Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/10/2009

Question
Hello Dr Neder, my name is Brandon and this is my situation. There is this girl that I like a lot, me and her had a night together over two years ago where we made out and watched movies at her house, but that all happened two days after she broke up with her ex-boyfriend (a friend of mine) and it didn't work out then because he still had strong feelings for her. I am not a guy that would usually do this to his friend but it happened and I cant change that, and I felt really bad about it. (for those of you wondering: me and him are still friends... we both came to realize people make mistkes) Me and her talked for a couple of weeks after that night and eventually decided that it wouldnt work at that time. Now two years have passed, I moved 1300 miles away and yet I still have feelings for her. We started talking again about a week ago through text messages and e-mails and I keep hoping there is a chance yet. As I said before I moved 1300 miles away and in one e-mail she said she has family about an hour from where I live now. And there is a chance that I could move back home also. I was just wondering if you have any advice that could possibly help me? I really want to tell her how I feel but I'm afraid of scaring her off. Any advice is appreciated.
Thank You,
Brandon

Answer
Hello Brandon!

Here's my best advice: forget it.

Sorry to hit you with that without warming you up first, but the reality is that long-distance relationships ("LDR's") rarely work out.

Now, before you go rushing off thinking that you could be one of those likely few that could make it work, trust me, you can't. There are tons and tons of reasons why and even people with huge relationship skills have nothing but difficulty with them. You'll be wondering who she's meeting, what she's doing, why she didn't call you at exactly 8 o'clock, etc. etc. Brandon, you don't want that kind of headache.

Even more important, consider that there are tons and tons of incredible girls right there where you live. Why aren't you meeting - and dating - them? All because you're holding out a false hope that something will become of you and this girl.

Brandon, seriously. I don't want you to waste another 2 years on your relationship education! This is the time you should be moving on. *IF* you move back (and ONLY IF!) you might be able to start something with her - MIGHT. It's not even an absolute, but trust me, you CAN start something with someone new right there in your own backyard.

Don't waste your time chasing something familiar. Life is about all the things you do that are new and exciting. That's when you get to grow. You wanting someone that lives 1300 miles away is preventing - actually "stunting" that growth.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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