Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 2/15/2009

Question
Hi,

I wanted to know what I need to boost my confidence to approach girls for romantic relations.

Just a little background on myself, I'm a medical school student, Indian heritage but born/raised in the USA. I am not charming and I tend to be too judgmental when it comes to girls (I keep looking for an elusive perfect match). I am definitely what you can consider a geek. Because of my heritage I tend to be very Indian in character and it makes me think that I am incapable of gaining interest in any girl other than Indians. So many of my classmates are married or engaged and I feel like I am extremely backwards. I have never been on a date with a girl in my life (partially because my parents prohibited it till I started college) or even approached a girl, so what people learned at the age ten I still don't know at 23!

I am not religious at all but at the same time I refuse to engage in premarital sex. I feel like although I might not start off well with my future spouse its something that I want only her to have.

I think girls are turned off by my excessive intellectualism, complete lack of knowledge regarding women, strange tastes (some which make people think i am gay), or my lack of charm. I've had to work hard my life for my accomplishments, and i feel I need to repeat it yet again.

I definitely don't want to end up in an arranged marriage like a lot of other Indians I've met or my parents. Yes I've seen success for those but my principles are against it. Partly I can say my parent's policies have put me here but at the same time I probably wouldn't be half the person I am if it weren't for all the help and encouragement my parents gave me.

What do i need to do improve myself?

Thank You so much for your help

Answer
Hello!

What do you need to do? Oh, not much. Just change your attitude and belief systems.

You have a ton of wrong-headed thinking here. You blame your parents for your own choices. You doggedly stick by attitudes and actions that keep you from getting what you want. At least you're starting now to seek out some help, but the reality is, I doubt I can help you because you want everything done only within that tiny little box you've set up and are unwilling to think outside of it.

Your heritage and nationality have nothing whatsoever to do with your success with women; save for one point: you CAN use it for an arranged marriage which is likely all you'll ever be able to get if you keep your current attitudes. You want to marry for love but your beliefs and expectations will do everything to prevent it.

Yes, you severely lack an education about women - about the approach, building rapport and connection, building security and safety, building love, etc. Education is the first place to start, but you've come to the ocean of knowledge with a teaspoon.

Let's deal with some specific realities, shall we?

1) Until you throw away your old, ineffective choices, you're going to stay exactly where you are.
2) You need to start with fundamental education about dating, sex, relationships and especially, women in general.
3) You can't resist getting that education simply because it doesn't fit your chosen model and expect to be successful.
4) You're going to have to do what you haven't allowed yourself in order to get it.

Let's take one of the most important areas that you've talked about: sex.

You want to wait until marriage to have sex with your partner. You don't do this because of religious reasons and in fact, don't mention the specific reason at all other than "beliefs". Frankly, this is one dumb belief in my opinion!

You don't know anything about sex and want to remain ignorant right up to the point when you've got to bring all your skills. What's going to happen? Are you magically going to just become a sex god because you got married? Do you really think you can open a book and learn this incredibly important skill? Think again. It doesn't work that way.

Women are far more complicated sexually than you or I are. You need tons of experience in order to be able to deal with your partner's sexuality. By denying yourself this experience (for whatever reason) you are guaranteeing your inability to do the one main thing you'd need in order to make your marriage successful! Here's more reality: bad marriages that have incredible sex usually stay together. Good marriages that have terrible sex usually end.

Of course, marriage is a long way down the road for you, but you can begin to see how one bad choice now is going to continue to affect you and your life way down the road.

Seriously, if you really want to have something different than what you currently have, you're going to have to start with that attitude. Decide to throw away ALL of your tired, old beliefs and accept that they aren't working for you. Next, adopt someone else's belief system that IS successful. You're welcome to mine if you like.

Next, you've got to get educated about women. I strongly encourage you to read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" so that you can learn all the fundamentals you've neglected learning all these years. They'll give you real-life experience, exercises and specific things you can do TODAY to begin changing your life.

Once you get your education set, your goals clearly defined, your plan of action in place you have to get started on them. Simply starting is going to change your "charm" in women's eyes and in your own too - trust me.

The flip side of all of this is an example of a letter I got just two days ago from a guy that is in his 50's - and in exactly the same boat you are in today at 23. He held on to his ridiculous belief systems for that long and is only now deciding to change them.

Will you be writing to me with the same question in your 50's too? Well, time, and choices will tell. I sincerely hope not. You were put on this Earth for far more than you're allowing yourself but I can't make that decision for you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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