Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/21/2009

Question
Hi my name is Martin i am in year 11,i feel a little strange doing this but i really need help.I have known this girl for about 5 years but i only noticed her about 2 years ago because we were put into the same class together,before we were put into the same class i had never spoken to her before and even now i speak to her very little (by that i mean saying hi)but i think she is the most beautiful girl in the world and i think i love her.

Because our year is ending very soon and me and her are going to different collages i thought i should tell her but i couldn't so i got a friend of mine to tell her for me,she didn't say she likes me but she didn't say she dosent like me,when i asked her later if she knew she said yes and called me sweet.

When we had our prom i was dancing with my friend and i thought she would just ignore me but when she saw me she gave me a hug and started talking to me a little bit,this made me very happy but also confused.

I dont know if she likes me or not and i dont know what else to do to show her that i love her.Please help me.

Thank you.  

Answer
Hello Martin!

Ok, let's get this fixed first: you don't love her. You don't even know her. What you're in love with is your image of her - one that you've formed in your own head and without any reality whatsoever. Saying "hi" a few times doesn't tell you shit about another person.

You've got to open your eyes and see this reality if you really want a chance with this girl. The reason why this is important is that by claiming to "love her" you're also giving away the exact things you need to actually have her - your own power.

By saying these things, you're also programming your mind with all sorts of anxieties to include "what if I don't get her?" and "I have to express my love" and all other sorts of things that will make you do exactly the opposite of what you have to. Martin, open your eyes and get over this ridiculous notion. It's simply not true.

You didn't mention how far away these colleges you're going to are. If they're in the same area (within less than an hour) you have a chance here. If not, I'm afraid you're going to need to forget this. You're just setting yourself up for huge hurts because the odds of this working are all but nothing.

Think about this: if she goes away to another college, she's going to be around all sorts of other people. She's going to meet an entirely new batch of friends and so will you. You're going to be constantly worrying about who she's meeting, what she's doing, etc. and trust me, it's not going to end well. Even worse, you're going to turn yourself off to all sorts of REAL possibilities at your own college! You're going to deny them for something you can't even have. That would be tragic.

Right now, you're worrying about whether she likes you or not, and that is your question to me. My answer his this: I don't know. To which I'll add: you're a fool if you even worry about this for one minute! Martin, you can CREATE attraction in anyone, so it doesn't matter if she likes you or not. What I CAN tell you is that she opened that door for you - and you closed it on her.

By spending time getting to know you, she's trying to find out if you're someone she COULD like or if you're just going to be a "friend". You told her that right now, you're just the friend. That's pretty dumb, don't you think? On the other hand, if she's going to be far away, it's your only choice - so that you can get healed and be ready when you go to the new college.

So, if (and ONLY if) you're going to be close enough to actually build something, then do this: the very next time you see this girl, walk right up to her confidently and say, "You know, we should get to know each other better. Let's get together on Friday (or whenever) and spend the evening over coffee (or whatever.) Set this date clearly and absolutely. Don't go to the movies or a concert and don't throw everything you have at it. Keep it simple. This is where you build that attraction I was talking about.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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