Expert: Lisa Tyler - 1/18/2009

Question
QUESTION: You know this is where I'm a bit nervous as to people's ideas of me liking this girl, because I am 18 and in first year of college, but she is 15. Some might frown upon it, but I know my friends have not once mentioned an age problem..

In any case, what should I do to help fix the on/off cycle, or is there anything I can do? She is young, but for some reason she acts very differently than girls her age, she acts more maturely from what I see. She doesn't seem to have a problem with the age anyway, and in any case, I don't plan on doing anything sexual with her; that would come in years, many years.

I just want someone to have with me, to care for, and to be cared for, and someone like her, she is so much of what I desire in a girl, I would hate to lose her..

She was very tired on the phone when I called her, I think that might have something to do with it. But she brought up how she was going to the movies with her friends on Sunday and asked if I was going to go, I said I'll go, so that's good I suppose. I just have these days when she makes me feel like she likes me, and other days where I'm not so sure. I hope to know soon enough..

Thanks so much again!

ANSWER: Aaahhhh.... 15, that is probably why she seems on and off at times.  She may be mature in some areas, but have gaps elsewhere, it's common.

Well, HER age adds some extra steps for you, but the overall age difference between you is nothing.  In fact it's probably perfect once she is an adult.

I think having more consistent communication will help with the on/off cycling.  It may be something to do with the changing energy levels as she matures, or changes in hormones from day to day.  Some young women have more difficulty with the emotional effects than others.  All you can do is keep her talking and study her responses.

I'm glad you'll be able to see her Sunday.  :)  I'm also glad she seems so mature, that will help a lot.

The problems with her age for you are going to be:

1.  Worries about her faithfulness.  As you go through college, which I'm sure is very demanding on your mind and your time, you're going to have part of your attention on her.

There will be other young men in her immediate circle, so you will need to establish yourself favorably with her and with her family.  If you win her parents' hearts, it will help.

Accidents may happen.  She may date someone else at some time, but if you are patient and consistent, you should win out if this is a good match both ways.

This is something you have to be determined not to get too upset over, or you could jeopardize your grades/future/etc.

You will need to know what she is looking for, what she needs on a day to day basis to keep her from looking for someone else to fill that need...and then to seem more like a romantic partner than her parent!  

We can go into more detail on these things if you like.

2.  Her age at this time means that she must be protected from other boys who would use her, and from someone seeing you two together and assuming that she is sexually active with you.

If she is really THE girl that would fill your dreams, then these things will matter.  Be charming and old fashioned in a way that wins her heart.

3.  I probably should have listed this first, as it's the most dangerous.  I'm talking about the danger to you in being alone with her.  YOUR reputation and freedom legally.  Try to always be in a public place and have friends around so that no one can point a finger at you and accuse you wrongly.

So here is what I recommend:

1.  When you feel ready, have the talk with her to find out A) Does she feel the same way about you, should you pursue the belief that you two will have a relationship at some point, even in the future?  B) Would her parents allow it, would they welcome you, and how soon can you meet them?

2.  Let your plans be known.  Tell her that you see in her qualities that you admire and respect, and that you set her apart from all the other women in your world.  

3.  If you are nearly certain that you want THIS girl, talk with her parents, sell yourself as if you were a product. Introduce yourself, your values, your plans and your hopes for her.  Ask them politely if they would consider you for a serious relationship for her in the future when she is of age.  

Reassure them that your intentions are to treat her with respect and only as a friend until she is of age, and that you would not take advantage of her.  

4.  Find out what her dreams are, what she thinks about herself and what kind of man she's looking for.  What qualities does she look for in you and what needs does she have herself?

Use some intuition through the next few months, as you see her interact with other people.  Try to notice if she is behaving in a way that is in sync with her statements of desires, or if not...what else do you need to be/do/give to fill her needs to keep her faithful to you.

Please forgive me if I'm assuming too much here Bilal.  I do not mean to say she WILL be unfaithful.  She may be very mature and know what she wants and stay on track.  I'm trying to think of every eventuality that you may need to be informed about.

And all of this that I'm advising you, is not EVEN getting into the area of what you should get out of all this effort.  I hope you will not give 100% of your energy to her, without getting back the support and care that you need as well.

We can get into that if you'd like to continue our talks.  I'll stop here, before I lose your attention completely.  :)

I am very impressed with how carefully you're thinking this all out and I believe you're going to have a great life!

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I apologize for my annoying persistence, but your advice is much too great for me to let go by!

I appreciate all the wonderful comments you make for me, I just know that I simply want to love and be loved. In this world, I have had difficulty with loneliness, and now, I would love to have somebody to lean on, a girl who cares for me..

The interesting aspect of this particular girl is that she came from S. Korea a little over a year ago. She deeply misses it, her friends there, and her overall life there. It pains me when she tells me that, because I wish I can do something to make her happy here. I don't doubt there are other people that would like her as I do, so I will do my best to stand out, to show her who I am and hopefully it is enough to keep her.

I did ask what her dreams are, she said she just wants to be happy. She doesn't know what she wants to do in life specifically but be happy. My greatest fear is her losing interest in me and going for someone else. Verily, that has been a fear of mine in the past, and rightfully so, because it has happened.

I understand I should not get so attached, but it becomes difficult for me to think of losing her. There are even more complications with wanting to be in a relationship, especially for me, because I am actually from country of Pakistan, and customs there are not in sync with what I want to do. I will have to be secret about having a girlfriend if I get one, but I have reflected long time, and I conclude that, yes I am sorry to my parents that I would be forced to keep secrets, but it is impossible growing up in America without adapting.

I know that her mom already likes me, so I was happy to hear that. I will continue to show her mom who I am, but indeed I don't know what happens or what can happen.

Certainly I do not plan to have sexual relations, at least not for some time now. In fact I'm not a fan of sex before marriage, anyway. I will keep in mind the fact to be with her/around her in public places.

Informing people I am 18 is always something I'm nervous of, because for some reason the age-number "18" seems to conjure up negative traits. I'm not praising myself, but I am much different from people around me.

I just care for this girl a lot, and her having shown me as much attention as she has, giving me all the signs she has, and her being someone I really really like, I don't want to let this opportunity slip. It pains me to hear if she is sad and missing Korea, because that is what I want to change, not for her to stop missing Korea because she will always miss it, but for her to find reason enough to be happy here, too. I know she hates her school and doesn't like the people, they are different, as she is different. Even my own friends who know her say she is different too, and that's what makes me like her more, because I myself am different..

Thank you again, I know I didn't spell out a significant question, so I can summarize my ideas up into a question here..I continue to wonder if she still likes me as more than a friend, and the on/off cycle that she seems to follow sometimes, is that just a personal thing of hers and it doesn't mean she doesn't like me? If she has that and still likes me, I surely will understand her and not think much of it. I just get nervous because of the stage I'm currently in, which is pursuing her to like me back..

ANSWER: You are not annoying at all!  I am enjoying our conversations.  As I give you answers, it helps me learn more about myself and the world around me.

I definitely believe you are different from the young men around you, and that she could be different too.  I think I understand what you mean about being 18 now, that the world thinks of you in a different way.  

As a child we're accepted and people smile at us.  As an adult they feel threatened and wonder what we're doing.  I hope that everyone can sense when they meet you, that you're a deeply thoughtful and caring human being who has much to offer the world.

I think you two are both in a similar position, being strangers here, and you can sympathize with each other about the loneliness.  I am very sad that in this big country, full of so many people who want to help others and befriend others, that you are lonely.  Although there is a loneliness that a crowd full of people cannot fix, but perhaps this girl can.

Good, that her mother likes you.  Very good beginning.

I would like to ask you a couple of questions that should not be in a public website, because they could reveal too much about location and perhaps endanger you.  May I ask that if you would like to discuss other aspects of your situation in depth, please contact me through my website at www.chastityrose.com.  I don't know if I am allowed to post my email address here, so if you choose to contact me, you can find out how on my website.

As for the questions we're dealing with here, we can continue here.  :)

Perhaps knowing that she misses her homeland and her friends, this could be one of the ways that you stand out and keep her interested in you.  I realize we don't know what tomorrow will bring, especially in the world and with safe travel, but maybe you can talk with her about the possibility of taking her for a trip back to her country, when you are both of age and you are finished with college.

Even if you cannot go there now, you could ask her to help you to learn of her land, the language and the customs of her people.  In telling you of it, it may help her not to be so homesick, and it can teach you things you will need to know.

You may be the ONLY one in the group of people she knows who will show the interest in her country, and her people, and respect her heritage.

I hope she does the same for you, so that you can celebrate a part of your heritage with her.

If her family are not overwhelmingly busy trying to make their living here, perhaps you two could meet now and then at her family's house, and ask her parents to teach you the language or customs.  It might be a joyful thing for her parents to do and help remind them of their homeland too.

I hope you can show her that she is not the only one who is "different", that you are too, and that the two of you together can make being different a good thing.  :)

If there are other Korean students in her school, perhaps she could start a club for them, or an after school class to teach her heritage, customs and language to any student who is interested.  That might make her special and well liked, helping her to get through her high school years.

I think there is much you can do to be the most important male in her life, Bilal.

I will be trying to think of some other things to suggest.  Keep asking questions as you think of them, and please feel free to contact me privately as well.  I would be honored to have the two of you think of me as a friend.

If she were to read these answers I have written for you, she might be offended.  I hope not, as I meant no disrespect to her, but I had very little information about her and who she is or what she is all about, but it was revealed to me with each new question.

It is probably not good to show this to her.  We can "meet" through my website if you want to share me with her.  That is totally up to you.  I wish to respect your privacy.

Good luck, I'm looking forward to your next question.



---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: It might sound silly, but I feel strangely alone and sad on the days that I don't get a chance to talk with her. I wonder if she thinks of me, I understand she probably doesn't think about me as much as I think about her, but I really want her to think of me as more than just a friend. I want to be the reason she becomes happy. I want to save her from the sadness she feels and homesickness. I want to be that one..

I suppose I will also have to figure out how to battle the depressive/lonely feelings I incur.

My friends tell me that because she is young, maybe she just needs more time before she is ready to have a relationship. If that's true, I wonder how I can keep her interested in me.

Answer
Hi Bilal,

No it's not silly at all to feel sad when you don't get to talk to her.  That's just one of the ways you can tell that you feel very close to her.

I think if you will do the things we have talked about, such as letting her know how special she is to you, and talking about her homeland, asking for help to study it and that you'd like to take her for a visit home one day, she will think of you as the one who makes her happy.

It sounds to me as if she is already thinking that way about you at times, so it should not be hard to be very important in her life.

As for the depression you are going through, I have a few suggestions.  I do not mean to give you medical advice or to take the place of a doctor, but I have found from experience that action is the cure for depression.  Not just random action, but the kind of activities that bring you closer to your goal, and closer to your mind/body and soul being in sync.

If you make a plan of action and a list of what things to do each day to make it a reality, that should help.

Another thing that should help is to find people who support you in your dreams, and who are true friends.  No one, not even a sojourner in a strange land, should have to be alone.

I don't know if your family are here with you or you came to study by yourself, but you should probably make friends among a wide range of peoples, and then find the few who are most like you, or who are doing what you want to be doing.  Let them be your mentors, even if they are not aware of it, you can copy them and let the association of being with them, bring you along further.

We become like the people we hang around with, so choose them wisely, of a class we feel are above us, so that we can grow rather than slide backwards.

Besides those people, if you choose, I could help you find Internet friends.  

In the meantime, work on your personality, your courage to speak with her, your health and your mind, so that you can be as attractive to her as possible.

Show her often that you care deeply for her.  Perhaps by a gift or a few moments together in a beautiful place, such as visiting a garden, a museum, a lake, watching the sunset, or watching the stars.

Gifts do not have to be purchased, sometimes the greatest gifts are ones we make by hand, or are kindnesses we do for others as a service.

In this case, you could pick her wildflowers, massage her head or feet, help her with a task or chore, do some task for her family now and then, be alert for ways to show your love and thoughtfulness.

You could teach her a few games or skills, include her in activities with your friends, have your picture taken together to remind her of you, and stay in regular contact.

Go to her with your problems too, and ask for her advice.  Women love to be asked for their opinion and help.

If you have the money to buy her a balloon or a teddy bear now and then, it would be a nice thing to do to keep her attention also.  You can probably find balloons cheaply at Walmart.  If you want to go cheaper than the ones already inflated at the checkouts, buy a package of balloons and find the lady who does the flower bouquets and ask her to fill them with helium.  If your local store does this, she will give you a label to take to the checkout to pay for the helium used.  It's usually only a few cents.

I believe this young girl will be more interested in your words and who you are, rather than endless gifts and material things, but they DO make us happy!

Your friends who have advised you on her, sound wise and I think they are right.  She is probably too young to have thought of being in a great relationship yet.  

I must stop here for the night, but I wish you a good sleep and will be here tomorrow to talk more.  My husband's mother is very ill, so if I do not answer quickly, please forgive me.  I will answer you within a day or so.

Good night.