Expert: Lisa Tyler - 1/18/2009

Question
QUESTION: I love my husband but now I am wondering if I married him to feel like I was married to the lead singer of my favorite band.I would have married him if he looked different and I was still attracted to him.I would have still wanted to marry him.I've had boyfriends in the past that looked NOTHING like the lead singer of my favorite band.Let's say that the lead singer of my favorite band didn't exist but my husband still looked the same way,I would still love my husband because that's what I am attracted to physically.I know that we will both change as time goes on and that's fine.Let's say that I looked your wife looked like Angelina Jolie but Angelina Jolie didn't exist,you would still love her because that's what you are attracted to,right?Do you get what I am saying here?I believe that I would still had married my husband even if he did look different.There are times when he doesn't look like the lead singer of my favorite band and I still love him.When we got married I did think "When we have sex,it will feel like I am having sex with the lead singer of my favorite band." or "When we get married,it will feel like I am married to the lead singer of my favorite band." but of course I knew that I am married to my husband,I'm glad that I am married to my husband.If I had to choose between th elead singer of my favorite band and my husband,I believe that I would pick my husband.He means more to me.And then I asked myself,which one do I love more,Sex or my marriage,I pick both because sex is a part of marriage but on an importance scale,my marriage is much more important.Personally,I could do without sex,it's not that important.I could have went my whole marriage without sex and I would still be happy.So I do love both sex and marriage but sex is a small part of marriage.But I still question myself about it.I seriously don't think that I would replace him for anything,ANYTHING in the world.I mean if GOD forbid,he got in an accident and lost all of his limbs and had a disfigured face,I just can't see myself leaving him for some reason.I still believe that I might have still married him even if he didn't look the way that he does,I strongly believe that but even something is trying to doubt me about it.I just can't and especially in his time of need.From what you have read,does it sound like I would stay with him even during something like that?Answer this question as well.I would do anything for him because I love him so much.I don't expect him to be anyone and I don't want him to be anyone.I definitely don't expect him to play a guitar or anything,I just want him to be him and I wouldnt mind it a bit if he did change his appearence.But now I am asking myself,would I rather had married the lead singer of my favorite band.I know that I won't but I mean,it would be cool but the thing is that it would not be my husband.And that's the problem,the lead singer of my favorite band is not my husband and I don't want my husband to be the lead singer of my favorite band.I want him to be him,that's all I ask of him.He reminds me so much of the lead singer of my favorite band.But sometimes when I don't like my favorite band anymore,I lose a little bit of interest in just band.But maybe that's because me and him just haven't been very close lately.Is that why?I'm questioning if I lve him now.All I know is that I have immense feelings for him that I have never had for anyone else in my life.And they are deep feelings.It's like he is my other half and that I am not complete without him,I need him and want him.Does it sound like I still love him from your opinion?This is the first day that I have ever felt this way.But I am not happy today so is that why I feel down about everything?I've never doubted my love for him up until now so what does this mean?

This is why I love my husband and why I married him.-

1)He's handsome.

2)He's funny.

3)He's nice.

4)He's loving.

5)He's caring.

6)He's understanding.

7)He's honest.

8)He's loyal.

9)He's romantic.

10)He's sensitive.

11)We share a lot in common.

12)He was rich-that doesn't matter though.

13)He looked like someone famous-That didn't matter either.

14)He has great eyes and great hair.

15)He's original.

16)He's gentle.

17)He's dorky-I like that.

18)He's shy.

19)He's smart.

20)He's idealistic.

21)I don't know what I would do without him.

22)I don't want to imagine myself without him.

23)He's responsible.

24)If he left me,I would probably kill myself.

25)I want to be with him forever.

26)He's muscular.

27)He's healthy.

28)He loves me for who I am.

29)He has a great personality.

30)He's helping.

31)He's not prideful.

32)He's not rude.

33)He knows how to make me laugh.

34)I love being in the presence of him.

35)Being around or with him makes me just feel warmer or better.

36)He's trustwothy.

37)He's decent.

38)He's everything that I ever wanted in my life.

39)He makes me feel like a different person,in a good way.

40)He's determine.

41)He's supportive.

42)He's straight forward.

43)He's comforting.

44)He's courteous.

45)He's simple.

46)He's good in bed.

47)He's creative.

48)He's soft.

49)He's sexy.

50)He's settled.
51)He's spontanious.
52)He's a gentleman.
53)He's warm-hearted.
54)He's forgiving.
55)He's organized.
56)He's fun to be with.
57)I love his voice.
58)He's random.
59)He's a good listener
60)He a good provider.(and I am too.)
61)He has a great smile.

I know that it's a long list but he is a great man!Something's telling me that I pushed myself to marry him but yet I love him.I think that sometimes,I expect too much of him.I wanted to be the greatest wife to him but I'm not.I'm faithful.I'm honest.I'm loving.I'm caring.I'm loyal.I would do ultimately anything for him.I want to be with him.If I didn't want to be with him then I would not have married him.I don't want to imagine myself without him,I don't mean financially either.He's means everything to me and I don't know how else to describe this feeling that I am having about him.We we're friends for two years and dated for five years.I wanted to make sure that this was the man for me before I married him.I do not a day in my life,regret marrying him.Ever.I love being with him and being his.He's the one that I truly want to be with.I wouldn't replace him with anyone in this world,anyone.These are my true feelings.I don't think that I have had such strong feelings for anything before him,he's everything I have ever wanted in my life.I can not express my feelings for him.He can hurt me but he can't ever make me hate him or stop loving him.It's like an unconditional love that I have for him.He's my best friend and my husband.I feel like now my life is complete with him in it and I couldn't as for more.Does it sound like I love him?Does it sound like I regret marrying him?What does all of this mean?What is causing this underestimation?What is you true opinion?

Will he divorce me for any of this that you read?

I mean,but even if I say that I wouldn't marry him if I wasn't attracted to him physically,isn't that still bad.I mean looks do play a role because I think that it plays a role in public appearence of how you feel with that person and the sex.You can't say that they are a great person but they're ugly on the outside,can you?
I asked myself,do I want to spend the rest of my life with my husband and I seriously believe that I do but I keep doubting myself.This is why I believe that I want to-
I love him so much.
I don't want him to divorce me.
I don't want to leave him.
I want to be with him until I am gone,even if we are old.
I wouldn't want to spend my life with anyone but him.
Is that how you know?

I really love him and I feel that I do want to be with him until I am gone.And even if I left or he left,I couldn't stay away,I would have to go back to him,even if we were old.I just can't see myself leaving him if we were old.I could still see myself in a happy life with him when we are old.When we do get old,I do still want to be with him and I know that because I do want to spend my life with him.That's why I am scared of him leaving me.Yes,I'm a little insecure.I married him because I loved him at the time and I still love him even more but I was hoping that we would stay together for a long time,what does that mean?
I just don't know if I want to be with him for the rest of my life,I want to be with him though because I love him.I know that I want to be with him no matter what the circumstances.I love him.I know that if he left me or I left him that I couldn't stay away from him for long,I would have to come back.I know that even if we were both old,that I would still love him and wouldn't leave him.But what if I lose love for him or lose interest in wanting to be with him anymore if we got old.We wouldn't be attractive to eahc other physically.We would still love each other and care about each other.But how do I know that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.I know that I want to be with him and I don't want to lose him.
I can see us being together forever but I just can't see us getting old physically,you know what I mean?
I want to be with him even if we are old.
I just don't want to lose him.
I want to be with him.
I can see us together forever.
I know that there is basically nothing that he can do to make me stop loving him,he could hurt me,but it wouldn't be enough to make me hate him.
I'll put it this way,the only thing that is making think that I wouldn't want to be with him when we get old is how we would look.But then again,every one gets old.And if I had to spend my life with anyone,it would be him.Does it sound like I want to be with him for the rest of my life?Will he divorce me for this?Does it sound like I don't want to spend my life with him?Does this mean that I don't love him?Will he be hurt because of this?This makes me want to kill myself because I really love him and I if he left me,it would definately tear me in two!
I knew that when we married that we were suppose to stay together for a long time and I am most willing to do that.

I love him more than anything and if he left me,I would go crazy.I want to be with him,I don't want him to leave me.I just don't know what forever will bring.What if we just grow apart in the future?What if I am not attracted to him anymore or what if he isn't attracted to me anymore.I don't want to imagine my life without him,now or in the future.He's the only guy that I would ever want or ever have really wanted.If he left me because of this,I do not know what I would do.I really love him.When we got married,we promised to be with each other til death do us part and that's what I want to do.I am just a little paranoid of what the future holds.I do want to be with him until the day that I am gone so I guess that means the rest of my life,right?I wouldn't replace him with anyone in the world.

I would just feel lost without him.I don't want to imagine my life without him.Everytime we do have an argument,which is kind of rare,I am ALWAYS willing to work it out because I want our marriage to last forever.Even when were old,I still can't see myself leaving him,I can't see myself not loving him or caring for him,I can't see myself not wanting to be with him.
I know that I love him and want to be with him for as long as I live and I know that because I don't want him out of my life,I don't want him to leave,I would feel lost without him,I love him,and because I want to spend my time on earth with my husband even if he was old.

I do want to spend my life with him.
I don't want to lose him.I want to be with him as long as I live.
I'm just afraid of not wanting to be with him in years from now.I don't want to feel that way towards him.We have a strong marriage.I am just so scared that he will lose love for me if he knew this or that he would be terribly hurt if he thought that I didn't want to spend my life with him.

I don't know what to do!I want to be with him even when we are old,I want to spend my life with him.Even if God forbid,he loses a limb or gains weight or loses his hair or gets a disfigured face or developes a mental illness,I still want to be wtih him and would be hurt if he left me and I would be hurt if he thought that I didn't love him.

I want to be with him and I want to spend my life with him and I know that without him,I would feel empty.I have a habit of doubting myself over everything.

Will he want a divorce from me now?
Will he be hurt now?
Does it sound like I want to spend the rest of my life with him?
Does it sound like I don't want to spend the rest of my life with him?
Does all of this mean that I do want to spend the rest of my life with him?

I do not base love on looks,I just used that for an example.
I know for sure that he is the only man that I want to be with and if he left me,I wouldn't at all feel complete.Does this mean that I want to be with him for the rest of our lives or should I just take our marriage day by day?

But I am afraid that I will lose the interest I have in him in the future.Not only are we going to change physically but maybe even mentally and emotionally.What if we lose love for each other and don't want to even be around each other?
I love him so much.It's just that I know right now that I want to be with him but I am afraid that I won't feel that way in years from now,I don't know if I will,all I know is that I will still love him and won't want to lose him.Does it still sound like I want to spend my life with him?
I am afraid of what the future holds.And let me clairfy this,his looks don't really matter to me because as he changes,I'll be changing also.His looks are just a bonus in which I do appreciate.

ANSWER: Hi, I'll answer your question as best as I can.  :)

First of all, your husband sounds very nice and you have listed so many great qualities that he has.  

Second, yes, I do believe you love him and will be very happy with him as long as you keep focusing on his good points.

Third, no he will not want to divorce you because you asked this question.  I recommend that you do NOT tell him that you asked it, and do not show him what you wrote.  NOT because you did anything wrong, but because most of what you wrote are issues you have to privately sort out in your own mind and heart.

ALL people question their decisions but they keep those things quiet and inside, usually, until they can determine if they are still on the path they want for themselves.  This is part of checking to see that we're heading to our goals and is not much different than when you are on a highway, checking to see that you are still on the correct road to get to your town.

There is also another issue I'd like to mention, and that is that you can drive yourself crazy by filling your life with what if's.  If you can learn to live each day by starting it out taking a deep breath, be grateful for the beauty around you and the love of your family, ... and stop there.  Don't let more uncertainty enter into your mind.  It will take work, and is something that will make you more attractive and loving for your husband.

Go about your work, fill your heart with peace and learn to let your mind be still.  

Yes, we change as we get older, but gradually.  We deal with each day's events one at a time, and if something changes in our needs or desires, then we simply adjust our path a bit and go on getting up each morning, taking a deep breath, and being grateful for what we have.

I also recommend telling your husband each day, that you appreciate him for so many great qualities and for choosing you but only pick 2 or 3 of the qualities each day to point out to him.  Don't go over the whole list every time or it will become boring.  

One last thing I recommend, anchoring yourself to a spiritual belief.  For instance, in my life I look to Jesus to help me through fears and danger.  I receive great comfort from Him and He gives me food and help as needed.  We've had many miracles of healing and help.  

Without faith, belief in something bigger than ourselves, we often feel so helpless and as if we were lost in a big sea.  Search for God and you will find Him.

I wish you much luck, long life and happiness in your marriage all your years!  God bless you!

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: But sometimes when I don't like my favorite band anymore,I lose a little bit of interest in just band.But maybe that's because me and him just haven't been very close lately.Is that why?I'm questioning if I lve him now.All I know is that I have immense feelings for him that I have never had for anyone else in my life.And they are deep feelings.It's like he is my other half and that I am not complete without him,I need him and want him.Does it sound like I still love him from your opinion?This is the first day that I have ever felt this way.But I am not happy today so is that why I feel down about everything?I've never doubted my love for him up until now so what does this mean?
Why do I keep doubting my love for him?Am I insecure or something?

ANSWER: I think it would help if you were sure in your mind that "band" and "husband" are totally separate.  I think you are worried that you may have married him because he looked something like someone you admire greatly.

Let's work on that first, ok?  Here is the solution.  You and I agree together (I am your witness) that you love your husband independently from your feelings of admiration for that band and it's members.  Now, we establish this understanding and put this issue behind us.

How you feel about the band, can change independently from what you feel towards your husband, because he is the person you chose to be your companion, to be a help mate to, to live with daily, and to be the head of your household.  Some of these terms may feel shocking if you haven't thought of them before.  Husbands are many more things than these too.  :)

The band is only a group of people you most likely don't know in person, who inspired you, but they have to move on in their own paths.

If you really do have immense feelings for your husband like you described, then yes, you do love him.

Did you know that love means something different than our culture understands it today?  We think of love as being a "feeling" but it is actually a DECISION.  It exists independent of how we feel about it.

For instance, people do not feel intense love for their spouse every day or every minute, and that's normal, because our hormones fluctuate, and events that come along daily occupy our minds.

When we think of love as a decision, to love that person and be his wife for the rest of your life, you can be happy and rest.  Because the decision is made once and now it is behind you.  You have married him, AND you have decided to love him and be good to him from now on.  There is no need to wonder if you love him.  

Ask yourself "are you still married today?"  Of course you are!

The feeling that we think of as love, is actually a combination of brain chemicals, hormones, and patterns of behavior that feel familiar and safe.

When Jesus talks of love in the Bible, it wasn't based on hormones or sexual desire, so THAT love was forever and not questioned.

That love is the decision you make to follow your husband, or your God, or your children when they come along.

You said "I've never doubted my love for him up until now so what does this mean?"  

To answer that, I would like to find out how long you have been married.

It may be that recent fears about the economy and crises around the world are weighing heavily on you, and that your subconscious mind may have switched what it is really worried about, over to this battle in your mind about love because it's a safer thing to deal with than hunger, poverty, etc.

From my experience with traditional counseling, I suggest a more hands on kind of guidance for you.  Something that you would find in joining a church and asking the group for help, or in finding a practitioner in EFT (emotional freedom technique).   (You can find out more about EFT at www.chastityrose.com/EFT.htm) I believe you need good strong friends around you that you can lay your burdens on, and who would lift you up through these times of distress.

When these thoughts and doubts come up again, each time they do, say to yourself, "I made a choice to marry this man, and I claim him as my love for all my days on earth.  I do not worry about love, because I have it already and it is settled!"

The issue of being happy is ALSO a "DECISION" that you can't let be based on how you feel at the moment.  Our bodies are very intricate and especially as women, undergo many hormonal changes through a month.  We are susceptible to depression if we don't understand that what we FEEL today is irrelevant.  Toss out the thought of how you feel, it's useless!  Unless you're judging a headache and whether to take aspirin or not, feelings don't help us very much.

They don't remain the same because our bodies and our environment change constantly.  

For instance:  I dislike loud music being played in the neighborhood that disrupts my train of thought.  But I can't do anything about the cars that drive by with loud music playing, and I can't do anything about someone down the street having a party.

I must not let that make me unhappy, because those are only external things that are passing and don't deserve my energy to dislike.

Instead I check my progress on reaching my goals.  Am I doing the things in life I want to do?  Am I learning and maturing?  Am I contributing to society and family and my church?  Am I needed and loved?

Please write down a few things that you would like to do in your lifetime, things you want to be or accomplish, whether you think they are possible or not.  Don't consider what money you have or don't have.  Just what you would like to do if everything were made available to you like magic.

Next, look through your list and judge how badly you want each item.  If the work involved is greater than the reward, cut it off your list.

Now make a list of what would have to be done to make those things come true.  Direct your energies towards making little steps each day towards your goals.  That will give you something to focus on and away from the feelings of happiness or unhappiness.

Please consider seeking God.  There is joy and reward for having a close relationship with Him that will bring stability and peace to your mind.

Thank you for asking me your question. I hope I have been of help.

God bless you.




---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I do agree that the band and my husband are two totally different things and people and I can accept that one hundred percent.But sometimes when I don't like my favorite band anymore,I lose a little bit of interest in just band.But maybe that's because me and him just haven't been very close lately.Is that why?

Answer
Hi.  

I don't know if you meant to word the question like this.  "But sometimes when I don't like my favorite band anymore, I lose a little bit of interest in 'JUST BAND'.  But maybe that's because me and him just haven't been very close lately.  Is that why?"

Did you mean to say, that when you don't like the band as much, you lose some interest in your husband as well?

Because the band has nothing to do with not being close to your husband lately, right?  I do understand how strongly you could be attached to the band.

No, I don't think the two are related.  I think you feel a little less love at times with your husband from natural rhythms and that may ALSO affect or increase what you feel for the band.

Either way, I think you are safe.  Your relationship is safe, if you continue to work on it.  All people have to do that, no relationship exists forever without nurturing and effort.

Kindnesses back and forth, caring and sharing things in common build relationships.

IF you had meant, that when you lose interest in the band, you lose interest in the lead singer of the band, because you have not been close lately, then the answer is yes, that could be why.

I am not going to be available for a while to answer questions here, but you should still be able to get them answered on this site through someone else.  I wish you great success and love!  God bless you.