Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/31/2009

Question
QUESTION: This girl & i have been texting each other lately & things have been going well. We went out as shopping as friends last week and had a great time. She gives me a lot of Interest (Playful hitting,says she misses me & recalls everything about me). She even came to visit me at work with her sister ( i couldn't speak to her)- but lately she hasn't been replying to my messages. The couple of messages were about what she / i were doing later. I said i'm off to a party & she replied about me thinking of her. I replied "maybe, & how come she doesn't hang out with guys,is it cos she's shy or cos they're better then her lol .... I've sent her 3 messages about wanting to meet up since but she hasn't replied at all.
Why not ? I know she's got credit so that can't be the reason... Please help !


ANSWER: Hello Dan!

No, it's "cos" you're being a pussy by "hanging out" with her instead of being a man and going on a real date.

What in the hell is wrong with all of you guys under 30 these days??? When did it ever work to "hang out" with some girl you were interested in? Answer: it has NEVER worked - and it NEVER WILL work! Yet, you guys continue to do this same stupid thing actually thinking that the girl will do all your work for you because you're too much of a coward to do anything yourself!

Sorry, I'm on a rant here - this is the 4th question about "hanging out" I've answered this morning. That's just how prevalent and rampant this stupid, loser-game is! So, don't feel alone here - you're not. It seems EVERY guy your age is doing this! What is it, a fad or something? Next you'll be piling into phone booths thinking THAT will impress the girls!

Here's why she's not responding: she's playing you for being so dumb. She doesn't want another "buddy", she's interested in more. That's why she's being so rude and not replying. She's hoping that you'll finally, finally man-up and STOP with all this childishness about "hanging out".

What do you want? It seems you want more than just a pal too or you wouldn't give a shit if she responded or not. If you don't, then just ignore her for being a rude bitch and stop contacting her. If you DO want more, just remember: this isn't her fault - it's yours. YOU'VE set yourself up for being mistreated by her.

I guess the real question is: will you? Will you man-up and stop this? Frankly, it's just as inconsiderate of YOU to be doing this to her as it is for her to be ignoring your ass.

So, will you wise up and get this fixed - permanently??? From what I've seen this morning, probably not!

Sorry to unload on you here, but your timing just happened to be perfect. When are you under-30-guys going to learn that this dumb game just doesn't work? Never has, never will. Maybe the entire human species will simply end with you. I guess we'll see.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I don't understand with what you are saying ? i thought being just a 'buddy' was fine. Everthing was great but she suddenly gone cold ? Have i done something to offend her or does she want more from me ? I ain't contacting her for a 4th time so you could please explain what you meant - cos i have no idea !!!!

ANSWER: Hello again Dan!

Ok, let's see if I can make this more clear to you:

"Hanging out" is what friends do. Guys and girls that want to build relationships (potentially) go on "dates."

No, being a "buddy" is NEVER fine - unless that's all you ever want - and you're absolutely sure that's all you'll ever want. Women DO NOT date their "buddies". If you just wanted to be pals with this girl you wouldn't be writing to me, so you must want something more.

Think about this: does it make you feel creepy to think about tongue-kissing your sister or mother? Sure it does! Most of us have this natural aversion built right into us.

Girls extend this however beyond their own brothers and fathers right into their "friends".

You believe (wrongly) that by becoming her friend first, she'll see what a great guy you are, fall in love with you and do half - or all of - your work for you. She won't. As I've already stated, girls don't date their buddies.

I've talked to over 10,000 women about this very same situation. They say things like, "Oh, I can't date him, he's just like my brother." What does that tell you?

The answer is "yes - you've done something to offend her." Instead of being the man and going for what you really wanted, you tried to "work it from the inside" with all this hanging out/buddy crap. She's not contacting you because she was hoping you'd be a man. Instead, you took the coward's way out. You kept "hanging out" just a like a couple of pals would do.

However, unlike your male buddies, you probably also paid for everything. In other words, you figured that you could buy your way into her panties! That's pretty insulting too just by itself!

Would you go out with your male friends and pay for all the things you did with them? Of course not. That'd seem pretty creepy too wouldn't it?

Even worse, you've contacted her 3 times now without a response. That's just downright rude on her part. DO NOT contact her a 4th time! If she doesn't get back with you, it's game over - and now you know exactly why. YOU caused it with all this buddy-buddy, hanging out crap. Learn this lesson so that you NEVER repeat it again!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey, thanks for your help.

She replied back to me earlier today after 3 days of waiting !!! She texted "Hey, sorry i 4got you text me. Just been busy & i am busy doin Uni stuff - u cool?"
I'm baffled because 1 - she ALWAYS CHECKS HER PHONE & said she 4got i texted her 3 times !!?? AND 2 - she doesn't go to uni yet. So what is with these excuses ....
ALSO, when i logged in Yahoo messenger, she logged of INSTANTLY....
PLEASE EXPLAIN & HELP ME -  she was warm to me - now she's cold to me

Answer
Hey Dan!

That's great news about her contacting you - you dodged a bullet my brother. I hope you appreciate how lucky you are here.

Now, don't be baffled. She's lying to you about missing these texts. It's all part of the game. She's trying to get you on the chase and to be that man we talked about.

She figures that by hiding from you, you're going to have to step up and do more and more. Remember: you brought all of this upon yourself by NOT doing what you should have done in the beginning.

Here's the real problem: this isn't the end of the games - it's just the beginning. If you step up now, she's not going to believe it so she's going to continue to game you!

Not only are you going to now have to do damage control, but you're also going to have to rebuild what you ruined AND rebuild rapport, connection (leading to attraction) and safety and security (leading to interest) in her!

Do you now see how much work you've created for yourself? And for what? Just because you were a coward in the beginning and didn't know how to pull the trigger.

Ok, I've pounded on you enough Dan. ;) Let's get to the next steps...

Don't reply immediately to her response - give her a day or so to wonder if you're angry. In fact, knock off the texting altogether. As you've already found, it's far too easy for her to claim she "missed your texts" (as we know - a lie.) If you text her again, it just gives her even MORE reason to fuck with you! Please adopt this rule: NEVER, EVER use texting to try to build a relationship. Texts DESTROY your chances and make you look like a coward - something you simply can't afford any more with this girl.

You're going to have to speak to her either on the phone or (better) in person. Remember that when you call her, her cell phone is going to show your number. In other words, she's going to KNOW it was you calling. Worse, she's not going to answer it. That's part of the game.

Here's a little game-buster technique (if you have the stones for it!)

What you do is to find out where she's going to be and be there yourself. For instance, when she's leaving work or class is a good choice. The point is you have to be wherever she is going to be.

Make sure she doesn't see you and call her cell phone. She'll pull it out, see it was you and let it go to voicemail. That's when you walk up to her! You say, "Hmm... avoiding my calls are you?"

She's going to shocked and flummoxed - all at the same time! Believe me on this: she'll never pull THAT crap on you again! As soon as her phone rings, she's going to be looking around to see if you're somewhere nearby!

Anyway, don't wait for a response. Brush it off and say, "Ok, clear up this Friday {or whatever} we're going out." Don't ask - that just gives her a chance to say "no" or to lie to you about something more important she has to do like polish her cat or change the air in her car's tires or something dumb. TELL HER that you're going out. Get all the details worked out so you don't have to call her later and "confirm" (another part of the game by the way - she won't answer your confirmation call!)

Then, go on this as a date - just you and she - and pull the damn trigger already! Kiss this girl right from the open. Get close with her and make this a REAL DATE!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"