Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/25/2009

Question
So heres the story: Im a junior in high school and there is this stunning girl who I know who, if you asked me a month ago, I would never dream of being able to go out with her. However, I think she's not too far outa my league, but still out of it. And to make things more sticky, two of my best friends she has crushed on/ they might be crushing on.

Anywho, so about a week ago, she needed help on homework, so being nice I decided to help her. We texted a bit about homework and not since then; and I got the feeling that she might like me a bit. So yesterday, my friends and her friends were at a party, and we hung out. We didnt really talk much, but my friends and she kinda talked. So I kinda felt bad so i texted her if she had fun and she said she did, but does she like me?

Now, Im pretty sure I like her. Do you think she likes me dortoc? What can I do to make her notice me more/ let her know i like her? I think she likes me on some level, but how can I make that better? Thanks dortoc!  

Answer
Hello Toby!

First of all, NO WOMAN is "out of your league". She's just a freakin' girl! If you believe she's out of your league, she is. If you don't believe it, she isn't. Case closed.

Well, not ENTIRELY closed! If you actually let yourself believe this, you act differently towards her and that difference can kill off any chances you might have with her. Consider that girls need to "date up". That is, they want to date someone that they consider more powerful than they are. Part of the problem however is that you don't know how this girl defines "power" and it's different for every girl! Further, she's not going to tell you this.

The friends issue however is far more complicated. Here's the rule: your friends are far more important that this girl is. If they are really your friends and you know they are interested in this girl, you absolutely HAVE TO back off. No exceptions. Either you take care of your friendships and respect them (just as you expect them to do for you) or you lose the friendships. There's no middle-ground here.

The "dortoc" has no damn idea if she likes you from what you've told me. I'm sure she likes getting help with her homework, but that doesn't translate into being attracted to you.

Bottom line: you and your buddies need to work this out first. Decide which one of you is going after this girl - it can be more than one. Then, work together if you have to in order for that guy to make it with this girl. Then, he works with the other friend to get the others their own girlfriends. See how this works? You're much stronger if you cooperate, but trust me, if you undermine your friends, they're going to not be your friends any more.

Then, when you figure this out, DO NOT tell this girl that you are (or your friend is) interested in her! What does she do with that? What'll happen is that she'll be uncomfortable and will avoid all of you. Learn to build these things the right way - check my website and in particular, my FAQ's for more on this.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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