Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/5/2009

Question
Hello Dr. Nedar,

I really appreciate your help and every time I asked you a question, I progress and improved my skills.  I have two questions that I would like your suggestions:

1.   My new girlfriend and I, we knew each other for about a month and have been dating for about 1 week now.  A few days ago, we were getting really close; we kiss and touch each others.  I know she wants to go further and have sex with me.  However, I tried to play games and stop her for going further.  I told her I am really like her, I am looking for a serious relationship and I want to take it slow, I don’t want us to focus on sex at this point.  I would rather try to built a solid foundation, etc…..I kissed her, tell her to go to sleep and that’s it.  

What is your opinion about the way I did that? What you think I can do to make her wants me more as well as building a solid foundation? If I did that right, how long should I wait to have sex with her? Is there any better way to handle this kind of situation?

2.   A few months ago, I was dating a girl.  In the meantime, I met the other girl and I start liking her.  This made me having two girlfriends at the same time at one point.  Then, I realized that it was really time consuming and risky.  I broke up with the first girlfriend.  

Do you think I can handle this situation better? What’s your suggestion of having two girlfriends at the same time? Could I make both girls jealous about each others and WANT me more??

3.  If I want to have sex with some of my ex-girlfriend, what is the best way to do that? What kind of questions could I ask them and test them? How can I know?

Hope you can help me with this Doctor!! Thanks.


Answer
Hello Ken!

1. So, let me get this straight - you want to artificially manipulate the speed of things in this new relationship by "taking it slow" and you think that's a way to building a better relationship? You think that's a way to build a "solid foundation"?

If that were the case, then NEVER having sex with someone would always insure that they'd never leave you! I don't know whether you know this or not, but that never works.

2. Handle it better? I don't see the problem. So what? You met more than one girl at a time that you liked. That happens all the time.

As far as playing the girls off each other, yes it can work - IF (and that's a very big "if"!) you know what you're doing. If you don't, (and trust me, this is a VERY complicated, dangerous game!) you're simply going to make enemies of them both. Do you really want to risk that?

3. You start dating them again - just like you'd do with a new girl. Nothing changes simply because you've dated them before other than the fact that you have history together.

However, you FIRST have to fix whatever it was that broke you up. That can be a lot of work too. Do you really want to spend all this time and effort fixing things (and likely taking a verbal beating in the process) just to have sex with these girls, when it's far easier to meet new girls instead?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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