Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/23/2009

Question
QUESTION:
"Hi, So i am currently in grad school. I met a girl in my class almost a year ago now and we became really good friends. She was and still is in a long distance relationship. Anyways, one night we went out and kind of kissed where we kissed each other on the cheek and some of our friends kind of broke it off before it went farther. She came up to me several times that night and even asked for a kiss but I said no and then just kissed her on the cheeck (maybe what she meant). Anyways, the next day she said she didnt remember anything so i didnt make a big deal out of it. That week we became even closer and we started flirting more and she even came over to my place for a bit but nothing happened. So we go out later in the week with our friends (there were 6 of us really close) and she says she remembers trying to kiss me and then i told her i really cared about her and she said she really loved her boyfriend and thought of me as a close friend. So I said ok, I was hurt a bit but still wanted her in my life. Anyways, somehow the next day she sends me an email saying she didnt mean to lead me on and that she didnt want to jepordize her relationship but wanted to remain good friends which I said was fine. However she somehow became upset and basically we stopped talking and I dont really talk to any of those people anymore. It has been 6 months and I have tried talking to her but she just doesnt seem to want to have anything to do with me now. I sent her a final email a while back saying how much I missed our friendship and she said she doesnt feel like we can ever be great friends again b.c of her relationship, but we arent any type of friends really. We say hi to each other and thats it. I have to see her everyday so its hard for me to move pass this. I just want her back in my life but I dont know what to say to her or do at this point. We are going on a trip together for 10 days over the summer with some other students, but im not sure if that will help or just be an awkward trip. I dont know how to act or what to do. I would appreciate any advice. I have moved on in the sense that I hang out with different people and things, but I still miss her."


ANSWER: Hello Lance!

Wait a minute - your friends "broke it off"?? What the hell kind of "friends" are these? More important what in the hell business is it of theirs anyway??

Lance, you have really screwed this one up. She's showing you interest, she's even trying to kiss you to get you to man-up and you turn her down. Then, she pulls the friends thing and you (weakly) agree. Then when you agree she gets mad (because that's not at all what she wanted) and you back down AGAIN.

Now, she's so over you that she won't even talk to you and only now do you come looking for help.

Ok, let's start with some reality:

1) The long-distance guy is pure fantasy - nothing else. (Dumb) women think this is all so romantic, but deep-down they realize the futility of it. He can't be there when good or bad things happen in her life. The electronic void only serves to make the distance even more real, etc. The entire relationship exists only in their minds - not in reality.

2) Because of this, you had an incredible chance to make something of it.

3) That would have required that you be the man here and tell her what you expected of her.

4) Instead, you let HER be the man and lead you around by the nose; setting all the rules and the entire game itself.

5) Which you followed like a whipped puppy!

6) She even gave you chance after chance to man-up.

7) And you flat-out told her (through your actions) that you refused to do that!

8) Now that you have this 10-day trip coming up, you think you might have a chance with her again.

Well, the answer is no - you don't.

Unless...

You're able to fix all these dumb mistakes you've made. Lance, to be honest, I don't think you can. You not only have to completely change her image of you from this weak little boy that simply follows mommy's orders into the strong, directed guy that makes things happen, but you also have to then re-woo her on top of it - and not screw it all up again!

Frankly, that's a LOT of work. Can you really pull that off? Yes, I know you're going "sure I can!", but before you believe that, look at your history.

Lance, learning to do all the right things up front is very difficult for men. It usually takes tons of heartache - or women with the patience to help you through it. She's obviously not the latter and I don't sense you're the former - yet.

If you really want a shot at her, you're going to have to turn things around BEFORE the trip comes up. Not that you have to build a relationship with her - that can happen when you're in a different environment much easier. On the other hand, you're going to have to plant the seeds of it now.

If she's no longer talking to you, that's all you have to work with. I suggest you play-embarrass her over it. When you're with your friends and she tries to ignore you, bust her on it. Say, "Are you ignoring me???" She'll have to respond in front of her friends.

Now, be aware that part of this game is to expose you for being the coward you showed yourself to be with all of the previous mistakes. Sorry, you're just going to have to suck it up and deal with it now. Yes, that's far, FAR more difficult to do now. It would have been much easier if you'd handled it correct in the beginning, but that's not where things are.

You're going to have to stand up for yourself and turn it around. I can't tell you specifically how to do that because it'll be based on what she does or says. You're going to have to play it by ear and calmly and confidently give it back to her. This playful challenging between you is going to slowly rebuild her respect and interest in you if you play it right.

Remember: this has to be YOUR game - not hers. She's already had her way with you - and you let her do it. More of that is simply going to kill things off even further. Instead, if you can take that control back, you'll be telling her that you're ready to play the game with her again.

I would also strongly suggest you get a new girlfriend in the process too. Yes, that's ANOTHER big challenge for you here, but if other girls think you're worth dating, it's going to help to change her attitude about you too.

Lance, this is all up-hill at this point. Do you really have what it takes to turn things around? Well, we'll see.

Oh, and by the way - tell your friends to butt the hell out of all of this. It's none of their business and frankly, they all need to go get lives of their own.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for the advise. I think you are right that I just chickened out and probably should have gone for it. I know that I have lost her respect, but its more than that.
It seems that i became so whiney after all this that my whole class sort of seems me that way. I want to change my image not only in her eyes but in everyone elses as well.

Whether or not something happens with us again, I really would want us to be atleast friends, I mean I will obviously try and pursue her the way you suggested but even if that
never happens, I would like to atleast have my own self-respect back and the respect of others.

Could you offer me any more advice on how to go about changing her image of me as well as others?

Thanks.

ANSWER: Hello again Lance!

First of all, DO NOT become her friend! That's just more conciliation and weakness. It's like you're giving up and just settling for whatever she'll throw you. You don't want friendship, you want more. Demand it or walk.

You see, this is just MORE of the exact same attitude that caused all of this in the first place. You have a systemic problem here. It's not about a few acts, it's about an entire attitude and belief system.

Those don't change over night and you have a lot of work ahead of you. Ultimately, it's about always striving to do the right (stronger) thing every chance you get. Every little weakness magnifies itself many times because it has the power of your history behind it.

Lance, I sense you have no good roll models to follow. That's something that many guys today have to suffer with. You can't look around and ask yourself, "what would [your roll model] do in this situation?" You're going to need to find this roll model and really work to instill his attitudes as your own until they become habits for you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I agree with you Dr. Neder that my attitude is the problem. Its funny that when I used to behave more confidently and relaxed like I was the prize she and other people were a lot
more into me. I just dont know how to get back there, Im not that bad with most girls, but around her I turn into Mush. I was going to pull her aside and just kind of
call her out on the bullshit and  her acting immaturely because we only have a week of school left and then a 2 month break before that trip. Do you think I should do it
that way, or just try and drop hints like you suggested infront of her friends and other people? I know its hard for you to give me specifics since you are not in the situation but any insight you could provide would be great.

Thanks again for all the help,
Lance

Answer
Hey Lance!

So what are you going to do if she turns you down and won't discuss things with you? That's not much of a plan unless you can answer that question. What if you talk to her and she simply disagrees with your analysis of the situation, what then?

You see, you're simply reacting to things - not planning them out. Therein lies the problem. You have no patterns to follow and just want to react. Reacting like this is what caused your original problem and is now keeping you from solving it.

You need to have some distance in order to rebuild that original attitude - the one that attracted her in the first place - and to be able to bring it like you used to.

Don't just react here. Since you and she share friends, it's likely that you're going to see her before two months anyway, but even if you don't, this distance gives you a chance to work on things. Don't think you have to get this handled before the end of school. Letting her watch the end come and go is probably the best presentation you can give her!

Use this time to your advantage, and while you're at it, go meet and start dating some new girls already!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"