Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/21/2009

Question
QUESTION: ok so this girl really is that girl of my dreams. My work takes me to different car dealerships all the time (4 or 5 a day) and this girl is one of the receptionists. we have been talking a bit for the last month or so. i am freshly out of a 2 year relationship, and she was seeing a guy for a month, but has not been talking to him for the last couple weeks. we have both made peashooter aware of these facts, just from general discussion. but anyway, we don't really do a whole lot of flirting, but it seems like it is really easy to talk to her and she is more than accepting to have a conversation with. we are both 21. so anyway. right before the weekend (Friday) i saw her because i went to her place of work to do my work for a bit. we talked and all and through general discussion, i came back after i finished up work to show her my new motorcycle i recently bought. She was going to go away for the long weekend camping with friends, but the guy that she was seeing was going to be at the same place so she decided it would be best not to go. when i went to show her my bike i asked what she was up to on the weekend and she said she might still go camping, but hadn't decided. so i asked that if she didn't go, would she like to do something the next night with me. that's pretty much what i said. just "if you don't end up going would you like to do something tomorrow?". she said "sure" and we went inside and she got my number and so on. I never got hers, i didn't ask and she didn't offer, but she did ask for mine after saying "sure" for doing something the next day. so the weekend passes and i don't hear anything from her. i assume she went camping. i saw her the next day at work, Tuesday (yesterday) and she said she spent most of the weekend in bed, because she got sick. now, she said she spent it in bed, not that she went out with friends or anything like that. so i did my work that i am supposed to do and came back to talk to her on my way out. i asked her if she wanted to hang out again that night (last night). she said maybe and that she would call me when she got off work, 3pm. so i didn't get a call, but i got a text at 6pm saying "hey it's so and so, didn't want you to think i forgot about you! lol well now you have my number too :)". i just texted her back small chat and what she was up to and said she was doing some errands and staying in tonight. i told her that's cool and everything and i would love to hang out sometime soon, and to let me know if she wants to do something sometime soon. and that was that for chat. so at this point i now have her number. i texted her early this afternoon (she told me previously she is not doing a lot this week) just asking how her day was going and all. she said she has the sniffles and wants to be in bed, how is my day going. so again i say "aw too bad i was going to ask if i could pick you up tonight and take you out". and sent another one soon after because she didn't reply right away, saying "but if you want to stay in tonight i would understand that". so she replied saying "awe! ya i think I'm just going to stay in but thanks for asking and understanding :)" and just carried on with small talk. so this was just not long ago. Now, this girl, not going to lie, TOTALLY out of my league, but there is something about her that makes me not want to give up. its times like these where, in the past, i have become a nuisance, but have now grown up and don't want to do anything to ruin the chance i have now. so now i don't know what to do. is she even interested in me? should i stop talking to her for a few days? do i not stop talking to her while she is not feeling good? if you have any suggestions on what to do that would be great. feel free to ask questions to understand things more, thanks!

ANSWER: Hello Mark!

...and you don't think you're becoming a nuisance to her now???

Mark! Man! Really??? You're trying to convince this poor girl that she should do all your work for you so that you don't have to take any risks. There are tons of examples in your message - and probably tons more you didn't tell me.

I'm not going to give you a laundry list of all these mistake, but damn dude! You've got to wake the hell up here and either go get some education about women or just decide you're going to be single the rest of your life.

Frankly, I feel sorry for this poor girl!

You're all about being the "nice, considerate guy". How sweet. The problem is that this girl doesn't want that. Apparently YOU want that! Maybe you should be dating other, nice, considerate, sweet guys instead!

To wit:

1) You should have told her (not asked her) to give you her number. She got so frustrated that she finally had to text you to give it to you! What a pussy you must look like in her eyes! This is the female equivalent of screaming at you!

2) You should have told her (not asked her) to clear up the weekend. Instead, you told her to call you if she was available. She WAS available, but it's YOUR JOB to set something up! Instead, she had to make that excuse about being sick and staying (alone) at home!

3) You keep asking her to tell you when she wants to go out, but it's YOUR JOB to set this up - NOT HERS! She damn well KNOWS it's your job too!

4) This girl keeps opening the door for you to walk through and you keep telling her to open it further and refusing to enter. Frankly, I can't believe how hard this girl has worked so far! You're never going to see this much effort out of any girl again! I don't know why she's gone this far as it is!

5) You actually believe that this girl is "out of your league". How ridiculous! How weak! That's exactly why you keep demanding that she do all your work for you - because you think that you don't deserve her.

Mark, really - what the hell man?

The VERY NEXT TIME you see this girl, walk right up to her and say, "Ok, clear Friday night. We're going out. I'm going to pick you up at 8 pm [or whenever] and I'd love to see you in a nice dress and heels."

Then, plan a nice, but not over-the-top date. No movies or concerts - you need face time with this girl.

Further, expect that she's going to throw you some tests now. She's not going to believe that you instantly became a real man after all the little-boy shit you've been pulling on her, so she's going to have to prove it to herself. Don't get angry about this - you caused it! Just keep going for the close. Set the date, be clear on the time and that you're going to pick her up, etc. and then go charm the hell out of her.

STOP being such a pussy and expecting her to do your work for you! She's already done far more than her share!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hey i appreciate the upfront attitude and setting me in line. you really know how to set me straight. so i haven't seen her for 2 days, next time i see her is in 5 days, is it best not to text or call her, and do it then? and it's possible she might be working elsewhere in the dealership where i cant talk to her, what then? just want to make sure i do this right.

ANSWER: Hello again Mark!

At least you see this in the light in which it's intended. You'd be surprised at how many guys think that I need to be the warm, fluffy support figure that their fathers never were to them. I don't do warm and fluffy when it's not called for.

Absolutely DO NOT text her! This is just more weak behavior. However calling her would likely be a very good idea. Wait for another 2, 3 or 4 days however. It's always best to let the feminine mind do it's work for you. She can do far more to build you up in her own mind than you can do - even in person. The feminine mind is a very powerful thing!

You have her cell phone number now, so you shouldn't be calling her at work anyway. Call her when you know she's off work and has had some time to settle down. Then, don't apologize for calling her - assume that she'll be thrilled to hear from you after not seeing you for almost a week. She will be!

On the flip side - don't try to hold your date on the phone either! Make some small talk (no more than 5 minutes or so) and get to the point - setting the date. You can even tell her this. Simply say, "Ok, we need to get together now. Let's meet on Saturday night. I'll pick you up at 8 pm." [or whenever.]

Mark go for what you want. Don't expect her to do any more of your work for you. It's time to man up and move this along - you can do it! She's not out of your league at all unless you put her there.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: hey thanks again, i am going away in just over a week and i want to get together with her before this. i was thinking about calling her today when she gets off (at 3) and telling her that i already have made plans for us tomorrow and all i need is her address. how does that sound? maybe going for a ride on my motorcycle.

Answer
Hey Mark!

Sounds good. It's a little early and you have a long break (in "girl years") after it, but let's see how it works.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"