Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 12/31/2009

Question
So last August I was at a friend's BBQ, hot August day and everyone was just chilling in a very casual atmosphere. All of the sudden this girl shows up in full make-up, a short cocktail dress and high heals!  Not my usual type.  I felt like I had to meet this chick because what the hell is she doing--right?  Oh also she's drop-dead gorgeous.  We flirted a little bit and ended up talking for about an hour, she was dating someone at the time.  I kind of blew it off, but she "facebooked" me the next day.  This woman lives in a town that is about 3 hours away from me.  Long story short, we have been emailing for 4 months now.  I have tried a few times to set up a date.  She finally gave me her phone number and told me to call her last week!  We have chatted on the phone once and texted a few times.  We had a dinner set up but it didn't work out.  She's now out of state for a couple weeks.  In any normal circumstance, I would have been disinterested long ago, however I feel like we're finally getting somewhere.  At one point a couple of weeks ago I asked her if persistence was going to pay off with her and she said, "In this case I think it will."  I'm holding off on contacting her to see what happens.  I feel like she really wants to be pursued, but I don't want to push it too much and turn her off.  There is no doubt in my mind that she knows I'm interested, I have told her a couple times.  I am thinking about sending flowers to her work when she gets back--is that too much?  This is an amazing woman, and I do not want to end up in the friend zone.  What's my strategy?

Answer
Hello Robert!

Dude. What do I do here? Do I go ahead and set you up to crash and burn or do I give it to you straight?

Ok, straight wins out (it usually does):

FORGET IT! Seriously Robert! How in the hell are you ever going to build something being 3 hours away from her? What are you going to do - go rushing off every weekend for a 6-hour drive there and back? What happens when important things happen in her life and you can't be there? Do you think she's just going to "understand"? Sure, maybe on the surface, but deep down, it's going to start building resentment.

I see this all the time and you're falling right into the exact same trap. Sure, this girl is "amazing"; but that's mostly true because you really don't know her. You THINK you do, but in fact, 95% of what you "know" about her are things you've made up in your mind - all from one "viewing" months ago. Further, all of this has only be when she's at her best. Wait until you see her worst!

Robert, I'm not trying to dash your dreams here, but seriously. Think of all the incredible women right there in your own backyard that you can have a REAL relationship with that you're ignoring for someone that is hours away.

No, don't send her flowers. Yes, it's too much too soon - she hasn't earned them. More important, get your head screwed back on straight and open your eyes. This is NOT a situation you want to be in - trust me. Long-distance relationships never work out and worse still, they always end very, very badly - often after stripping you of tons of resources (time, money, emotion), in the process.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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