Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 6/8/2009

Question
Hi Dr. Neder,
I'm in serious trouble, because I have acted like a total idiot with my women.
I have actually rejected her multiple times (4-5) times, saying that we are not
working out. I have also let my insecurities have had the best of me....
Now, after the last break up, she's kept her distance and says she doesn't
believe me or doesn't feel safe with me anymore, thinking that I'm just gonna
walk out on her again. We have been dating for about 5 months.Truth is, ever
since she totally cut me off, I miss her..I realized how much I love her, and
even more so, can see myself with her for the rest of my life...!!!
How can I show her that, after not being with her for a horrible 16 days
already, that I want this more than anything without begging, )'cause that's
never attractiv)...I love her soo much, but How can I get her back....?

Thank you very much in advance

Very Hopeful Regards

Till

Answer
Hello Till!

You have a number of huge problems going on here.

The first problem (and frankly, the biggest) is her telling you that she no longer feels "safe" with you. To guys, this isn't that big a deal because those feelings come and go. When a woman tells you this, it's cataclysmic! In other words: "game over".

What you need to understand is this: relationships are fragile things. If you start playing games with them, you risk destroying them entirely. That's what happened here. You didn't take proper care of it and now it's gone. Frankly, knowing women like I do, I sense that it's gone permanently and you're going to have to come to grips with this and move on. I also hope that means you're going to grow up too.

Let's talk a big about your feelings of loss. What I'm getting here is that you are now feeling like you love her when in fact, you're simple feeling the sting of ego instead. When you were rejecting her it was ego-based (and frankly, selfish, but that's another story for another time.) Now that she's rejecting YOU, your ego can't handle it. Thus, that sting and pain and hurt you're feeling is your own ego being bruised. You equate this to "love", when in fact, none of your previous actions were based on love, so I can't possibly believe it's here now.

Till, it's time to go off and lick your wounds, get healed and straighten out this ego problem you have. Please don't try to get this girl back in your life. You've already done enough harm to her. If you really loved her, you'd see that and would want her to be able to get healed too.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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