Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/4/2008

Question
hi doc, since reading the info on your site and just testing the field and learning a bit here and there ive become alot more successful with women.. doc i have a problem here and ill try to explain in the best way i can my girlfriend and i just broke up tonight the relationship only lasted 2 weeks i was over at here house earlier and she said that its  been bugging her that we have had sex before we were even officially dating.. doc the sex wasnt my idea i told her from the get go that i didnt want anything serious for the simple fact that when i do date a woman that it seems like if i dont do everything perfect that the relationship doesnt work out or it turns out to be a waste of time but she said she was different, i took her up on it, everything wss fine until tonight when she drops this bomb on me??? what the hell can you make of this? thanks doc

Answer
Hello Jared!

Why wasn't the sex your idea? It's your job to move things forward and if you wanted to have sex, then you should have initiated it. I think this may be where the problem lies.

Actually, it's not about the sex, it's about the fact that SHE has had to do the "moving forward" here, when in fact, it's your job - and she knows it.

You have to be careful about what women tell you. Unfortunately, it's rarely specifically what they claim. They will often misdirect or redirect points in order to indicate a problem - but not the SPECIFIC problem.

When she brought that up about the sex, you turned it around and blamed her. Bad move, old buddy - this comes from only having 1/2 (or less) of the education you need. I get this same sort of thing from guys all the time, "...I've been reading your website, watching your videos, etc., but now I have this problem..." Unfortunately, you've been using only 1/2 the information to get yourself into trouble!

Instead of doing this, you should have said, "So why is that a big deal?" [indicating that you're comfortable with things and can deal with them - even direct them if you want] "We got to this point because of it" [a "reframe"] "and you should be glad that things are moving." [indicating that you ARE moving things forward.]

Jared, these are all about basic relationship management. If you don't do these things, women will begin to question and test you within the context of what they expect you to do. This is a great example of "The Test" and I'm afraid you failed it simply because you don't understand what that is or how to correctly deal with it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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