Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/23/2008

Question
i'll try to keep this description as clear as possible, but i really don't think i can explain it in a simple way.

first of all i really thank the people on this website, i've been reading the answers and i its helping me a lot.

second i'm sorry, my english isn't perfect and i'm a bit nervous (which is strange since i'm alone)

My name is Jonathan ,i'm 20 years old and i live in Brazil. I've just got my first college degree in Information Technology, and i work in the area, i believe my carreer is alright for someone in my age. Of course i have problems like everybody. but i have one in particular that is driving me crazy!

Since i was a kid i'm shy, sometimes it got in my way, but during my life i've overcame much of my fears... i went to college and got a job on my own, just like everybody else around me.

even overcoming most of my shyness, it still there and i dont think it will ever go away, for example: I've never meet someone who i had become a friend that wasn't in my immediate working/studying group.

But the harder part as you may predict is with women...
i've never even kissed a girl, and i really know its strange to be 20 years old and had never even kissed a girl. I do feel attracted women, but i'm a total disaster near any girl i feel attracted to... i don't know how to start speaking with a girl, i don't know how to keep a nice convesation with a girl and it probably would take years to me to tell a girl that i really really love her.

it wasnt a serious problem three monts ago when i went to college. but now it's just disgracing everything in my life:
my family keep asking why i've never presented a girlfrient to them , i'm really sad that its affecting my family,
it's affecting me ,i'm feeling really lonely - a kind i've never felt before, i dont really know how to describe it,
and this is affecting my daily life, my fried coworkers thing i'm  down and sometimes i catch myself daydreaming...

i can't fight nature anymore, and i'm not talking about sex here, i'm really past this, it's turning into a psychologic problem... i know that the right woman is out there, but how would i meet her if a can even keep a conversation...

Answer
Hello Jonathan!

Interesting, your English is better than many native speakers!

There's a reason why you only meet friends in your immediate study or work groups - that's where you feel most comfortable, most at home. That's an important key we'll talk about in a minute.

Frankly, it's not that strange to have never kissed a girl even at 20 years old. I get letters from guys that are in their 30's, 40's and even 50's and 60's that are virgins! Women too! Yes, I know that seems amazing, but the fact is, dating is a game just like most every other part of life. You have to learn the rules to play. You've never bothered learning the rules and have used the excuse that you're "shy" as your reason why not. That's a real waste in my opinion, but we're going to start to get that fixed right here.

By the way - don't discount sex at all. You're not "past it", you've simply repressed it. That's a very different thing, but any woman that dates you is going to want to have a healthy sex life with you - and you owe it to her. That is a strong, important piece of the puzzle.

Dating women is exactly like playing any game. There are clear, specific rules that you have to follow. The good news is that once you learn those rules, you can become as good a player as someone that's been doing it for years - like me. Women appreciate men that understand this because it makes their job much easier.

Think of your friends as an example; but let me caution you - you absolutely DO NOT want to make any woman you're attracted to your "friend". Once you do this, you'll never, ever be anything else to her but a friend.

The reason why you have these friends is because you tapped into a situation where you felt comfortable. Explore that feeling for a minute. Notice how you don't have to search for words when you're around them? Notice how things just seem "easy"? They are! That's an important clue!

You see, you're not "shy" at all. You're not shy around your friends? You are using that as an excuse because you don't know how to deal with women. When you know how to do this just as well as you know how to be in your work/study groups, you'll have just as much success with women as you do with your friends!

Pretty cool, eh?

Now, the question is this: how do you get that knowledge? Answer: just like you got your degree, you start studying. You start learning the rules of the dating game. Dating (and it's many rituals) can be pretty complicated, but then, so is computer science! You're not going to go from where you are right now to an advanced degree in one or even one hundred of these messages. In fact, this becomes a life-long study. I've been doing this for many, many years and I'm still learning new things every day! So will you.

In order to get started, you need to have a classroom. I strongly encourage you to check out my websites: http://beingaman.com and http://beingaman.tv You're going to find a ton of resources there from FAQ's to videos, to books and CD's and DVD's to a very active discussion group and much more. It's a huge resource sitting right there to get you educated.

Jonathan, go get that education and start getting over the shyness. Trust me, you can do this like many thousands of men all over the world have done. You just have to get started.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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