Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/23/2009

Question
Hello Doctor,
I have read some of your responses to some of the questions asked here, and
I think that you will be able to help me out. I am currently 16, going on 17
within a few months. When I first moved to my current residence, back in 5th
grade, I  began to have a crush on a girl that I had known of, but was not in
contact with her. The crush lasted on and off in middle school, and I never
really cared to approach her because I think that middle school relationships
are pointless and bullshit. Unless you can drive, and actually provide
transportation to a "date", you are not really "dating" and I was always taught
that you should never tell anyone you love them unless you really mean it.
That is the basis on middle school relationships...

Anyways, she had a "boyfriend" in middle school, and I just didn't really care.
We didn't really have anything to talk about to become friends and I did not
really care for that anyways. We did have a class together in 7th grade, and I
began to flirt with her but she had a "boyfriend" so I was careful not to get
too close.

Well after that year, I never saw her that summer, and then had a class in
eighth grade with her, but I was to concentrated on the class (grades first) to
be tangled up with flirting when I wasn't even going to get into a relationship
anyways.

Now I am in high school, I have a car, and I have the time for a girlfriend. I
was not obsessed with her, even though this letter sounds like I was. I really
just had her mixed in with multiple other crushes. But now that I am ready to
get serious I have seen her around, and have become rather attracted, and
find myself thinking of her a lot. I will be a junior next year, meaning that I
have only 2 more years left before college. Enough for a relationship, but not
too much to leave awkward time around each other.

My problem lies within me and the situation. She is a popular girl, but is one
of the pretty girls that never gets approached by guys. Since her first
"boyfriend" in middle school she really has only had 1 serious relationship
that I am aware of, and it lasted about a month or two so...(BTW Im not a
stalker, she was in one of my classes, and met with her boyfriend outside of
the class everyday.) I am an average kid...Not a nerd, and not a quite kid, but
just a average smart kid with middle class friends. (Not partying every
weekend, but when we do, they aren't pokeman parties or what not.)

Basically I have allowed enough time to build up without really even saying hi
that it would be awkward if I did. I am afraid that I have blown my chances,
but waiting to be able to drive to really date her. Also, she is into the whole
scene where the guy "asks the girl out" and if she says yes, they are boyfriend
and girlfriend and kiss and hug in public thing. Basically the whole middle
school relationship thing with touching involved. There isn't really any dating
involved so my idea of dating would probably clash with hers.

OK! So FINALLY the question. How, if even possible, can I take a jackhammer
to this ice that has built up, and hopefully start a real relationship with her?

Thanks for any help, and I am sorry for any unnecessary background.

Thanks Again,
Ryan

Answer
Hello Ryan!

Simple: boldness.

Stop using all your own pre-conceived ideas about who she is and what she believes and how long things have been not happening and driving, etc., etc., etc. - all the excuses you've used as to why you can't get to know her and throw them in the trash where they belong. If all you're going to do is focus on the negatives, there's nothing I can do to help you.

Now, that those cobwebs are cleaned in your head (they ARE cleared, right? If not don't read any further until they are) let's talk possibilities.

You have limited all your possibilities with "stinkin' thinkin'". You haven't even considered any of the benefits you have here. What about the fact that you already know this girl? What about the fact that you see her regularly? What about the fact that you're a great guy that she'd be lucky to get to know?

Think context here Ryan. What is your "context" to approach her? You have a ton of it! In fact, you have far more context than most of the guys that write to me with this exact same question. You simply don't choose to see it.

You can walk right up to her and say "Hey [name], how's it going?" Then, before she says even a word, just say, "You know we haven't talked in a long time - we need to get together and catch up. Here, write down your number and I'll call you sometime."

How freakin' easy was that??? It took nothing, and comes with a very high likelihood of success.

Come on here Ryan - start thinking possibilities and NOT limitations.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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