Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/19/2009

Question
Hi Dr. Belove,

I'm a 28 year old woman and I've moved in with my parents for just this one month while I switch apartments, will leave again to start graduate school. They are both 60 years old.

We were going out to dinner and I was dressed conservatively in dress pants and a conservative dressy sweater. I was completely covered head to toe and it was not a skintight outfit or anything. My sweater was new but had a lot of tiny peices of fuzz from my jacket all over that would not come off.

My mom saw it and started screaming about it, saying that it was not appropriate to wear outside to a dinner with the parents, not to wear clothes with fuzz all over it. (by the way, the fuzz could not be seen from a distance)

I said there was nothing wrong with the sweater, my dad also said there was nothing wrong with the sweater, but she was still screaming and hysterical, and said she would not eat with us until I changed my sweater.

I said, I'm almost 30 years old...there's nothing wrong with my sweater. My mom screamed she would not go out and eat dinner with us then and would stay home. My dad said 'just go change, I don't want to deal with her yelling tonight' and I went and changed. My mom kept going on about what a burden I am to the family, living at home for a month and not having a job helping paying their bills, etc.

What do you think about this situation?

What was her big deal?

And should I have stood up to her? I'm almost 30 years old, it's ridiculous that she tells me what to wear. When I was already dressed like a 60 year old. Or just change and enjoy the peace without conflict.

Answer
Hello Dana!

I think your mother has a problem. I don't know what that is, but my response would have been, "Well Mom, I'm sorry you want to go hungry, but I'd think you can find a way to look past it rather than throwing tantrums."

Sometimes raising parents is a difficult burden!

Age is not an indicator of emotional age. For whatever reason you and your mom have some tension between you - or maybe it's not even between you at all - maybe your mother just has some personal issues going on.

Let's face it, this wasn't about the sweater at all. If it was, you changing it would have solved the problem. It didn't. That tells me that:

1) She has something else that's bothering her, and

2) The sooner you're out of there, the better for your relationship with her.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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