Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/3/2008

Question
hi,

My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago.  She left me for obvious reason, in the beginning of the relationship I was a man, then I became a Wuss and she lost attraction.  Plus there were other issues of her thinking I wasn't really serious to get married. When we broke up I played it cool and said lets be friends.  Then tried to make her jealous by asking one of my good looking female friends she doesn't know about to post messages on my facebook.  It was working, until a few days later I met her and I showed my true feelings..she was pissed off and told me to move on.  She emailed me a few days later being nice and just checking up on me, we exchanged messages for a few days and she wanted to meet up.  I was a total mess and didn't want her to see me like that, so I emailed her saying i had feelings for her and couldn't be friends with her and we should stop talking to which she replied it was ok.  I want to be friends with her again, but don't know how to initiate contact. Its been almost 2 months now, and I know she is probably with someone now. She is very stubborn, and I am afraid if I email her to ask to meet again she won't reply or say she doesn't want to.  I just want to meet her once and keep the friendship line open.  Yes, I am not over her completely, and I know it will take time. But I am a lot better now, and have learnt from this experience, and I want to leave a reason for her to call me and still be in her life somehow.  If I email her something like "hi, just wanted to see how you are doing, want to meet up sometime?" would that work?  I have no other way of bumping into her accidently (unless I stalk her which I am not goign to do) or any common friends. I truly love this woman, and all I want is that line of communication to open and so she feels like she can call me and I do exist.  I know her, she is so stuborn, that even if she wanted to she won't call me if the idea ever occured to her. Plus I want her to see me once, I am back to my senses and normal again. Please help. how do I get in touch with her and have her meet me once. That's all I want !

Answer
Hello Sid!

NO, that's not all you want. You want much, much more. What you're really saying is that you're willing to settle for this. The problem is that I'm not willing to help you settle.

Sid, really! Is that all you want from life? Don't you deserve much better than this? (Answer: yes you do, but YOU have to see this!) You don't want to be her friend at all. Just imagine what it'd be like to hear about all the great things her new guy is - and that you weren't. Some friendship that would be!

I'm very glad you see what caused your breakup (being a wuss) but you're trying to use those exact same wussy systems to rebuild things with her. For instance, you're hoping to maintain contact with her in order to be there if SHE changes her mind. Forget it. That's ridiculous. You have feelings for her that aren't going to go away by themselves; and in fact, are going to intensify if you pursue this. The problem is that she's not going to forget what broke you up, so all you're doing is setting yourself up to get kicked in the balls. I'm not going to help you do that.

Instead, cut all ties with her. Take everything you have that reminds you of her in even the slightest way and seal it up in a box. Give it to a trusted friend to hold for you with instructions to NOT let you have it back no matter how much you beg for it - even if there's something you claim to "need" in there.

You've got to break the spell this woman has over you so that you can heal completely. Once that happens, then you can start rebuilding things and only then can you move on and not be a wuss in your next relationship.

Let's heal instead of picking at the wound, ok?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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