Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/23/2009

Question
Hello, i am not an adult i am a freshman in High School, i have been ready to date for a bit now(since year started) and i have liked this certain girl for a while now. She is in to the upperclassmen though, we are friends and we will sit next to each other on the bus sometimes and talk. I really like her but i don't want her to know this right now, i sorta want her to lean into me more before anything else furthers. i want to attract her a bit more like get her to see who i really am. Got any advise on this issue?

Answer
Hello Joe!

What you're really asking me is this: "how do I get this girl to really like me so that she'll do all my work and I won't take any risks?"

Answer: you don't. It's YOUR job to build rapport and connection. Likewise however, you DO NOT do this by telling her you like her! If you do, you're just hoping that she'll do your work for you again.

Instead, you've got to forget the idea of being her friend. There's an important rule that you might as well learn right this minute: girls don't date their "friends". In fact, they are wired to avoid guys that become friends first! You absolutely have to avoid the "friend zone" with any girl you might want something more with in the future.

I just hope you haven't take this too far with this one! If you have, it's game-over and you're better off finding a new target instead because you'll put in all sorts of time, effort and emotional energy only to get nowhere with her.

Instead, you need to go for what you want. Let's be honest here for a minute: the reality is that girls don't make good friends for guys, (although the opposite isn't true and girls will try to get guys to be their friends!) Many women don't understand this and think that by becoming the girl's friend first they can "work it from the inside". This means that they hope the girl will see what a great guy they are and fall in love with them.

Joe, they won't. Don't try this - trust me.

Instead, you need to go for exactly what you want first. Let's face it: do you really think this girl doesn't know you like her? Come on. Of course she does! Girls are much smarter about these things than guys are!

So, here's what you do:

The very next time you see her on the bus or wherever, go up to her and say "hi". Ask her about her weekend or a class or something you both have in common. When things get going really well, change the topic on her. Say, "You know, you and I have a lot in common and we should get to know each other better. Here, write down your number and let's get together outside of school sometime."

It's really that easy!

Now, she may throw a little resistance at you, but don't let that bother you in the least. It's just part of the game and will only happen about 2 times out of 10. Most of the time, girls will be thrilled that you want to get to know them better! Even these 2 do too! They're just "playing the game" with you, so don't let it phase you - just go back to her writing down the digits.

Finally give her a couple of days and call her to go do something you just "found" happening this next weekend or whatever. The point is to have fun and get to know her. This is how you build attraction.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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