Expert: Alex Strandberg - 1/12/2009

Question
re:Sorry for bothering you but i got a problem my ex broke up with me week ago and i just don't know what to do and i am very depressed i would like to have her back if there is any way possible i would do anything to get her back and just to mention it i am not to talkish guy.. any help is appreciated
ADD:Well she didn't exactly specify but i just know that i haven't given her eunoff space and that's mostly it.

Answer
I'm going to intemperate that as the reason you broke up was neediness. All relationships need space but not as much space as you would think.

More importantly relationships need closeness to grow together. If you feel your girlfriend pulling there are one of two people to blame for this: you or her. It's either something that was going on with her (doubt, fear, cheating etc.) or you (neediness, cheating, jealousy)

You seem like a nice enough person so I'm going to assume that the relationship deteriorated because you were overly nice and needy. This is usually the case when you are pretty much clueless as to why she left.

If this is the case there is nothing you can do about it. Neediness is an attraction killer and it can take months, even years, to get to a point where you are no longer needy. So, if you did in fact convince her to give it another go the relationship would end up right back in the same spot.

I understand that it's a very tough time and you are very depressed right now but you will get over it. Take this time to learn how to be comfortable being alone. This will allow you to curb some of that neediness inside of yourself.

Don't focus on getting her back or jumping into another relationship so soon. Take some time to focus on your own issues and get the neediness taken care of.

We become depressed over break ups when: 1. Don't feel like we are enough 2. Can't trust that another girl will come.

Not feeling like you are enough basically means that you lack certain qualities to feel complete inside of yourself. This causes you to search externally for validation and approval to fill the gap. This is the source of neediness.

(It's ironic that the more you search for others to like you the less that they will)

This feeling on being incomplete and not enough gets temporarily taken away when we are in a relationship. We feel amazing and whole for once in our lives and become attached to those feelings. It feels great for a short time then the neediness starts to come to the surface. As a result our relationship starts to suffer and we feel depressed again.

You feel like you need her and without her you feel very down on yourself and in life. Learn to feel complete and you won't really care if she comes, stays, lays or prays.

On top of that is a fear that you won't meet anyone else or anyone else like her. There are 3.5 billion women walking the earth today I'm sure you could find one that has very similar qualities to this one.

Three affirmations that will help you through this:

1. I am enough
2. I trust the universe to supply my abundance and prosperity
3. I love and accept myself just the way I am

Give these affirmations a try. At first it will feel like you are lying to yourself but eventually they will become ingrained in you.

-Alex