Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 10/21/2009

Question
QUESTION: Dear Dr. Dennis,
      I met this girl, at a Salsa class and we connected instantly. In fact she initiated the conversation, and started asking me questions, both personal and professional. The vibe between us was so good that I asked for her number for later contact and she readily gave me the number. A few days later I called her, though she did not pick up the call on the first occasion, a few hours later when I called her again she responded saying that she saw my missed call and said that she was sleeping. Moreover she sound very enthusiastic over the phone and even called out my name even before I could greet her hello. I invited her out for a date over the weekned, but she said that she was too busy but promised to definitely meet up someday. We eventually went out a week later. In run up to the meeting we had conversations over the phone, mosty in the form of text messages. Now we talk about everything including sex with ease. She also told me at one point in the conversation that she is an introvert and I am the only person with whom she is opening up. But the problem is even when she is saying all this she continues to play hard to get and give me mixed signals like not responding immediately and even telling me that she is not at all feminine and complimenting her makes her feel very conscious. But she continues to be very caring and concerned about me and asks me about the qualities which I look for in my partner and why I am single. I was a bit pissed off by her behaviour and teased her a bit by sending her a text message saying that I know that she is sexually attracted to me (she had complimented on my looks and toned shoulders on an earlier occasion) and that I am not going to make it easy for her to sleep with me. She send me message saying that she has seen me only as a friend and that she is not at all attracted to me in any way. She even told me not to contact her from now on if I am hunting for sex. So for nearly five days there was no contact from bothsides. On the fifth day, I received a blank message from her at around 9 p.m. Incidentally it was the same day and time the previous week, I was out with her on a date. Now I am really confused on whether she is playing hard to get or that the blank message was just accidental. How should I respond now? Pls help


ANSWER: Hello Sangeeth!

Oh, these sad, ridiculous games women play! All of this is very calculated on her part - and trust me that text was NOT accidental! But in fact, these dumb things work against women all the time. She doesn't even realize just how close she is to losing you from all of this! If she does, she's going to blame YOU for not playing the games with her!

Sangeeth, it doesn't matter what country you live (and love) in, it's the same with women all around the world. That, however is the problem itself.

I suggest you contact her (do NOT text her!!!) and say, "This is very sad on your part and I'm done playing these games with you. We were originally so open and close because of it and now you want to substitute the games for that closeness. Is that really what you want? Because if you do, I'm simply not the guy for you and you'll have to settle for someone far, far less that WILL play these games."

Then, be quiet and let her fumble through an answer. Just be aware that she's going to turn this around on you and make it about YOU wanting only sex. That is part of the game. You're going to have to hold your ground and just brush off that attempt to change the focus.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Dr. Dennis,
  Thanks a ton for that prompt response. It was truly informative and helpful. In fact I liked your comment that women are the same all over the world. No wonder they are from Venus. But I have a couple of queries more and I would be greatful if you oblige. I received this blank message from her three days ago, now how soon do you think I should respond? Will I lose her if I delay? DO you think I should be blunt telling her not to play mind games with me or will it be better if I resort to a more indirect approach and tell her that I am moving to a different location for my work, which I will be in a few weeks time, and conclude by wishing her all the best. I am asking you this because I really like her.
Incidentally, I remember her telling me that she once broke up with a former boyfriend barely a week into the relationship, on some silly ego issues, and wept over losing him for a year.  Thanks in advance for the response.

Answer
Hello again Sangeeth!

You should respond now. 3-4 days is enough, but 5-7 isn't out of line either.

Here's the deal: you either play her games with her (and lose value in her eyes) or you call her on her rudeness. Think about this: what other option do you have that will have any impact?

With regards to the move - how in the hell are you ever going to build a relationship with her if you're not there with her in person? (Answer: you're not.) Seriously; if this is a long-distance situation, forget it. Just use all that energy on someone new you'll meet where you're moving to.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"