Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/19/2009

Question
Is it ok to leave a message on a voicemail about setting a date? I get this from time to time... it's hard to establish a schedule with some girls enough that you know when they're likely to be home, especially in the beginning.

I hate leaving messages though. I think they're so easy to ignore or delete - no pressure, no human on the line to shake things up. And then there is the waiting part, just like the Tom Petty song. I have a few other women to have dates with ... and if they don't call back after a 2nd date request, even after establishing good rapport on the first date, well they aren't willing to give it a chance then, so "next!" right? But still, back to my question, should one forget the whole leaving messages thing in the beginning of the dating relationship? Or is there a tactful way to leave a message? I wait about a week after a first date and if I get v/m then I just say "hello ___. It's Paul, I had fun last time we were out and would like to do it again soon. Call me back so we can talk about a good time(yeah the ol women and returning messages conundrum)The alternative is to try alternate times to call to try to catch up to a time they are home, but then at risk of looking like a freak if they have call display...and most people do these days.

Tell me what you think.

Cheers, Paul

PS: I read both your books but there is so much info in there I have to allow enough time to put it all into practice. But already it has helped. Dude, I'm dating about 5 girls right now, simultaneously! Some of them vanish for a while or for good but new ones always show up to take their places. Actually I'm feeling "dating fatigue". I want to narrow down a select few to the next stage. But I'm fussy as jade. I throw most back into the pond after 1-3 dates.

Answer
Hello Paul!

First of all, congratulations on reading my books. Most guys come here and expect "progressives". In other words, they ask about specific situations without having the foundation to know why the answers are important or even what they mean. You've got the source; the foundation of them and that gives you incredible power to implement these tools. Without that, you're only going to go from one mistake to another.

Congratulations also on your success. This is such an important key in finding the woman or women you deserve. Far too many guys get "one-itis"; that condition where they focus all their energies on one woman thinking that if they just work - and want - hard enough, they'll have her. In fact, this just adds an air of desperation to them and women pick this right up.

With messages, you need to understand that most women won't return them; or worse, they return them with a text rather than calling. Yes, it's incredibly rude, and frankly, my recommendation is to next these idiot girls. They don't deserve someone of quality in their lives if they play these rude games. However, you are always best to not set yourself up like this in the first place.

This is something I talk about both in BAM1 and BAM2. You should review those sections, but here's a summary of the process:

1) After you get a girls number and you're ready to call her, wait the appropriate amount of time (check the books) and make sure your caller ID isn't blocked (or unblock it for this call) and ring her up when you think she'll be available to talk. That means she's not at work or sleeping in. You usually can get this information when you first approach the girl. In fact, you should.

2) Realize that she probably won't answer. This is ONLY a girl-game and nothing more. She wants you to think she's busy. She's not, trust me - it's only part of her game. If she's playing this game in the first place, very few guys are going to go this far to track her down and if they do, she believes they aren't worth her time! After all, why would they tolerate such rude behavior? If this were her girlfriend, she'd pick it right up even if she was busy only to tell the girl that she couldn't talk!

3) DO NOT leave a message.

4) Wait about a week. This is a very long time to women and it makes them wonder if you'll call back again! In effect, this is a little punishment for being so rude in the first place.

5) When you call, there's now about 60-70% chance that she'll pick up the phone and you can just proceed with setting the date.

6) If she doesn't answer this time, DO NOT leave a message yet either!

7) Wait about 1 1/2 - 2 weeks before you call again. This becomes an agonizingly long time for this girl! After this time, there's now about a 70-85% chance she'll answer this time. If she does, just proceed with setting the date. By the way, be sure to review the section on setting dates! You want to make sure that you're doing this step correctly.

8) If she doesn't answer leave this short message:

"Hello, this is Paul. I've tried to get hold of you now a number of times and you apparently don't answer this phone. Here's my number: [leave number] and you can call if you want, but I won't be calling you any more."

9) Next her right then and there.

*IF* you hear from her at this point, you're going to get the excuse, "Oh, I've been busy..." wherein you respond: "That's too bad. You sound too busy to date. Am I wasting my time with you?"

In about 80% of the cases, you'll get her claiming up and down it was just a "mistake" or weird situation or that she had some "emergency" (which she didn't - she's making it up), etc. The good news is that you won't have to play this game again with her.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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Remington Publications
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Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
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