Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 11/3/2009

Question
first for some prefacing, I will refer the girl as K. And another boy as E.

I met K last April. She had the same major as me(computer science) we are in the marching band together and we found ourselves madly in Like. I even started sleeping over at her house for about a month straight until the end of the semester rolled around. We had never declared ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend and both of us had 3 month commitments over the summer and we would have been separated and almost unable to talk ever so we decided to "wait until school started" As it turns out she told me later that she really wanted to date me at this point.

So the summer happened and i got back into communication with her at the beginning of school. It turns out that she met E at her summer camp job and they dated there. But they ended it at the end of the summer because he goes to a college 1000 miles away from where we go to school. She immediately told me all of this though, and didn't try to hide any of it and afterwards all of her actions told me that she wanted to be with me. But here is the kicker, She joined the Army ROTC. Also, we are full time students. Also, we are both in marching band which takes up about 16 hours a week the entire fall semester. But not the spring.

After the best month i have ever had with a girl, connecting on communication levels emotionally i have never been on before, She ends it. Her reasoning was that "I really care about you but I'm already in a relationship with band, school and the army. I just don't physically have the time for you" I can understand this because i saw how demanding all of these things were on her. Also it is important to note that we never declared boyfriend and girlfriend status during this month either.

So we part, and I am a wreck, I keep my dignity and go completely cold turkey communication-wise. until i see her new "facebook relationship status" and it has changed to "in a relationship" but it wasn't connected to anyone in particular.  I confronted her and she said it was because she didn't want boys hounding her if they thought she was in a relationship. At this point we have been broken up for about 2 weeks. She then proceeds to say "i dont like not having you in my life." We then get back together and "declare ourselves boyfriend and girlfriend." but for some reason she is unable to connect our relationship statuses on Facebook. She says that she doesn't want to and i don't really understand why. I think it is because declaring it on Facebook will reveal My existence to E which i don't think she has ever told him about.

So after another amazing 2 weeks she ends it again. This time she focuses on the fact that its really great now but after she graduates in 3 years, the army is going to consume her life. There are not many things I am absolutely sure about in my life, but I know that i love her more than anything in the world. So i try to shut her out from my life so that i can try to stop thinking about her, but i cant.

so a week after we break up she connects her Facebook relationship status with E. Then she proceeds to tell me that Facebook relationship status connections don't actually mean anything and that she is still single but doesn't want guys coming after her. I think this is complete BullShit and go on to tell her that the reason she was never able to declare our relationship was that she feared E finding out about me.

2 weeks after we broke up again she was having a band party at her house. I go because the entire band is invited and so i could hang out with my friends which also happen to be her friends.She was totally flirting with another guy the entire night.This proves to me that she considers herself single so my reasoning above turns out to be false.

I get really drunk (i did not drink too much because she was hanging out with another guy) and she ends up driving me home and sorta taking care of me. I decide the next weekend at the band Halloween party to lay all the cards on the table and tell her how i actually feel about her and that i love her. So i down some liquid courage and get her alone and explain it all.To summarize this hour long projection of my feelings onto her, she tells me that the future is so uncertain for her that she wouldn't feel comfortable dragging someone along. I tell her that i want her to drag me along anyway. Afterwards, This seems to have a pretty big impact on her and she tells me that she needs some time to think.

I am trying my best to simplify this into 65000 characters because it is so much more complex than i am explaining it, as all relationships are.

Basically this is where we stand
We have 5 semesters left at college. 2.5 years. Her problem has always been she was unable to commit to anything because she is uncertain about the future. How do i convince her that i am worth her time and what we have is amazing and that no matter what happens after college nothing would stop me from being there for her? I know that sounds like a really stupid question to convince someone to love you, but i feel like she already does and is just to scared to admit it to herself. I have "Told her how I feel." Now what?

Answer
Hello Andrew!

Here's the summary of your situation: you want this far more than she does. You're convinced that since you feel this way that she must as well, or at least that your feelings for her will be enough.

They won't.

The reality is that she doesn't want you like you want her. You're there when she's feeling lonely but so are other guys.

Let's just see how badly you really want this girl!

If you do want her, the only answer is to start dating other people - and I mean seriously dating them! The problem is that you're just too available for her. In fact, you're a burden on her and her time! Until she feels that she can't have you (like with "E" and likely this other guy at the party) you hold no real value for her.

If you really want to see how she feels about you, stop having/making time for her and fill up every waking second with other great girls. Her reaction to this will tell you everything, but even then, you can't simply dump these other girls for her - she has to earn it for it to be of any value to her.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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