Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/26/2008

Question
Dr. Neder, your answers have been so helpful to me in the past and  your book is great. Looking forward to reading pt 2.

When you have history with someone, how does that impact your approach and close? This is a situation where we love each other but we've been broken up for a while and hooked up recently but she wants to be single for a bit. We would have to work out a lot of crap to get serious and I honestly don't know how much commitment she has toward that at this point. We started sleeping together again after a 5 month break. She's had her relationships. I've had mine. After I expressed some jealousy about other guys (big mistake i realize now) she said I was getting too attached and didn't want to have sex until she feels level headed. She just ended a relationship, saying that she wanted to be with me but wanted to date other people and that made me a little unsettled and jealous. The way I expressed it was my screw up I guess. Can I salvage the physical relationship or should I become scarce and learn again not to care either way? Probably dating other people openly would be a good idea right?

Now we continue speaking but I'm the one who initiates the conversation. We still make plans together but less frequently. She seems shy of me. She was still wearing my ring last time I saw her 2 nights ago in public but was reserved and distant. We hugged. She kissed my neck and I returned and she said she loves me. Last night I called her for some small talk - light stuff. I said "hey how's beautiful today...yada yada" - showing concern. She was happy to hear from me. We talked for a bit. She said she "I love you" and good night.

At some point when things feel comfortable again I'd like to reinforce that I can be an adult and still express emotions. And that I'm responsible for my perceptions and she is responsible for hers but all the same, I will always express emotions, good or bad. For anything to work between us again, she's going to need a way to process that because honestly, I can't always be on my game and I can't always be thinking of how the other person will digest what I have to say.

So besides the fact that it probably doesn't seem logical for me to pursue this, do you have any advice on how to keep her interested? Should I continue hanging out and checking in on her? Or should I cut back the attention and on other pursuits? I'm not sure if this is a test or the yo yo game...maybe both.

Answer
Hello Paul!

BAM 2 is going to kick your ass - guaranteed!

I'm a little concerned with the comments you made regarding expressing emotion. I'm guess that this was a complaint she had - and her reason for breaking up your relationship. However, this is misdirection. She wants you to be open but trust me, she doesn't want you to be emotive. That's going to wear on her very quickly. Women don't want "sensitive" men no matter how much they claim otherwise.

Here's a better answer: if you honestly want to put the relationship back together, just tell her that's what you're going to do. When she brings up wanting to be single for a while just acknowledge it and then go back to being the boyfriend. Don't give it any particular weight, simply say, "I understand". Don't accept or deny it.

Then, call her up and tell her that you're going out on Friday (or whenever).

At the same time, you're going to need to fix the problems you had before that broke you up. If you don't they're going to come back and bite you on the ass hard. Don't assume that you have to be an emotional giver at all. Focus on your masculine roll and work on the things that are good in your relationship instead. Maximize those and minimize the bad.

Remember: YOU as the man set the direction here.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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