Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/2/2009

Question
hi,
I've worked at a great company for 7 years, and for the last year, i've become friends with a co-worker in another department.  i see myself as a bit of a loner, but very successful in my work; pretty high in position.  she's a very outgoing, extremely friendly to everyone, beautiful, everyone loves her.  extremely popular.  she's in HR.
 it started with a few conversations which we'd lock eyes for what seems like forever, she'd have huge eyes wide open and dilated, she'd call my name a lot loudly across the hall a lot where her eyes were huge and trying to catch my attention when i'd be trying to ignore her.   so, i'd finally talk to her, because she's persistent, and, oh yeah, the prettiest girl in the company.  we had a late night where she'd sit on the floor of my cubicle and demonstrate yoga.  then a few things she'd write in emails, such as "we balance each other out" -- me being pessimistic and her optimistic.  i've asked her out on one lunch, to which she'd add a coffee trip, to which she says things like oh, we'll definitely have lunch and coffee like every week.  so, we've have about 3 lunches which we're completely awesome.  a great pleasant time of talking nonstop and asking everything about each other's families and interests.  we've eaten off each other's plates.  i had chicken that was a little undercooked, and she grabbed a piece and ate it and said we'll just get sick together. we'd talk about certain events, and disneyland on our birthdays, and she wouldn't hestitate suggesting we go together.  and we plan seeing movies.
 I recently got a huge promotion and her being in HR, she knows how much i make.  she had always lavished her praise and adoration.  
 when i talk about doing fixer-upper things on my condo, her ears always perks up, and says maybe i could fix her problems.  
she loves her dogs immensely and asks if i'm a dog person, and always says i'll definitely meet them someday.  
 basically, it just seems that a lot of the things she says makes me believe she likes me for various boyfriend things.  
  i think i love her.  i love how she makes me feel.  
  all around her office are pics of her dogs and many friends.  i don't see a boyfriend pic or wedding ring.
 have always wondered when would be a good time to ask her on a real date.
  so, i find out today she has a boyfriend.  the shock hasn't fully set in, but usually when this sort of thing happens, i feel close to commiting suicide.  and i'm fairly serious, being a loner most of my life, listening to metal, with the majority of my wardrobe consisting of black clothes.  i'm not at an extreme low quite yet, as it hasn't sunk in yet, but my questions are:
- why was she playing around with me?
-  why do i constantly misinterpret overfriendly girls for being interested romanticly with me?  i know i'm an unusual case, in that i've never had a girlfriend, but i've been on a few dates.  i've only been interested in co-workers, got to several lunches with them, fallen for them, only to find they have boyfriends or are unavailable for other reasons.  and i give up and don't talk to them anymore.  why does this always happen to me?
- i want to tell her off, but she really has no idea i'm hurt or how i feel/felt about her? plus, we are sort of co-workers.  what should i tell her if i run into her and she wants to lunch?


Answer
Hello!

What a minute. How could you have spent all this time with her talking about personal things and not even know if she had a boyfriend or not? Just what in the hell are you talking about - yourself? I surely hope that's not the case! You're never going to "impress her" enough to make her do all your work for you!

Much more important is this: ALL girls have boyfriends. All of them - even if they don't! They never want you to think that they're not worthy of being a girlfriend so they ALWAYS claim to have them. Even worse (and frankly, dumber) is that they actually believe that this will make you work harder to win her! Seriously!

Now, here's the kicker: if you DO try to work this hard, she quickly begins to wonder why you have to. Then, she'll lose interest in you simply because nobody worth THEIR salt would have to work this hard to win a girl!

See? I told you it was dumb!

To your questions:

- I don't know why. It might be that she was genuinely interested or it might be that she sees having a "friend" at work might be a way of advancing her own career or it might be that she's an Attention Whore. The real problem is that YOU don't know. Why don't you know? Because you haven't asked any of the right questions or done just the right things to know. You've pretty much let her run things for you and are sitting there hoping she'll pull all the triggers for you. That too is "dumb"!

- Who says you've misinterpreted things here? Oh, that's right YOU don't know what her interests are because YOU aren't stepping up to the plate to find out! You're waiting for HER to do all your work for you!

If this were me and I found out about a "boyfriend", my response would be "So what? I'm so far better a man than he is that she'd be an idiot not to dump him and be with me!" Then, I'd go about proving that fact to her!

What you're doing is hoping that she'll give you all the signs and clues and will just fall in love with you so that you won't have to take any risks. Sorry, that's how losers work. You don't seem like a loser to me, but your actions are beginning to say otherwise!

You're doing all the things that friends do - not lovers. Yes, I understand that you don't know what to do. That's also because you've spent your life making ridiculous excuses like "I'm a loner". No, you're not a loner. A loner is a guy that lives in a heatless cabin in the hills, grows his own food and shuns humanity in every possible form. You are a coward - that's very different. You actually work in amongst all sorts of people and barely interact with them.

Because of this you've totally neglected your education about women! You've made excuse after excuse so that you never had to learn any of these skills and thus, now that you need them you don't have them. That's pretty pathetic, don't you agree?

- You want to tell HER off??? Frankly, she should be telling YOU off for being such a pussy! Here she is throwing all these incredible signals at you and since you've built your life around being a "loner" you can't even give this poor girl what she really wants or needs. How much longer are you going to live like this? The rest of your life?

If you seriously think you can, just consider this: I get letters every week from guys like you that are in their 20's or 30's or 40's or 50's or even 60's that have spent all that time working hard to avoid learning the skills they need. When they finally get so fed up with being like this, they finally come ask for some help - and they get it - only to become really depressed when they realize how easy it all really was and that they never had to suffer like you're suffering right now.

So, what's it going to be? Are you going to go off and lick your wounds, waiting for that day in the future when you've finally had enough and have lost so many beautiful, incredible girls that you now have to settle for only what you can get or are you going to fight this natural tendency of yours to be a "loner" and go get some skills to be able to work with this girl?

Obviously, the choice is yours. If you've decided that you've had enough and you're ready to learn these things, go check out my website (http://BeingAMan.com) and pay particular attention to my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II". These books are specifically about these skills and knowledge you've been so successful at avoiding so far.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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Remington Publications
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