Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/12/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hey there. I met a girl a week ago and she is really amazing. I'm a friendly guy, I get along with both genders but I'm so shy to talk to this girl. I met her in college cause we were working on a project with some other people. I told my mates once and they went and told them and that was so embarrassing. She however waved at me and smiled at me every so often. There were rumors out that she had a boyfriend already and I was annoyed since I really liked her with all my heart. I didn't like her cause of her body or face, her personality. She laughs, communicates well, hey eyes, her hair, her face. She has everything. In total I'm crazy about her. I never felt this way. I've seen totally hot women but never felt attracted to them but this girl makes me feel insane. I love her and later a rumor went out that she didn't have a boyfriend. I was pleased but couldn't confirm but anyway went to tell her I liked her but I overheard a conversation and found out she was older than me by ONE year. This put me off. I felt like a jerk but the time I saw her, I decided she was the girl. I really just wish she wasn't older and was single. I need to know this:

1) How can I tell her how I feel about her without messing up?
2) How do I know she likes me?
3) Why do I keep thinking about her, I can't stop for god's sake. It's annoying. I really like her but try to forget her due to the problems but I keep seeing her face in my dreams.
4) I'm not looking for sex or kisses. She might not be single. I just want a picture of her face cause it will keep me going on. Why? I just feel really weak when I don't see her.

5) How can I get a picture of her angel like face on my mobile without making it too obvious? She might think I'm a pervert although I just like her.

This girl will be leaving the college after the project is over and she'll be gone soon. I researched on her by getting my mates to talk up to her, and get her number. I prank called her a few times to dig more information about her. I really like her, I just wanna be accepted as a friend, but I don't have the guts to ask her out. She smiles at me and always responds to me during the project and also has smiled at me loads of times. I really like this feeling. I dunno what's wrong with me but I like her. This picture of her face will be enough to look at and comfort me for centuries.


Thanks,
David

ANSWER: Hello David!

Wow! You sure have a lot of mistakes going on here. Where do I start with you???

First of all, these "mates" of yours are anything but. They are self-absorbed, disrespectful idiots that aren't worthy of your time. If this is really the sort of person you hang out with (someone that goes to anyone else and "outs you") that makes YOU look like a loser. Is that really the image you want others to have of you? Do you really think that tolerating this sort of behavior out of so-called "friends" is really the sort of life you want to lead?

David, real friends have your back. They think about you and your situation and try to find ways to help you reach your goals. They don't stab you in the back and try to sabotage your chances with any girl or in any situation. As I've already said, this makes YOU look bad - not just them. Kick these idiots to the curb and go find some real friends worthy of your friendship back - and then give it to them.

The next mistake is worrying about a boyfriend. Frankly, this is systemic since you also think there's some "perfect time" or "perfect situation" in which you can approach some woman. If you wait for these to happen, you're going to be alone for a very long time. Women ALWAYS have "boyfriends". What you don't know however is that women are also willing to "trade up" when they find a guy that is a much better choice for them. Who are you to decide that you aren't that better choice? That's HER decision, not yours! NEVER worry about any boyfriend - real or not!

The next problem you have is thinking that you need to let her know "...how you feel about her...". Why? So that she'll just swoon all over you and say, "Oh David! I feel the same way!"??? Trust me, that will NEVER happen. It's not the way women think, work or act. It's YOUR job to move things forward - not hers - and she damn-well knows it. If you go to her and tell her how you feel (unfortunately, your friends have already done this - not real friends as I've already told you), all she's going to do is to think you're too much of a coward to move things like you should and she'll lose interest - if she hasn't already.

You're also worried about whether she likes you or not! Who the hell cares???? It doesn't matter if a girl likes you. You can create attraction in any woman if you simply know the skills (which you obviously don't - you're asking all the wrong questions here!)

You think that everything is a big hurdle for you to jump; and frankly, it's true but only because you're making them for yourself. You're not looking for "sex or kisses"??? Why not? Are you a eunuch? DO you think that she doesn't want passion in her relationships? If you do, you're wrong. Do you really think all she wants are friends? Wrong again.

That picture thing? Dude, that's just creepy and very, very unhealthy.

David, do you see the problem you've left me with here? It's not that you don't have skills, it's that you have totally unfounded, incorrect beliefs about EVERYTHING with this girl! How do I give you any tools to work with when you have all of this misinformation to fix first? You've given up all your power (the very thing that women are attracted to in us guys) and are coming at this from a complete point of weakness. You don't want to do what you have to do, you want everything to be the way you want it to be without any effort or correction on your part.

Seriously dude, what do you want from me? I can't fix all of this for you to even get you to where you need to be to date this girl! This is no longer an attraction at all - it's an unhealthy obsession. I think you might be at the point of needing counseling.

I don't know what else I can do for you at this point.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: You kinda got it wrong there Dennis.
When I mean mates, a handful of guys I know. I feel glad they told her even though I was preparing to do some myself cause it just felt like a giant weight had been destroyed off my back. The girl tends to like me I guess. I spoke to her and got her a drink, she didn't mind at all and kept that friendly "tone". My mates also (real proper friends) joined me and then they started to discuss about my obsession. Dennis, I'm not sure if this is really a helpful reply or not but I just told her everything. She listened to everything and she didn't mind. She did say that she had a boyfriend and although I didn't win her in the end, she still said we could be friends. This was weird, if I needed a friend, I don't have to do all this crazy crap. I'm good at speaking, I coulda just gone up to her and had a friendly conversation but it feels better. I text her, mail her, and she always replies. When I mean sex and kisses, it's cause I'm trying to justify that I'm not trying to get this girl to score with. Most guys do it for the stuff but I just simply like her personality and attitude. If I wanted sex, I might as well watch some porn or hire a hooker. Do you see what I mean?

You did help Dennis, I understand your point but those "worthless" mates made it easier. They pulled me up to her and started me off, I felt more comfortable and hey, we're mates with this girl I fancied.

I'm still confused though. I feel pretty weird now. It's like okay, my job is done. What the heck do I do now? Is this what I had been dieing for for the last week or so?

I could've followed the other numerous responses from experts on this site from those public questions if my mates didn't mess it up by embarrassing me. I guess that's what made me feel uncomfortable with proceeding. But she likes me and that's what matters. I know what to do next.

Thanks anyway though.
One final thing is as a friend, how can I slowly take it a step further? Remember she's older than me by 6 months, she might find it pretty disturbing, well I would, if a younger person came up and tried doing crap I'd expect from an older guy.

Answer
Hello again David!

Hmmm....and you think *I* got it wrong?

Look David, if you know better what you're doing than me then what in the hell are you doing asking me anything? You obviously already have all the answers and I obviously don't know a thing about any of this.

David, let's not waste each other's time here. You're obviously far, far more the expert in all of this than I am. Go do it your way. Then you can write 14 books, answer over 30,000 questions just like this and have your own show - and I'll be in awe.

Good luck man - you're going to need it!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"