Expert: Ana - 8/10/2008

Question
QUESTION: I met a woman 3 months ago through a dating agency and we hit it off very well. She kissed me first night and second night told me much personal detail in a 4 hour phone call. Third day invited me to her place for coffee. It was then I noticed she seemed very cautious. I backed off but we went out a couple of times to gallery/coffee. She was clearly cautious. Soon after, she said she didn't want to pursue anything with me and that even being coffee friends would not be a good idea. I was a little bruised but I put the sudden wariness down to her being a single mother of 2 young girls and after 6 years since divorce being very cautious about getting involved (I'm a single dad to young boy). I'm an author and had asked if her youngest could be interviewed and photographed for a picture book. She was enthusiastic about this and 3 months later when the final pages/photos arrived I sent them to her. She phoned me and was keen to know what I'd been up to. We chatted for an hour during which time I reminded her that I had been smitten. Three days later she rang to invite me to her place for dinner the next week. It was to be with a couple she knows but turned out to be with two of her girlfriends. It was a pleasant evening. I took her a modest gift, told her she looked fantastic but made sure I left when the others left. She doesn't flirt with me (no glances or touches) but this dinner invitation has excited and confused me; it's clear that I'm in her mind somewhere; she clearly isn't pursuing anyone else. She didn't have to invite me (and it was a risk for her as she knows I like her rather a lot). I've met her daughters 3 times now. I rang next day to thank her and to compliment her. We ended the call with her saying she would speak to me when she speaks to me. My instincts tell me that I should leave the next move, if there is one, to her. She knows I'm very interested in her and I know she has good reason to be cautious about a new relationship (she hasn't been in a long relationship since divorce). Or, has this dinner invitation cancelled the 'no dating' rule of 3 months back? Is she interested but unsure? Should I just be patient? Should I be assertive or at least confident enough to just ask her out? How positive a sign is a dinner invite with her friends? I would love to hear your take on this. I'm thinking that a woman in her situation (two kids) is looking for a man who will be dependable and offer longevity.
Many thanks.

ANSWER: What you should have done is been confident and taken charge of this situation from the get-go. But you let it run and dribble on. And now she is jerking you back and forth like a puppet on a string. So you have two choices. Either you can date women who treat you better, or if you really like this woman, you need to be very clear with her as to what your or hers intentions are. She already dumped you once, then tells you she'll get back to you when she feels like it. What the hell is that? Think about it. Would you treat one of your friends that way, let alone a girlfriend? Probably not right? It doesn't sound too good.

Let me tell you as cautious as I would be with a man, I still wouldn't treat him like that. You deserve better.

You really need to look at dating other women.

Feel free to write back any time. Sorry to be so blunt, but I've had too many men do this to me, so I know how you feel.

Best,
Ana

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks Ana. I think you're right about how I'm being treated. I disagree that I let it dribble on. I told her what I felt and left her be. I didn't hang around waiting for her. I guess I could spell out my position to her; this would make her think; she probably feels no urgency to act differently.

ANSWER: You need to act like a man of VALUE. This doesn't mean that you can be rude, spoiled, conceited, or bitchy to women - it just means you know you are a special guy and any lady would be lucky to have you.

Think about it. If you treated a woman the way she has been treating you, what would that mean. Probably that you don't like her THAT much right?

From the tone of your letter, you sound like a nice, sweet gentleman. C'mon. The world is filled with thousands of amazing beautiful women who are absolutely dying to meet a guy like you. And you're wasting time on a girl who has doubts about you? There's only one word for this situation.

NEXT!!!

So from now on, you will approach any woman you like, just make sure she is classy and so are you. You just need to throw yourself back in there and somehow find ways to meet women. Ask your guys buddies to take you out to games, sports, music concerts, clubs etc. And then you yourself go out to bookstores, coffee shops, museums etc...you'll meet more mature women there that are probably looking for a guy like you.

I know it hurts sweetie, I know - I had a man I cared about do this to me to - but at some point you need to get some self respect and stop letting idiots jerk you around.

hope this helps!
-ana

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks Ana for your commonsense reply. I'm not so wussy though. I had let her go 3 months ago and moved on. It's just puzzling me why she would invite me to her home after all that time. It's stirred up feelings!

Answer
Feelings never go away. Years later, after you're married with kids, you will run into an ex and be astonished at how quickly the feelings rush back and also how forceful they still are, even after a decade or two.

So of course, she is reminiscing about old times, and maybe she randomly thought of you or perhaps saw a photo of you somewhere and decided to chat you up to see how you're doing.

Whatever. She blew her chance with you. And you're off to bigger, better women.

:) Ana