Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/10/2009

Question
Hey. I am 17 years old. Graduating high school in June. I
never had a girlfriend so far. All my friends say I am too
innocent and too nice.  Most guys I know they just see a
girl that they like..they go for it.  However, I can do
that but the girls I meet only stay at the friend level (I
have a lot of friends who are girls and as a courtesy we
always say hi to each other, my guy friends are always
surprised when I say hi to girls because they always think
why am I waving to some random girl). My friends joke
around by saying being innocent is good when meeting
parents but bad if I am trying to get a girl. I have many
friends who are girls and they give me pointers. But
whenever I begin to like a girl I freeze up and become very
awkward. Usually I’m very open, but not when I’m with a
girl I like. One friend of mine she gave me tips (I like
her). I have to be confident and assertive..that I can be
when I’m with friends, but I never seem to have any courage
when I’m with someone I like. Well the group I hangout
with, the girls know they say I’m just too nice and they
say its good to be like that if I want a lot of friends but
don’t be too good or else girls I want to be with wont find
me daring enough. My guy friends eh not much help from them
compared to the girls. They just say “suck it up and just
do it.”  Also I make a big deal out of everything. My
friends say I over think too much and I don’t act. I just
want to know how I can open myself up and be more outgoing
(but not in order to be just be friends I can do that) but
so I can be in a relationship with someone I like.
And I’m sorry if all of this is jumbled up.  

Answer
Hello David!

Your first problem here is starting them at the friend-level. Once you start this, it NEVER becomes anything else.

The second problem is a general lack of education about women - and trying to get education from women, especially those you're interested in and have already become friends.

The third is a general lack of self-esteem.

Let me deal with the last one first: I like myself too much to let women treat me as the "friend". Being a friend is nothing less than an insult! I deserve more. So do you, but you don't know it yet. That's why you put up with it.

The sad reality is that women don't generally make good friends for men. If you actually believed that you deserved more than this, you wouldn't accept it, but you DO accept it because you don't know any better.

Education is another aspect. Sure, it's one thing to say that you shouldn't be so nice all the time, but what does that mean? How do you not be nice? Didn't your mother tell you to always be nice?

You see, the problem with this is that nice guys never instill any feelings of safety and security in women. They absolutely HAVE to have these feelings if they are ever going to feel attraction; and of course, they have to feel attracted if they are going to feel love. You are stopping them cold in their tracks by being the nice guy.

You need to discover your inner asshole in order to move past this, but you never will as long as you don't believe you deserve any better from women.

This goes back to my first point. Since you don't believe you deserve any better, you gladly accept women's friendships. That's a huge waste of your time and energy save for one specific circumstance that I'm not going to get into here: the "wing-babe".

You need a new group that can help you break out of this shell and start to get in touch with those masculine traits that you have hidden inside of you. You're going to fight this until you accept the possibilities. I strongly encourage you to join out "Being a Man" discussion group (it's free by the way.) You'll learn a ton of new things about the way men think and act. You can find out more about it on my website.

Bottom line is this: you've got to get over this self-defeating belief system if you want any chance with women. At least you're looking into it now rather than waiting for another 17 years to get it figured out!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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