Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 1/6/2009

Question
First of all, my name is Adrian. I'm a senior at lincoln Christian School in Tulsa, Oklahoma. I'm 17, about to graduate, and will be attending Oklahoma State University to hopefully play football and get a 4-year degree.
I first met this girl when i was a sophomore. her name is brittany. I was dating her cousin, while she dated my best friend. eventually, i broke up with her cousin, and she broke up with him. i then started to realize that i really liked her. we were talking one night, and i admitted it to her. she also confessed to liking me. she said that she was attracted to me when she first met me while dating my best friend.
one night, we went to the movies and i held her hand. she seemed fine, and allowed me to hold it. she didn't talk to me for a long time after that. she told one of my friends that she couldnt believe i did that.
since then, we have gotten closer. she has a somewhat low self esteem, yet she looks very much like the current australian victoria's secret commercial. in other words, she is outstandingly beautiful, but doesn't believe it. she is an incredible christian. the only thing she has ever done with a guy is let him kiss her once. she's only had 1 boyfriend (which was my best friend). i, on the other hand, (dont mean to sound cocky) have been around the block. i'm not a virgin anymore, and i regret every second of it. brittany cried when i told her what i'd done. im in incredible shape, and everyone says i have a great personality. i am honestly the most humble person you will ever meet, i just want you to know the situation. i could probably get any girl i wanted, except for this girl. i probably deserve it, and it hurts so bad.
one night, i was talking to her on the phone, and i couldnt hold it in any more. i told her that i really liked her. it probably cold have come off better. nothing changed though. it all seems like we will never be together. i've always been more of a macho guy, but i actually cried myself to sleep thinking about her.
we have gotten really close since then. she always tells me she loves me, and i love her to death. and i know i want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, nothing will change that. i made a promise to her that i wouldnt touch any girls in college. it will be hard, but believe me, i will walk off a cliff for this girl.
i asked her cousin and every girl i can think of what to do. they all say just wait and see what happens. i will wait forever if i have to. but i want a professional opinion before i decide what to do. and just know that i respect your advice, but no matter what you say, i believe this is the girl god has chosen for me, and i will not give up on her. no matter what.

terribly sorry about my short novel. lol. i just want you to be able to have a broad number of things to pull form to ensure you can give the best, most specific feedback.

in other words... i dont want to just break the ice again. i want her to fall in love. not for me, but for her. and if i'm not the one for her, and she just cant see me as a potential husband, then i want her to find the best guy in the world. and if that's the case, i don't want anyone else. i'd rather be single than think of her every time i'm with another girl. i don't want to punish any other girl because i dont love her as much as brittany. what are the best steps to make this work out? what can i be doing right now to increase my chances? please help. thank you.


                                                   -Adrian

p.s.- if this works out, i will mention your name when i score the winning touchdown in the national championship in a few years. lol =)

Answer
Hello Adrian!

I think you better hold your promises of mentioning my name. You're not going to like what you're about to read - trust me.

You "regret" every second of not being a virgin? What the hell Adrian??? We're going to have to start with that little problem first.

DO NOT regret it! Be very, VERY proud of it! I'm not talking about the fact that you scored, I'm talking about the fact that you took some responsibility for your own sexual education and begun the work on building it. Being a virgin is being ignorant - AND stupid.

Don't you think your future girlfriends (let alone bride) deserve your best? How could you EVER regret gaining the most important education of your life? Ever future relationship you'll ever have; whether it's with this girl or any other DESERVES the best you can bring. Being ignorant about dating, sex and relationships is NOTHING to be proud of.

Let me add this: women are far, far more complicated sexually than you and I are. Where in the hell do you think you're going to learn about this? Do you actually believe that you're just going to get it through osmosis or something? Do you think that you'll just "figure it out" when you're married? Don't be so naive, Adrian. The reality is this: you NEED to be learning and practicing these skills as they are going to serve you the rest of your life. Virginity is no prize any more than the lack of any other education is. That's even more true for women. They have a lot more work to do than you and I have because they're so complicated. If they don't know how to show you what they want and need, how will you ever know? Answer: you won't.

Now, for some more reality:

Is she going to college with you? If she's not, you're going to be in a long-distance relationship, a very, very bad thing!

More important, you're going to meet some really INCREDIBLE women at college. Far and away better than even this girl! I know you don't believe me yet, but trust me, I've been around the block too. In fact, I've been around thousands of blocks. You don't know what you're in for yet.

College is when you're going to be training your mind through your education, training your body through your sport and (hopefully) training your emotions and spirit through your relationships. You're making promises right now that seem completely reasonable, but are based on a lack of knowledge. You shouldn't be making these promises as they are based on false pretenses. You have a lot of eye opening coming up in your future. Don't hold them closed so tightly that you don't get to see the light, Adrian.

Let's look ahead to after you score that game-winning touchdown and get your 4-year degree. What's wrong with coming home to this girl and seeing if you are both still compatible then? Her looks aren't what make you love her. It's who she is. More to the point, it's who she WILL BE in 4 years - and trust me, she's going to be a very different person; as will you.

Yes, I know...you want all these things NOW. Unfortunately, that's not the way the world works. You're on a path that you don't even know yet. You can't make all these promises for things you don't even know will, or won't happen yet. Give yourself a break and follow the path to wherever it leads you. Don't try to force it in only one direction. Life just doesn't work that way.

See? Didn't I tell you that you were going to hate my advice?

I forgive your promise to mention my name at the championships!  LOL...

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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