Expert: Lisa Tyler - 1/15/2009

Question
Hi Lisa, I am 30 years old and am extremely anxious socially. In fact I am trying to overcome this problem and tackle my lack of confidence.

I would like to know what women think of men who don't hold eye contact? I usually have a reflex to look away when a woman makes eye contact with me. I suppose this is because I worry that they will perceive me as being aggressive, or creepy if I stare at them since I am not really a smiley type anyway. I try to have a neutral expression.

Do women like it if men hold eye contact until they look away or not?

Also what signals can I expect from a woman if she is not interested in me? Sometimes women look away and I do not know if they are not interested or just reflexivly looking away.

Best regards

Mike

Answer
Hi Mike, thank you for asking me.  Of course remember that all women are individuals so this advice is just "in general".

I am always amazed that both men and women are dealing with the same anxieties and uncertainties.  Women often don’t know where, when or for how long to “look” either, afraid that their gaze might be interpreted as being sexually suggestive, desperate or clingy.  

I commend you on actively working to get past your social anxiety.  I hope I can help you with that too in a minute.

First, you asked what women think of men who don’t hold eye contact.  The answer to that depends on the situation and many other factors.  

To put you at ease, we DON’T WANT to be held in long gazes unless the chemistry is already bubbling and there is some intimacy going on.

The reason is, it puts us on the spot to either do something or say something in response to it, and we may not feel a desire to respond yet.  (Although that response could be something as simple as asking a question about you.)  

The kind of eye contact we want at first is a peer-to-peer interest in us as a person and some small sign that we are desirable and worth a second look.  (Obviously two different emotions in our heads and they may not occur together.)

If you have just walked into a business and see a woman in line you'd like to meet, brief eye contact with a smile or nod hello, and possibly a comment on the weather or the wait, or some product in your hand that you’re buying, could be a good greeting.  

You may not be able to tell how interested she is at that time, because we are also socially insecure.  Look for her smile, some spark of that smile in her eyes, and if she turns to look at you more than once or twice.  Also look for her willingness to respond to your greeting or keep a conversation going.  (Usually your heart will tell you if there is any chemistry popping between you.)

Remember that with any woman, at any given moment, there are probably a half dozen thoughts going through her head, and she may be angry or anxious about things you’re totally unaware of.  Don’t take ANY response personally, not yet.  There are better tests to come later.

Think of eye contact in casual settings as a polite way to show others that you accept them as they are, and validate them as a person.  That should take some of the stress off of you on the subject.

If you are on a date, or in a conversation, think of eye contact as friendly, accepting, curiosity about her and what she has to say. Most women love to talk and communicate in some way, so we need to know that people are listening.  

If the woman isn’t very talkative, you could try being straightforward and say that you are always a bit nervous talking to women, so you let them set the pace.  This might get a response in kind, that she is nervous too.

If she seems impatient to leave, or looks around a LOT for something else to keep her attention, or doesn’t give you equal time answering your questions, then she may not be interested in you.  (It might also just mean she has gas and is looking for the ladies room to be polite!)

We feel more flattered by attention from a man who thinks well of himself, and even men who are physically not so attractive can seem very sexy and desirable if he is comfortable with himself.

We feel more comfortable in the presence of a man who is not worrying about what we think of him.  To accomplish this, I suggest you start by knowing that you are equal to every man and woman on this planet.  Not less, not more.   (Without knowing you, I can say this with confidence because it applies to all of us.)

Try to relieve your anxiety by knowing that a rejection won’t really harm you.  If the chemistry and harmony are not there, you’re much better off not getting involved with her.

Approach a woman with genuine interest, but be happy enough with your life that you won’t be offended if she doesn’t feel like talking to you.

You said you were not the smiley type.  I think it would be best to practice smiling in the mirror, before talking with prospective dates.  If you keep a neutral expression, she may interpret it differently than you - that you’re not in touch with your emotions or that you’re hiding them, which could seem psychotic.

If you don’t appear to be happy when in her presence, she may get the idea that you are depressed or a negative type and just instinctively not want to be near you.  So a smile is a very handy tool.  You can practice putting your smile in your eyes, not just on your lips.  Soon it will show in your posture and your attitude about yourself too.

How much eye contact is really not that important if your hearts are talking.  I might say, look at her most of the time when she talks, and talk half as much as you listen.  If she is speaking, convey a feeling that you are weighing her words and allowing her to express any opinion, even if you will eventually disagree.  When you are just looking at her, let her see you noticing her hair, face and hands, and smile faintly as if you approve of what you see.  

Imagine yourself acting the scene out as your favorite male movie star or some friend who is confident.  Let some of this character’s mannerisms be yours, and be friendly, light hearted and accepting until she shows signs of wanting more intimacy from you.

Does she lean in towards you more, especially in conversation?  This could mean she is warming up to you and feeling more comfortable.  Does she gaze at your hands?  This might mean she is wondering what your skin feels like, or that she’d like to touch your hand.

Is she tilting her head slightly as she smiles?  Also a possible sign that she is more comfortable with you and considering getting to know you better.

The one place where eye contact is sadly lacking is in the bedroom.   You can woo a mate with touch and with cute boyish enthusiasm without much eye contact, but if you want to add fire to the furnace in the bedroom, it will come with the raw honesty of “facing and embracing” the “person” you love, as well as the body.

A secret about how to GET women interested in you, perhaps even chase you, is to stop chasing them.  Two reasons why.  1.  Whatever you chase, moves away from you.  Whatever you pull back from moves towards you.  (Including money, fame, etc.)

2.  We all seek out people who are self-confident and who are doing their dreams.  There is something so exciting about someone who is passionate about something and pursuing it.  That’s why racecar drivers, preachers, politicians and rock stars are so popular and have herds of women following them.  They have singled out one thing that they want in life more than anything else and are pursuing it.  That makes them magnetic.  Everybody wants to be like that and everybody wants a piece of that.  It makes them seem as if they know the secret of life and SEEM better than others.

They’re really no better, no higher, in fact they might even be dogs at heart, but they’ve fooled the world.

About overcoming your social anxiety – it should get better with age if you keep presenting yourself with circumstances to practice.  You didn’t know how to ride a bike or play a guitar when you were born, what makes you think you should have been born knowing how to work a crowd?  Or even a single person.  Intimacy (even between friends – not just lovers) is a type of dance, measured and flowing back and forth.  Good conversation is also a give and take.  

When we’re young we’re consumed with ourselves, and we have to learn how to become equally interested in others.  That’s the real secret to social success.  You flatter others with your concern for them and desire to uncover their wisdom or joy.  If you master how to be curious about the world around you, you will appear to be perpetually young, vibrant and virile.

Once you open your heart and care about the people behind the face or figure, it’s much easier to accept yourself as well.  You’ll see that all people are flawed and afraid, on some level.  All people are hiding a part of themselves and the knowledge of their shortcomings, their sin and their self-loathing.

You will also begin to value your internal man with a greater price than you do the outside man, which is very handy as we age and have to let go of the body to meet the spirit.

I hope this helps, Mike, and I’ll be glad to answer any other questions or to clarify some of this if it’s unclear.

Feel free to write to me, and God bless you!

Lisa