Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 4/20/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hey, my name is Minh. I'm Vietnamese. I am just 15 years-old but you know, human feelings are never too early. I loved a girl. Last month, I screw everything  up and now she doesn't talk to me. Here's the story : I fell in love with her 3 years ago. Some of my friends knew and they often teased me and her with it. So she was kind of knew it and some kind i thought she did respond. But later, I couldn't wait more. 1 month ago, I sent her a letter saying I loved her so much. She face to face said that could we just be friends ? I agreed. But I kind of went mad ( i think ) and screwed it up by telling everyone. And on 14-2, people all knew that I  was about to make it big. So she hid from me so that I couldn't gift her. She was embarrassed. But I still did it. And the whole school saw ! And before it, I said that I was jealous of a boy sat next to her to a friend that I asked for guiding me on flirting the girl. She heard that. So after Valentine, she stopped talking to me, get annoyed seeing me. I don't know what to do ! I am fed up. I'm so tired. I couldn't think of anything I could do. Please help me ok ? Thanks a lot. And sorry for my bad English !

ANSWER: Hello Minh!

In life, you can have anything you want - but not anybody. This girl has told you in words and especially actions that she's just not interested, yet you continue to believe that if you can just try hard enough that you can have her.

Minh, you can't.

Here's the worst part of all of this - it's making you crazy. You're letting it affect your social life and likely your studies as well. That's a terrible waste of time.

I'm glad you wrote to me because we can finally get this handled so you can deal with it, get healed and move on. That's exactly what you need to do at this point.

Accept the fact that she's not interested. Just agree with it, accept it and let yourself get through the healing process. As part of this you need to gather up everything that reminds you of her and destroy it. If you don't, you're never going to purge your mind of this girl and be able to get healthy over it.

I'm sorry to give you the bad news, but the reality is that this is game-over. You need to accept that fact so you can move on.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi, I've read your answer. But I think that any lock has its own key ? Can I at least do anything to get her ? I hear that they say that if you try hard, you can get anything you ever want ? At least can you tell me how to make it up and be friend with her again ? I really want to be friend wit' her again. Please tell me how. Thanks. And hey, I think 'dat sometimes she gives me peep ( I dunno, just I turned my head around and then saw she was lookin' at me) ? I dont know, maybe hallucination. Anyway, please tell me how to make friend wit' her and be normal again. Thank you very much. You're the best.

ANSWER: Hello again Minh!

Yes, you can get anything you want - but not anybody. Doing that would involve setting goals for someone else and that simply isn't part of the way the world works.

Further, you're so focused on her exclusively, think about how many great women you're missing because all you see is her. That's a shame because the reality is this: it's not going to happen. You could spend the next two years working hard trying to convince her that she needs to be with you, but she's already decided (set her own goals) to NOT be with you. Who's going to win here? Answer: her.

Then, you're going to have to heal and move on anyway - after wasting all that time. Instead, you could get working on that now and save that time so you have even more to invest in someone that WILL love you just as you do them.

Friendship? No, you don't want to be her friend. Again, this is more of your bad planning. Think about this: you want to be her friend because you hope that she'll see what a great guy you are and change her mind. The problem is that she already knows that game and isn't going to play it with you. Trust me.

Even if it were to work (it won't by the way - thankfully) you'd have to sit there biting your tongue while she told you about all the great guys she's dating and getting to know and even thinking about marrying while you sit there and continue to hurt.

Minh, why would I help you do that to yourself? If you want to be "normal again" you're going to have to let this go, heal up and move on.

If you still don't believe me, then simply go to her, continue to humiliate yourself in her eyes and beg her to be your friend. After enough pain, you're going to eventually realize I was right, but by then it'll be too late and you'll have wasted maybe years of your life only to have to do what I've already told you anyway.

The choice is yours.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I'm sorry bothering you one more time. I meant I wanted to be friends with her again. She's a really good friend, and I don't want to lose a friend like that. I want to know how to convince her that I just want us to be friends like old times. I really do. Please help/

Answer
Hey Minh!

Did you bother to read my last response? No, you really don't want to be her friend. Think about that: are you really going to be ok watching her meet some new guy and coming to you to tell you how great he is and watching her go through all of the relationship things you wanted for yourself? Seriously? Is that all you think you're worth???

I've already told you what to do: go humiliate yourself and beg her to be your friend again. It's all up to her. Frankly, I think you deserve more, but you obviously don't.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"