summer class doing.  She gave me a response in the beginning of the conversation like, she had fun yesterday but she doesn't want me to misunderstand, and she told me she has been seeing someone, etc. (it SEEMS like she wants us to keep it in the normal friendships). Then, We talked on the phone for 35 mins before we went to bed tho.

My question is: I am not sure whether she means that? or she is trying to give me a TEST or overcome? If she is seeing someone, why does she come hang out with me? Does she made a decision after that night we hang out? In this situation, what is your suggestion on answering her statement in the beginning of the conversation? Do you think I still have a chance and what is your suggestion for me right now?

Please advice and thanks,

Ken

Answer
Hello Ken!

Regrettably, I get so many of these questions everyday - from this board and many other sources - I can't possibly keep them straight unless you copy the previous messages.

I'm afraid I don't read minds in order to tell you what she's thinking and wanting. What I can tell you is that you're not doing your job here and that is very likely enough for her to not want any more with you. You say for instance that she didn't give you a hug. Why didn't YOU give HER a kiss??? Ken, it's your job to move this forward - and away from the friend-zone. Unfortunately, she's telling you that's where you are now.

The reason why she hangs out with you is that she likes the company and attention. You may have had a chance with her in the beginning, but frankly, it's pretty-well gone now. It might be time to move on, UNLESS you think you can man-up and give it one more go.

By "go" I mean, you're going to have to kiss this girl, make it a REAL date (not "hanging out" - that was yet another mistake), etc. If you have the stones to pull this off - and make it real without fearing rejection (which is what caused you to puss-out in the first place), then, I suggest you go for it. If not, move on.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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