Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 3/7/2009

Question
What's up Doc.

I am a 20 year old guy who has never been in a relationship, kissed a girl, or even held hands with a girl before. I'm not shy or insecure or anything it's just that I can't seem to get anyone interested in me. I'm not looking for just sex, mind you, but a serious long term relationship. It's really frustrating that the one thing I want out of life is so unreachable for me, despite all my best efforts. Seemingly everywhere I go, my #1 priority is to meet someone. Until I see that it's not gonna happen, only then do I start focusing on having fun for myself.

I need to know how to stop being so desperate. Most of the advice I get doesn't seem to work on me because of the fact that it may be that the thought is so embedded in my subconscious already. I can't just "stop looking and wait for love to find me", because even if I'm having fun, as soon as I spot a potential dating partner (AKA any cute girl) my mentality goes directly back to my desire to find love. It's not easy to just flat-out lie to myself and pretend like I'm NOT looking.

Also, I can't just try to keep myself occupied in other areas of life. The reason being is that the whole reason I even try to keep myself occupied in other things is because of the fact that it is recommended to have something else going for oneself in order to attract someone. I'm going to college to get a job in the future, why? Primarily, so I can support me and my girl and so we can live happily. I've lost 50 pounds in the last year and  currently jogging 7 miles a day to lose the remaining weight I need to lose, why? For health and self-esteem, sure, but in the end my mentality is: looking good = feeling good = confidence = more attractive to girls = meet girls (being the ultimate objective). Be it traveling, learning new things, going out etc. all I can think to myself is how it's gonna help me to have stories to tell and impress a girl.

I'm not very shy (although I used to be in high school)and Ican talk to strangers no problem and make friends easily, my self-esteem is fairly high and I am very proud of my accomplishments thus far. I have fun going out with my friends (whom all have girlfriends or wives), and I can usually approach girls without feeling nervous or anxious and get a number now and then. Just talking to someone for a minute will make my evening, until later that is, when I realize that I'm still single. I know it's because of my desperate mentality.

Given all the above info, how can I stop being so desperate??? Do I have to fool myself into thinking that it's not something hugely important to me??? Are people like me with warped perspectives just meant to remain single???

Help me out here.

From,

A desperate dater

Answer
Hello Danny!

Frankly, I don't recommend that you "stop looking and wait for love to find [you]." That's "feel good" advice that simply doesn't work! It's right up there with "just be yourself" and many other over-simplified, feel-good recommendations given by people that simply don't have anything better to offer.

What I want you to do is to hone your skills and create and clear, specific, directed plan of action to find what you want. Trust me on this, as soon as you do, things are going to change quite a bit for you! I've seen this happen over and over again. I've had many guys like you in my seminars for instance - and many of them much, much older than you; in their 30's, 40's and even 50's that are just now getting started! These guys do it and so can you.

The reason you're so love-starved and love-focused is that you don't have any better plan to work on! You're focusing on the wrong things entirely. I don't even know you but I'll bet what happens is that as soon as you get a number, you also get "one-itis". In other words, you focus so intently on just this one girl that you put everything into her. When it doesn't pan you, you probably beat yourself up verbally and emotionally.

You see, having multiple choices also takes the priority away from any one of them. You shouldn't be working one number, you should be working 3 or 5 at a time! For instance, Just a few weeks ago, I went to a very large entertainment industry party. While there, I got 11 numbers! Now, considering that I already have some sitting in front of me, I have a lot of prospects to work with.

Some of these girls have disqualified themselves by being game players. Others I have disqualified because they don't meet my goals, etc. Even with this, I'm going out tonight to continue the hunt.

Do you see the difference in mentality here? I'm not one-focused until that one qualifies herself away from the rest of the pack. The interesting thing is that many women WANT to do this, it you only give them the chance to do so!

Your challenges thus become:

1) Create CLEAR and SPECIFIC goals. "Finding love" is far, far too vague to be workable. In fact, because of this vagueness, your mind dwells on it (trying to define it) and filters out all the other, more worthwhile goals.

2) Use your specific goals to create a specific plan of action.

3) Begin working your plan along with learning how the game is played. It's not enough to simply get numbers. You have to turn those numbers into dates, dates into sex, sex into relationships. THIS is where your focus needs to be.

4) Grow your skills. It's great that you can talk to people and that is a first step. It's all the other things you need. By getting rid of the one-itis, you change your mind's primary focus to goal achievement rather than "finding love" or something equally unfocused.

Danny, I sense there may be other issues (like abandonment issues for instance) that help to cause this vague focus. However, that's not an excuse! You're an adult now and have both the choice and responsibility to change things for the better. It really all begins with one simple choice and the determination to see it through.

If you're looking for a source for how to create these goals, how to build your plan and how to do all the other things I've talked about here, I strongly encourage you to read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" as they go into all of this in great depth.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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