Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/19/2009

Question
QUESTION: Alright.
I've known this chick for probably six months now. I met her when she approached me before a writing class we had together. I immediately thought she was interested and we had about a fourty-five minute conversation at the end of which she casually informed me that she had a boyfriend. From then on its been a blur of mixed signals and game playing. Her and I hung out a lot and she would make time for me and I for her. Her and her boyfriend recently went "on a break" and she and I turned things up a little bit. Now, every time she's around me she's acts like we're in a relationship but, she still refers to him as her boyfriend. I know we aren't dating and I'm not trying to lay claim to her. I'd just like to know what the deal is or what it is I should be doing. Please help me because I really care about this girl.

ANSWER: Hello Joe!

There are 3 different (likely) possibilities here:

1) She's really interested in you and is hoping you'll move things forward since that's your job and not hers
2) She's using you to try to get her boyfriend to be more attentive and to do the things he used to do for her
3) She's using you to sooth her bruised ego

You have at least a few things working against you. First of all, this has been going on for 6 months. That's a very, very long time in "girl years". You should have pulled the trigger months ago instead of waiting around for her to tell you what she wants.

This break thing has me concerned too. Breaks are a terrible choice in any relationship. Either you're a team and are going to work through the issues or you're not. You can learn more about breaks by taking a look at the short video on my website: http://BeingAMan.tv.

The most damaging thing here is that you're simply floating and not doing what you need to be doing. Joe, it's your job to either move this forward or to set her free and move on. You're waiting for her to do your job for you and she's simply not going to do it. You are coming dangerously close to the friend-zone, if you're not already in it.

What do you really want here? Do you want another buddy or do you want more? Now, before you write back and say, "Well, I'd hate to lose her friendship!" Think about that. Is she really such a good friend? I doubt it!

You're the guy that gets to hear all about her bad relationship. You're the guy that probably goes out and spends money on her and gets nothing back for it. In effect, you're not her friend at all, you're an emotional tampon; someone that she goes and bleeds all over and throws you a few crumbs to keep you there feeding her ego!

I think you deserve better than that, don't you?

I suggest you call her up and set up a real date. No more "hanging out" as friends or whatever. You're going to tell her that this break thing is ridiculous and that you and she are going to give things a try. You're also going to kiss her.

If you can't do these things (or she won't let you) then what do you really have? Check the crown of your head. Is there a long, white string attached?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you very much for the input. However, there are few more things that are factors.
1.) I kissed her several times the day she and her boyfriend went on a break.
2.) She and I have had a close relationship from the beginning. She is fully aware how I feel about her. I've told her flat out.
3.) She came over to hang out a couple days after we kissed and we started (I guess necking is the accepted term) we were both really into it but when I went to kiss her on the lips again she pulled away. She said that she thought it was too soon.
4.) By the context of the message I'm unsure if you understood that it was her and her boyfriend that went on a break, not her and I. There are three people in this situation.

Maybe everything you've said still applies. Hopefully we'll see.
Thank you.

Answer
Hello again Joe!

Ok, you're well on your way. Now you need to turn things up a notch.

I'm sure you'll understand that fully 95% of the letters I get that are similar to yours are about friendship situations where the guy wants more but can't find his balls to pull the trigger. Thus, I have to assume that's true in any case where it isn't otherwise specified and yes, I'm clear about the break being between her and her boyfriend.

You didn't ask, but here's the next step for you:

Tell her (DO NOT ask her!) that you and she are now going to start dating to see where things go. Don't give her a choice here - it's not her choice - it's yours. If she has any problems with it, trust me, she'll tell you.

Also, be aware of a little thing called "LMR", ("Last Minute Resistance" - something we talked about on my show last night!) That time she pulled away when you were playing kissy-face was an example of it. You should simply acknowledge it and continue right on. If she can't, she'll (again) let you know.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"