Expert: Lisa Tyler - 1/16/2009

Question
QUESTION: Basically, I think she already has interest in me..But from what I hear, lots of girls like the "dangerous" guys. I'm just a simple guy, don't do drugs, alcohol, gamble, etc. I find pleasure in simple things. She still gives me great attention, she already knows how I feel about her, but she still has her own feelings guarded.

How can I, at this stage, lure her in even further so I can finally break the ice?

ANSWER: Hi Bilal,

It sounds to me that this girl respects you for who you are, and you want to find out what you need to do to make this more than a friendship.

I would suggest asking her to join you for lunch/coffee/etc., and to talk.  Find out what her interests and passions are, what she hopes for her future.  Is she in school?  What is she studying?  

Once you know what she wants from life and from her future, you can develop an approach based on those needs and mutual interests.  Show her how her dreams can fit in with yours, and that you will honor her ideas and help her bring them into reality.  This is what you have to offer.   Any guy can provide a paycheck and protection, children etc., but only the right one will be her hero.

Not all girls chase after the “dangerous” guys.  The fact that you have avoided all the pitfalls of drinking, drugs etc., suggests that with whomever you date or marry, your relationship will be richer, deeper and saner than most.  You are more desirable and valuable than the guys who are living it up in excess.

Honest admiration of the girl should not turn her away from you.  

If you have other questions, or I need to clarify anything, please let me know.  I wish you success and love, long life and companionship.

Lisa


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: That was a most thoughtful response for which I am grateful. If it does not bore you, I would wish to provide a bit of background/context to the situation I am in to help give more understanding of what's going on..

I met her through my martial arts school a couple months ago, and I instantly knew I liked her. We knew each other for a week until Thanksgiving holidays came and martial arts school was closed. During that holiday, I got a phone call from her, and I didn't even give her my number. It was a great feeling and we talked for an hour at least, and she called the next day and we talked again. The third time she called a few days later, I ended up revealing my feelings to her by saying I like her, it came up naturally from the topic that we came to in the talk. She said "wow" two times, and she said she was sad because she said "not yes, but not no." She has language barrier too because she is from Korea and hasn't been here so long. The next day we went back to the school and she said she "talked to her advisor" and said since it's only been a week that we had known each other...And she didn't finish it, it was a lead on, and I said I understood completely and said we can just be friends and see what happens from there.

Ever since then, she continues to call me, and we have actually gotten quite close. She even does some great things like she once put her head on my shoulder, hooked her arm in mine, all while knowing how I feel for her. We hug a lot, and many times the hugs are longer than normal and she holds me tight sometimes. She shows up to martial arts events that she never used to, and because she knows I go to them all, I feel maybe she goes to see me.

Now, recently, things have gotten even better. She told me she was going to the movies with some friends and she said "you should come!" She asked her friend if I could come too, and he said "sure." On another instance, I was asked to babysit some kids from a parent I know, and jokingly I said, with the girl I like standing next to me, "maybe she can help me." It was just a moment stated, but the next day she called and asked if I was still babysitting and wanted to help out with me! Unfortunately I could not babysit, and this is just from what happened yesterday. I'm wondering if I should call to ask if she still wants to do something tomorrow which is the day we were going to babysit...

But I don't want to make her nervous..Any ideas? I also wonder if the signs are indicating on whether or not she actually likes me more than just a friend..

Thank you so much.

ANSWER: I'm very honored that you have written to me again, and glad to help.

I would be very shocked if I found out that she did NOT like you (as more than a friend).  This is definitely behavior of someone who is interested in you.  I think what might be holding her back is the custom of her people, perhaps her family's expectations, which is an area that you should discuss with her sometime in the future.  Would they be upset if she were dating you?  Are they against her marrying outside of her race?

For now, I would call her and ask if you can see her on the day planned for the babysitting.  She may need a purpose for the visit that she can tell her family.  She may have planned to tell them that she was going to help babysit, rather than see a guy.  If so, suggest an activity in public that would be appropriate (some sports event, or activity you can do together - perhaps skating or movies.)

I realize there is no quick solution for a language barrier, but keep trying.  If you are not sure that she understood a question (by her answer), rephrase it and ask again in another way.

It might also help if you could define what YOU want out of life, so that you will be able to show her more of your own plans and what kind of person YOU are.  She may want to know your intentions towards her, but not want to ask anything so pointed that it might chase you off.

Definitely move forward, Bilal.  Tell her that you are honored that she has been attending the martial arts events, and have felt strengthened by her support.  Tell her that she is very important in your life right now and hope you are to her also.

If she shows no resistance, you might ask her permission to think of her as more than a friend, and then ask what her parents might think if the relationship grows.

Try this and then feel free to message me again.  I will be glad to continue to offer suggestions.  You seem to be an honorable mate for any girl, very thoughtful and deliberate.  I would love to know more about you, and your background, but that is not necessary if you'd like to keep that private.

I wish for you a blessed visit with her!  Talk with you soon.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you soo much for providing your time for me..

There are some fishy things with this girl though, she does act strangely at times. For example, I called her just before I'm writing this message, and I mentioned how I was sad that we couldn't do the babysitting thing. She said "oh I just thought it would be good because I had no plans tomorrow and I like Amanda" (Amanda is one of the two kids we would have babysat). So these things make me continue to question her. These on/off sort of things have happened throughout, however, in other methods. For example some days we would take the martial arts class together and she would be so great, show me attention, other days she would ignore me or show no interest in wanting to talk to me. I just don't know sometimes..

Thank you so much for your care, and certainly I will provide some background for you in the near future.  

Answer
You are so welcome!  

I would like to know her approximate age and if she is still in high school, college, or not attending anywhere.  The on and off behavior you mention could be one of several things, not necessarily a personality disorder, although that is possible too.

Here are some possible situations/people that might act that way:

Young girls, girls who have not thought that much about a possible relationship, girls who don't know the effect they are having on the guy or that he's really that interested, girls who are overwhelmed with things happening in their lives at the moment - which could be preoccupying their minds at times, and girls who have some split or quirk in their emotions/mind that makes their moods swing back and forth.

So you see there is a very wide range of possibilities and the most likely reason I believe is that she is young, and doesn't realize how important she is to you.

The explanation she gave about the babysitting doesn't really sound too strange or like she's putting you off, unless you could tell more from her tone of voice than I can from reading what you wrote.  She may have been covering some emotions by passing it off as just liking Amanda.

I would still say, move forward with caution, reserve part of your heart for judgment in case there seems to be too much wrong.  Be honest but don't commit to too much until you can check out her feelings, and what's in her head.  Try hard not to let her see you holding back in your behavior or emotions.

If you have to be cautious and reserved, then let it look like you are reserved for the reason of being overly chivalrous and respectful, rather than doubting or overly critical.

Acting skills are a big help!  :)  Remember your goals at all times and don't let yourself be drug down into depression from focusing on one person and allowing negativity to seep in.

It is very hard to back out of a relationship once a girl gets comfortable in the position she thinks she has with you, if you know what I mean.

I believe we females sometimes get way ahead of reality with our dreams and expectations.  

Good luck!  Enjoy her company but if you can't bring this "date" about this week, just try again.  I'm here if you need me.