Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/8/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Doc,

     I've liked this girl for about 3-4 months already.Initially when i got to know her, she was really nice and we were really close. We used to message and talk alot almost every day. She was very nice to me. For e.g. , there was once when she went overseas and i told her i would miss her. She said awww, and that i would probably be occupied to miss her. She also said she would catch up with me when she came back and guess what, she did. However, this lasted only for a month. We were not as close anymore. She kept her limits with me. For example, there was once i called her sweetie and she told me that i better not be serious about it. Then recently i found out that she got back with her ex boyfriend. I asked my friend to talk to her and find out whether it was true.  My friend asked her if i and her had no hope of being together. She hesitantly said yes, and her reason was that because she was with someone else. I tried to forget about her but i cannot since i really fell in love with her. I still havent stopped messaging her though. Recently, she thanked me for my concern over her because she was feeling sad over her bad results. I really want to win her from her boyfriend. What should i do. By the way we are both in the same college while that boyfriend of hers is in another. Tks alot in advance.

ANSWER: Hello Bobby!

Frankly, you may have totally missed your chance.

You needed to move things forward when you had the chance. This is something women do all the time. They use guys against each other. She may have been showing you all that attention in order to get her ex-boyfriend to make some kind of move, which he obviously did. Now that she has him, she doesn't need you any more.

If you had ignored all of her statements about not being too serious about things and just forged ahead - making ANY attention you had given her contingent on her reciprocating - you would have been able to turn this into something.

Instead, you sat back waiting for her to make all the moves - and she did - right into her ex-boyfriend's arms.

Now, you look weak and unsure of yourself. That is exactly the opposite of the image she needs to have of you in order to be attracted to you.

Your only hope now is to get scarce and start dating other girls. She needs to have time to miss you (if she's ever going to at all) before you might have a chance with her again. This means zero-contact. No initiating texts or calls or running into her - nothing for at least a few months. If she contacts you, short responses only like "yes" or "ok".

Distance and starting to date other girls are your only tools now.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Doc,

Tks for your advice. But i have another query. How is the scarcity of me going to have an impact on her? What if she takes it that I am not interested anymore and continues with her boyfriend? And why should i go for other girls when she is still in my heart. Tks in advance.

Bobby

ANSWER: Hello again Bobby!

This is a common misconception that most guys carry. They think that they have to be in the girl's face constantly or she'll forget about him. Not so. In fact, being distant let's her feminine mind build you up in ways you can't possibly do on your own.

You go for other girls for two reasons:

1) It changes you. When you have options, you don't put too much weight on any one girl (as you are with this one) and if one doesn't work out, who cares? This makes these girls work harder to get your attention. More important, it gives them something to shoot for.

2) It gives you "social proof" - when someone else is interested in you, it makes other girls think, "Hmm....there must be something to him." Why do you think that girls seem to come out of the woodwork when you already have a girlfriend but seem to be non-existent when you don't?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello doc,

I followed your advise and maintained zero contact with her for at least one week or so. But after that i couldn't resist the temptation to talk to her so i did continue talking to her, not as regularly though. Recently i managed to comfort her about a problem she had in school, and she thanked me for making hr feel better. After that i think she began to look at me as a closer friend. And i also found out through her blog that she just broke up with her boyfriend. But she doesn't know that i know that. So what do i do now? Is there any hope for me? Tks in advance.  

Answer
Hey Bobby!

There's only hope for you if you'll do what you have to do; and frankly, I'm not sure you will. You're so addicted to this girl that you'd rather satisfy your addiction than to do the hard work to make her yours. Frankly, I think we're both wasting our time.

You need to start turning this into something other than a friendship. What you're doing instead is making the friendship the primary focus between the two of you.

Have you gone out and started dating other girls like I told you? (answer: no, you haven't) Have you pulled way, way back and let her come to you? (answer: no, you haven't.)

Bobby, if you have a better plan, then, I suggest you do it. You're not listening to or following mine and that means you're wasting my time where I could be helping other people that really want it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"