Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 5/28/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dr. Neder, there is the girl I'm really starting to like very much. I am 23 and she is 19. We have been hanging out with all of our friends (we both have the same group of friends) this past month or so. Mainly, I am just trying to figure out if she is interested or not, and if she is, how do I tell her I am too. I keep getting the vibe she is, but I want to have a better idea on whether or not to go for it. Here are some of the things she has done which makes me think she's into me:   

-She initiates almost all of our conversations, and we have talked for the past month pretty much every day. She asks me for advice, calls/texts me just to see how I'm doing. She recently went on a vacation and kept talking to me the whole time she was out of town    

-She is always coming close to me or touching me when we see each other, she always sits next to me, bumps into my arm, trys to tickle/hit me messing around, resting her legs in my lap when we sit next to each other, actually sitting in my lap, she crosses her legs towards me while bouncing her foot, come up to me and rest her arm on my shoulder while her hand rubs my chest, and so on

-she is supposed to be going to my formal (my frat's prom basically) with me. I asked her and she answered yes immediately with no hesitation. She keeps telling me about her dress and asks if there is a theme, etc.  She tried to get off work but it ends up she has to work.  She said she still wants to go but doesn't know for sure yet if she can

-she has taken an interest in the kind of music I listen to    

-she comes up with nicknames for me every now and then    

-when we are with all of our friends, she pretty much focuses on me, always watching what I do or where I go, following me and pretty much never leaving my side

-she will ask me to do her favors, such as bringing her something or just help her out   

-she asks me if I notice her new hair style and if I like it or not   

When we started hanging out with all of our friends about a month ago, she was getting over a recent relationship with a guy that treated her pretty bad. So the first week or so we were talking, she was asking for advice and basically just needed a shoulder to cry on. Since then though, she has not mentioned him at all, let alone any other guys.  I have paid for her dinner before and she has bought mine before too, but I took this more as an independent thing rather then making sure she didn't owe me anything. This past weekend, we were supposed to go get ice cream together before we went to hang out with all of our friends again for a little party. She said she wasn't feeling too hot so we nixed the ice cream and just met up at the party.   I'm just confused on what to do. Is she interested, and if so do I tell her how I feel? What/when should I tell her?  I want to tell her how I feel and ask her out.  How do I do this and not scare her off and make sure she comes out?  Any help would be appreciated.  Thank you very much.  I know it's a long letter, but I wanted you to get the back story so you know where I'm coming from.

ANSWER: Hello Ryan!

SOOO many mistakes, so little time. Tsk, tsk. Yes, she's interested - or at least, she WAS interested. I don't know where she is now.

Ryan, I don't really know where to start with you. If you actually make anything happen with this girl, it's going to be a miracle. Here are just a few of them:

1) Hanging out. Stupid, stupid, stupid! You don't "hang out" with a girl unless all you ever want is her friendship - and nothing more. I don't care if you have a circle of friends that all hang out together. That's the problem. She wants to see you as larger than life, and you're trying to insure that she only sees you as "one of the gang".

You hang out with friends. You DATE girls you're interested in. You DO NOT mix the two!

[buzzer-sound] Game over!

2) You want to "tell her how you feel". Do you really think she's so dumb as to not know or at least suspect? Of course she does!

You figure that if she's sure how you feel about her, then she'll do some of your work for you and you won't have to take any risks. Ryan, relationships are all about risk. You don't get special rules just for you - or to off-load your risk onto the girl you're interested in and hope she'll make it easy for you.

Girls have a special word for guys that try this dumb game: "loser".

It's YOUR job to make things happen here and she damn-well knows it. If you tell her how you feel about her, she's going to bolt and that'll be that. Further, you're going to create just as much discomfort within your group of friends as if you went for what you wanted and she turned you down - exactly what you're trying to avoid.

[buzzer-sound] Game over!

3) Not manning up and going for what you want.

I just said it - relationships are about risk - but unfortunately, this girl thinks they're about games too. That little ice cream incident? It was a game - pure and simple.

Let's see here - she wasn't feeling well enough to go have ice cream with you but she was feeling well enough to go to a party with a bunch of other people? Come on, you sure look dumb for falling for that one! Seriously Ryan!

The way to handle these ridiculous games is to not tolerate them and to recognize them when they come. Girls that are interested in you are pre-wired to throw these stupid games at you all the time - many simply can't help themselves!

You should have said, "Oh, sorry you're not feeling well - we'll miss you at the party." Then, if she showed up, you would have had a good reason to be pissed off! She would have shot herself in the foot by playing that game - and you wouldn't have lost any respect in her eyes for not seeing it.

[buzzer-sound] Game over!

4) Worrying about whether she's attracted to you or not.

Ryan, you can CREATE attraction in women simply by doing the right things. You LOSE attraction when you do the wrong things. It's pretty much that simple. You have to be bold and direct about what you want however - and go for it. If you hold back for weeks (let alone months) you lose all that power-advantage.

[buzzer-sound] Game over!

So, what do you do now? You have two choices:

1) Forget it out of fear of losing your circle of friends. Unfortunately, this is one of the reasons why you don't want to date within your circle, or,

2) You be a man and go for what you want.

This means calling her up and telling her to clear up Saturday night (or whenever) because you're taking her out. Find something fun to do (DO NOT ask her, "So what do you want to do?" [buzzer-sound]) and then you go do it and turn on the charm. You also kiss this girl already!

You've got to get her away from the group! If you don't you'll never have a chance to stand out from anyone else. You don't worry about what she wants - you focus on what you want. This is how the leader of any relationship acts and you've got to believe me on this one (because I hear it every single day): she WANTS you to be the leader here.

Stop trying to get her to do your job for you. If you can't do that, then go find some other girl and don't make these same mistakes with her either!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey Dr. Neder, I wanted to update you on my situation.  I took your advice.  I got her away from the group and things were going good.  I went to go in for a kiss and she pulled away rather quickly and said "I thought we were just friends".  I was kind of taken aback by it honestly.  I hate to say it but I'm lost.  Help please...

Answer
Hello again Ryan!

Didn't I tell you that this was quickly becoming a "friendship"?

Ryan, it's too late. Once this friendship thing starts, there's no going back. You've destroyed your chances here with this girl. What you need to do is to move on and find other girls to date.

Sorry brother, that's the cold, hard reality.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"