Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/26/2009

Question
QUESTION: Helo,

I did research about a year ago about not being a nice guy.

Worked OK so far but,

I got told yesterday that I was to direct with people and that sometimes I was an ass for being too honest. This affect me greatly because I don't want to hurt other's people feeling. Is this bad? Should I continue to speak my thought? If it continues like that I won't have friends anymore. Only one or two. Are they worth my time?

I try to be humble with myself and with others too. But sometimes it's harder than me, I have to tell them what I think. Whereas as it's direct advice or a remark. Should I lay down on this?

Also, I don't pick up girls like some claim to be, I mean I do speak with girls on the bus, but it stays at that. I'm a good looking man. If I don't feel a connection I don't bother. Is it normal that I don't get a connection with a lot of girls? I need at least a smile or a good eye contact for me to approach this girl. And I don't have a problem doing so. But I don't get phone numbers by the wazoo either.

What's your advice?

ANSWER: Hello Alex!

I'm not at all clear on what your issues are.

You're "too honest"? Nope - no you're not. Nobody is "too honest". You might be "inappropriate", "opinionated", and you might get yourself involved in business you shouldn't but that's very different than being "too honest".

Speaking your mind is one thing and being a social creature - part of culture and society - is another. It's not your place to tell your fat friend that he's fat. It's not your place to tell your ugly friend that she's ugly.

This isn't being "honest" however; it's being insensitive and inconsiderate. If you think that's a good way to live, then there's not much I can do for you. You should consider that you're part of a larger whole - not the whole itself. In that way, you have to do your part to build up that whole if you want to stay within it.

In regards to approaching women, I'm sorry to tell you that you're a failure.

There are many so-called "experts" out there that tell you how to approach women and to close for digits and (at least within their "program") that's all they do. My students learn that getting a number is failure however - and you're not even doing that!

How can getting digits be a failure? Simple: if that's your main goal, you just don't have any real goals! The goal shouldn't be to collect numbers. Frankly, any idiot can do that. The goal should be to carry those numbers to some specific conclusion.

As to what that conclusion is, I'm not here to tell you that. If you simply want to have lots of sex with lots of women, that's great. If you want to find your "soul mate", settle down and pop out a litter of puppies, that's great too. It's not my job to tell you what your goals are. It's my job to help you get them.

So, that's where you're failing: you have no real goals!

So what? You talk to a lot of girls on the bus. Big deal! How about any of those helping you to reach your goals?

You see, you don't have your eye on the larger picture. You're focused on how well you can strike up a conversation with some girl for 10 minutes. Again, my students understand that's anything but success.

So, how can you know in a 10 minute conversation (if it even lasts that long) if she matches your goals or not. Answer: you can't! You just want to see if this girl gives you a boner or not and are basing your entire "connection" on that alone. That's not very practical and frankly, you're never going to find that connection with that plan either.

You don't have to be rolling hundreds of numbers at all, but you need to find girls that approach matching your goals. You do that by learning WHICH women to approach in the first place. I'm not talking about ones that are easiest. After all, there you are on a bus. Where is she supposed to go? You have a pretty captive audience there. Hunting in the wild is a very different skill than hunting in a big, closed metal tube on wheels.

Even before that you have to actually HAVE goals - clear, specific, detailed, WRITTEN goals.

Without that, you're simply jerkin' off in the wind.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank Doctor.

I think I am too incensitive like you said above, I will have to work on that and actually listen to people instead of always wanting to put my opinion.

My goal is to get a long time relationship, I had my fun with girls, I'm not the type to do one-nights, I feel as if sex is more than just that.

So I keep things to myself unless I am asked? Same with girls I presume?

Answer
Hello again Alex!

You're thinking "all or nothing" here. Extremes aren't what you're going for. You're looking for balance instead.

Simply keeping your opinions to yourself will make you seem unengaged, uninterested, uninteresting and distant. Thus, you're not going to get very far with that idea either.

It's perfectly ok to have your opinions of things and even people. It's how you express those views that is important. If you do it to knock other people down, you come off as weak, insecure and afraid. Those are hardly the types of traits you want others thinking you have.

Let's take an example: Your fat friend.

Telling him he's fat is quite different from telling him he's big for instance. Do you really think he doesn't know he's fat? Of course he does. If it bothers you (and frankly, what the hell business is that of yours?) you can still turn it from a negative thing into a positive one.

Consider the connotation of telling him he's "fat". You're also trying to tell him he's ugly, lazy, unhealthy, unattractive and a bunch of other negative things.

Instead, using the word "big" has a different connotation entirely - and one that's more positive. It even leads you to another more engaging way of dealing with him. You can then say, "Hey mate! Why don't you and I hit the gym and we'll turn that size of yours into a machine of rippling muscles?"

Again, more positive connotations and, at the same time, you're building a bridge between him and you and building a social connection.

The point of all of this is that it's not (usually) what you say as much as how you say it.

By the way, this is true of women too!

I see guys making this mistake all the time. They want to agree and follow every dumb thing that some girl says or believes. Ultimately, he becomes a carbon copy of her beliefs. He does this because he thinks that makes him just like her and that she'll find that attractive.

In fact, having your own opinions - even if they are different from hers - and knowing the right way to express those is like panty grease to most women!

I can't tell you how many women include "I want to learn something from my guy" as one of their top priorities! If you have the exact same opinions on ever level as she does, she simply believes you're no more "evolved" or experienced than she is.

Rule: women want to date "up".

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"