Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/20/2009

Question
Hi Doctor,

This is my first time writing an email to you, so please excuse me for lack of formality. I have got a big big crush on a woman that plays mixed futsal with me. She is turning 30, I'm turning 27. I will tell you a brief story with some details of our interactions, please let me know of your opinion.

We play futsal together once a week on a monday night, she knows already that I like her, she is very friendly and approachable, a very nice person, i guess that's one of the reason that I liked her so much. In the recent weeks, I'm in the exact state as the lyrics of that backstreet boy's song "i can't get you out of my mind, everything you've said and done are deep within me"... I 'm analysing everything.... am going nuts; one important thing to note is in my past 26 years, I have been with different girls, have quiet a few female friends, however she's one of a kind, I think she could be it for me.

I mean business, sincerely and ready, I guess from her point of view, maybe the fact I'm younger is holding her back a little bit, my question is how do I really really touch her and convince her I'm not just playing around, she already knows I'm a nice decent guy, but how do I proceed next? Even if she doesn't feel the same way about me? With this one, I want to be with her or get burnt, I do not want to give up, she's too rare to miss. Please help!!!

Thanks.

Jef


Answer
Hello Jef!

Wow, you're sure giving this woman a lot of power over you. Let me ask you (rhetorically): do you really think that is what she wants? Now, I'll answer my own question (rhetorically): not in my experience. I don't know of any woman that wants that as it flies directly in the face of her own programming.

Your age has nothing to do with this. Your approach has everything to do with it. You're actually basing your obsession with her on just a few weekly encounters. She's not the person you think she is - trust me. It takes a great deal of time to get to know someone that well. You're going on just a few attributes gleaned from a (relatively) few encounters. She damn-well knows this.

Therein lies your answer. You need to get some face time with this woman - away from the field and in person - so that you can:

1) Find out who she REALLY is,
2) See if she meets YOUR goals, (you DO have clear, written, specific relationship goals, don't you?)
3) Find out what SHE needs in order to see you as a potential mate and partner, and
4) Become that man.

How many of those things have you done? From your question, it looks like you've done none of them and that is where you need to get started.

Jef, put away that notion that she's "perfect" for you. She's not simply because you don't even know what perfection would be. You may as well have written to me saying she's perfect because she has blond hair or big tits. It's just as meaningful.

Get organized, take back your power and go make something of this.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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