Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/26/2009

Question
QUESTION: There's this girl i like at my work that i started working with, i asked her out and was told she was seeing someone, so i respect that, the thing i don't understand is the body signs i am seeing. I can tell she's a low key/shy person. I'm a shy guy myself and i knew if i asked her she'd say no but i thought i'd give it a try anyways, was stupid on my part.

Examples -
1. If I am talking to her while we're both sitting down she can look at me with no problems, but if she's right next to me, or close to me she consistently looks away and looks back like she's nervous when she's close to me.

2. When she was near me again as she was talking and i was listening i notice her playing with her hair as she was talking.

Notes -
This was about work related stuff, so i don't see why she would be so nervous around me.

I think it might be because i asked her out, and it might have given her an awkward feeling around me, I'm not quite sure as to what's going on.

I also notice she doesn't like to be very open around me, and though i see her laughing with the female co workers that i work with ( i am a guy), she seems to not be able to talk to me openly.

We only talk every so often now and it's mainly work related stuff, on a rare occasion we talk about other stuff.

I really do respect her and i do like her but it seems like it would go nowhere fast because she has someone she's seeing at the moment.

My question is why can't she just talk to me normally,
why am i seeing such body signs, I'm not quite sure what's going on and I'm hoping you can figure this out for me i would greatly appreciate it.

Sorry it is quite long, but i am lost and i don't know what to do anymore, If I'm making her nervous because i asked her out, i don't regret it because i was serious, but what happened happened, all i want to do is make it so she's not nervous around me anymore please help me doc. Any advice or help would be much appreciated. Thanks.

ANSWER: Hello Zendo!

I don't think asking her out was stupid at all. I think accepting that "I'm seeing someone" line was. The response to that is always the same: "So, are you engaged to him? [her answer: no] Then you need to get to know me better. If he were absolutely everything to you then there wouldn't be that hesitation in your voice."

Be careful about trying to interpret nervousness. It doesn't mean that there's something in particular going on under the surface - or that there's not either! Nervousness by itself isn't a signal, you have to combine it with a number of other cues to have something to work from.

As to your question, I have no way of knowing. You're going to have to ask her. I suggest you do so over drinks.

Bottom line: don't worry about her nervousness. It's neither your fault nor your problem. She's an adult and needs to learn to deal with things as such.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Doc there were some details i left out, that i think might have been a little important,but i was tired when i was typing because it was late,

First of all i did ask her out to the movies, but i didn't ask her face to face, i did it through email at my work because there was other people around at that time.
Her response when i asked her out was thanks, but i've just started seeing someone.

Another thing, before i asked her out, she was telling me and our co worker about this movie she saw that had to do with our job, (office job) the other co worker said she never saw it before then she looked at me and asked me and i said no so she was looking at me and telling me about it, as it was interesting, so i decided i go and see that movie, which i did, and the next day i decided i'd tell her i saw the movie, now from most normal responses a person would ask you what did you like about it, as least that's the response i usually get after seeing it, but her on the other hand, she looked at me and laughed a little, i've never ever had this type of response so naturally i didn't know what to say after and it went silent for a min, then i asked her about something else and she responded but it was like she just killed it pretty much instantly.

I did ask another female co worker about the girl laughing at me after i told her i saw the movie and she as well thought that was an odd response.

So besides asking you for more advice, i wanted to first know why did she laugh at me when i told her i watched the movie, I suppose i should of just asked her directly after she laughed but it was such a strange reaction i didn't know what to do.

I'm hoping you can answer this or even just give me an idea because that always made me wonder about it for some reason.

And once again Thanks doc for being quick and responsive i really appreciate it!

If there's any advice, you could give me, anything that would help me or maybe in the future, i just need to know what i'm doing wrong, and if i'd ever have a chance with her at some point or should i just completely give up, and move on. Thanks Doc. Sorry if i'm asking for alot, i really need help.

By the way the movie was called Office Space, it was indeed entertaining to me.

ANSWER: Hello again Zendo!

Email? Weak, weak, weak! NEVER ask someone out on a first (or second or third) date via email! It makes you look like you're too cowardly to approach her face-to-face.

I think you're putting way too much weight on all these little signals. You're searching for some deep-seated meaning in everything. Sometimes, there just isn't that sort of meaning.

I don't know why she laughed. If you really want to know, you're going to have to ask her as I simply don't read minds. Even better, I think you should just brush it off.

My recommendation is to start dating 2 or 3 other girls right away. If you have "social proof" (that is, "proof" from other women that find you fascinating) it's a very solid signal to your primary, target woman.

Now, where's my stapler?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Well doc, I appreciate all the advice you've given me, and it has rather helped me alot. On the other hand I suppose rather try to be her friend then trying to date her it seems like she's already opening up to me, doesn't seem too too shy anymore, She even teased me about some dumb thing about work, sounds like she doesn't hate me which i guess is good. So my last and probably final question is,

Do you think it's worth it to try to become her friend? And would it be odd if i asked her to hang out with me at the mall, i personally don't see how it'd be odd, but i've never delt with shy girls before, so it might sound odd. Should i wait a little longer then lets say 3 months before asking such a thing? Your advice would be much appreciated on that.

She is shy but i'm just talking to her a little a day, She says Hi to me sometimes, where as the other females at work don't seem to say hi to me at all, odd but what ever, over all it seems like it's working.

I guess i can try to start a new friendship between me and her, it'd be really cool. On the other hand i'm working on that "Social Proof" You told me about. Thanks Alot Doc, oh and your stapler's probably on your desk :P

Answer
Hey Zendo!

It's only worth trying to become her friend if that's all you ever want - or think you're worth. If you become her friend, that's all you'll ever have with this woman ever again. If you ask her to hang out, you're setting yourself up to be only the friend.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"