Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/9/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello Dan, this is Brandan, and I'm currently 15 years old.  I have a crush on this girl that I already confessed to.  We used to be quite good friends, before the summer holidays we talked on MSN and go out with other friends, and going to the Library together after she came back from her vacation near the end the summer.  

School began again and as I liked her more, I began to talk to her less and less and became very shy around her (since I never had a girlfriend before and no experience).  I did have chances to talk to her, but I was just too shy to talk much.  Later, we didn't talk as much as before and I do regret doing that.  Then on a Friday, I confessed to her with one stem of Carnation, because some people motivated me to do it.  I felt it was a great thing, but now I do regret doing it.  For the past 2-3 weeks, we only said hi and bye but I also did ask how she was doing for only one day.  Since I know that a "break" would be a good idea,  I only try and talk to her on MSN a little bit (since I know that I already rushed things), but she only answers me.  Recently, my friend told me that she kind of thinks of me as a pussy (sorry for the language) because I only had one stem of flower for her.  I thought a bunch of roses was too normal, but it was actually what she liked more.  I feel really sick these days, thinking of how I confessed, and regretting how I didn't talk to her much.  My question in this is, how can I tell her that I actually want to be friends again, and what would be a good time to say it.  Whenever I think about what I have done, I become very depressed and wanting to return to the past.

As I said before, I have no experience at all, and is shy around girls that I like.  I sort of know what I should do once I have another crush next time, but I really want to know how to live on and just return to normal and be friends with the girl again.  I'm going crazy thinking about all this, but I understand that it is all my fault.  Please I need advice.

ANSWER: Hello Brandan!

Actually, it's "Dennis".

Have you ever heard the saying "Talk is cheap"? Well, it is. The rule is you NEVER "confess" for feelings for any girl - EVER. The reasons are simple:

1) When you tell a girl you're interested in her, what is she supposed to do with that? You're hoping that she'll go "Oh Brandan! Me too!" She won't. You're still going to have to do all the work you had to do before, and now, even more!

2) It's YOUR job to move things forward, and,

3) You do that with ACTION NOT WORDS.

Next, you NEVER give gifts to any girl until she's worthy of them. Simply talking to a girl doesn't make her "worthy" at all. Giving gifts makes you seem desperate and unsure of yourself. If she thinks you're a "pussy" because you didn't get her more, she's a selfish, self-centered bitch. Frankly, I think SHE'S a pussy for not giving you anything back as a "thank you"!

Brandan, you can simply put everything past you and not keep beating yourself up over the mistakes. Like you said, you're not sure what to do. How would you know? What's really great about this is that you're now learning! Think of all the really great girls you're going to meet in your life (and trust me, there are going to be a TON of them!) Think of this girl as your "practice girl".

With that in mind, the next time you and your friends get together to do something fun, why not invite her? You don't have to feel weird about this, you're inviting her to be with you and your friend to have some fun. Actually, that's pretty cool.

Either way, don't sweat the past. Focus on the future.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey Doc, it's Brandan again.  This is not a question, but all I want to say is that thank you for your answer, and it helped a lot.  I think it would be a great idea, as you said, to move on and there will soon be a girl that I would like even more.  This is a great, though a bit sad, experience.  But what you told me made me realize that it's always better to not worry about the past and just live on.  Once again, I really appreciate your help.

Sincerely, Brandan :D

ANSWER: Hello again Brandan!

You're very welcome. Now, go turn that new information into something really great: with a new, incredible girl that can hardly wait to see you next time - and the time after that.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey Doc, it's Brandan again.  I'm back once again just to ask what would be a good thing for me to do to bring the friendship back.  During the last two days, I found it harder and harder for me to communicate with her.  We only say Hi or Bye only, or sometimes not even.  Whenever I see her through the halls and say Hi, I don't want to but it just reminds me of the confession.  I felt great when you told me how I was learning, but I am still think about my confession.  As I was saying, I would really want some advice on how to allow the friendship to happen again.  You told me to invite her when I would go somewhere with my friends one day, but I actually want to know what to do before doing that.  It seems that I am not able to talk to her a lot these days.  It's been 3 weeks since I confessed, and also I want to ask do you think our friendship is gone?

Answer
Hey Brandan!

First of all, you've got to get control over your own thoughts. Brandan, thoughts are real things and if you don't learn to control them, they will slowly eat you alive. Forget the confession. Every time it pops into your head, just tell yourself "no!" And then force yourself to think of what you DO want to have happen. Focus your mind exclusively on that thought instead.

Second, go to my website (http://BeingAMan.com) and click on "self help". There, you'll find my FAQ's. Study the articles linked there on communication skills. This will tell you exactly what you want to know about how to start and maintain communications with this girl.

Third, think about this: do you really want to be her "friend"? If you choose that path, that's all you'll ever have with her again. You'll never have another chance. Don't you think you deserve better? Read that section of the FAQ's as well.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"