Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/22/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi,i met a girl about 3 months back at the university. I came from a breakup in a 5 year relationship and was long over it. She was in an relationship for 2 years with a 27 year old plumber... I'm 21 and she is 20. When we met (as she would later confess) she woke up in the mornings and only thaught of me. For about 3 weeks we where only on speaking terms,but then she confided in me how bad her bf was,and one day she kissed me out of her own will,and left the bf. So we took it slow, because of the rebound effect,i never kissed her,she always had to initiate,because i am a gentleman and dont want to force her. Now i have come to love her,and for a while she returned the love. But suddenly she is avoiding me and only visiting evry now and then. We had an amazing time,and she is the girl of my dreams. She is amazingly smart,and very beautifull. She told me that she loved me,and i just want that back. I know she has no interest with the ex,so its not that. She turned my life around,and i realy need her. I thank you in advance

ANSWER: Hello Laurenz!

Of course she's avoiding you now. What else can she do? She was hoping to find a man (where she could be the woman) and you flat-out refused. Now, she's done wasting her time and is looking for that man because you've proven you're not him.

"take it slow", "rebound", "gentleman"

I'm sure there are another 20 such mistaken beliefs. In fact, what you think are good ideas, are actually huge red warning flags! These just are the symptoms of deep-seated misunderstandings about women and what they want.

She was in a bad situation and was looking for some support and security. You think that means "sensitivity". No Laurenz, it doesn't. It means power, confidence and leadership - NONE of which you've shown here.

Now, you expect that somehow you can convince her that it's really there? I'm afraid I don't think so. She's not likely to believe it.

Laurenz, who in the hell told you these were "good ideas"? Actually who told you isn't important. The fact that you believe them is the biggest issue. I just hope it's not too late.

In fact, it's YOUR JOB to move any relationship with any woman forward. She did most of your work for you - and you took away her femininity in the process. If you want any chance with this girl, you've got to stop doing that - permanently! Especially now that you've shown her your feminine side, if you ever slip back into it even AFTER getting her back, she's going to dump you and go running for the hills!

You need to call this girl with some power behind you and say, "I want to see you on Friday night [or whenever] at 8 pm. Be ready, I'll pick you up." Get her confirmation and hang up the phone. No more pussy behavior! Don't agree to call to confirm and don't make excuses about what you want. Tell her absolutely and follow through.

When you see her, walk right up to her, take her in your arms firmly, but carefully, pull her slightly off balance and kiss her! Let it linger for a few moments and then set her upright again. Use that boldness to set the tone for the rest of the night. Don't ask her what she wants to do on the date or where she wants to go - YOU decide and you pull it all together.

During the date, explain to her that you're going to start seeing her (again, don't ask) and set up the next date before the first one ends.

Just be aware that she's going to start challenging you at every turn. She isn't going to believe in this new Laurenz since you've only shown her the old one. You're just going to have to deal with all those challenges now, since you didn't do it in the beginning.

Remember: this is even if she'll GIVE you another chance. That's not an absolute by any means!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi,thank you for the honest answer! It gave me new perspective. My approach of being a 'pussy' was that her previous bf controlled EVERY SINGLE aspect of her life,and i didnt want to be the same guy,infact i am not. But i uderstand the point of view...let me assure you, i did allot for her,and initiated allot in the bedroom, and established my place as a man and a lover. My point was that when we had a wonderfull night,and she loved it,then the next morning when i see her,i'll let her kiss me first,just to be sure the feeling is mutual,and sometimes she did,and sometimes not. Please! I ask for more honest feedback! Thank you.

Answer
Hello again Laurenz!

Who cares what her ex-boyfriend did or didn't do? More to the point, were you right there to see it? Just because she SAID that doesn't make it true or not true. More important, she WAS with him, right? That's a huge sign. In fact, she seems to crave that control. She knew he was like that well before she put things together with him.

Something else happened that caused her to leave him. That controlling thing is just the excuse. Don't read too much into it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"