Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 7/30/2009

Question
Dear Doctor,

I'm nineteen and I met this girl of the same age a year back in 2008. She was a waiter and I was a customer there and yeah, at one time we talked. I complimented her and told her she was attractive and I think she took it well. However, I forgot to ask for her number.

Then after some time, I got her number from a friend and I called her up after that. She kinda forgot about me but we talked and we exchanged e-mail addresses as well. After checking out her blog, I kinda found that this person is "THE PERSON OF MY DREAMS". She looked nice but her values and everything about her was just so perfect. I dare say that 100% I love this person because of her personality. Her strenghts complimented my flaws and my strengths complimented her flaws and vice versa.

The thing is at first I tried to get to know her and even tried to get her to come out and meet up but she doesn't really know me so it's hard and yeah, we've never really met. I know she's not a man cause I've seen her before but she kinda forgot how I looked.

Then one day I managed to convince her to go out with me but she kinda bailed at the last minute. She said that she was busy which was true cause I know for a fact that her life was kinda hectic. I was really sad so I left her and moved on.

I tried to meet other people but they just weren't her and they could never come close to what she was. After some time, I went to her site and commented a bit on her stuff and she replied. She didn't really remember me cause I left for almost half a year. I told her who I was again and she didn't really comment on that but she still responded to me.

I think this person is really the one and nobody could make me feel the way she makes me feel and I'm not kidding cause I've seen a lot of people before her. Please please help doc. Help me get to break the barrier and get her to know me so she would feel comfortable with me cause I know with that done, I would really have no problem getting her. All I want is a chance. Please help doc!

Answer
Hello KC!

Ok, let's deal with this first: you DO NOT "love" this girl. KC, you don't even know her regardless of what you read in her blog! Someone's writing is not that person. It's only a small fraction of who they are. That means that you have to extend your own values into the areas about her that you don't yet know about.

The reason why you need to accept this is that if you actually believe you're in love with her, you give away all your own power - and ability to actually have her. In other words, if you think you love her, that she's your "soul mate" or whatever, what happens if you can't get her? Your entire world will come crashing down. That will make you do entirely the wrong things here and will almost guarantee that you're going to fail with her.

Thus, get over this ridiculous notion right now!

Another example is your acceptance that she's "busy". She's busy? Really? She's too busy to meet the potential love of her life? She's THAT busy?

Come on here KC! That's utterly ridiculous!

The problem is that you're chasing this girl (which you think you have to because you think you're in love with her and have given her all your power!)

KC, you've got to stop chasing this girl. Think of this something like feeding a bird out of your hand. If you put food in your hand and walk over to the bird, it'll fly away, right? On the other hand, if you simply put that hand out and be patient, the bird will eventually get so curious that it'll come over and eat the food right from your hand.

What you need to do is to start creating value in this girl's eyes for you. You can't possibly do that while you think you're in love with her. All this makes you do is chase the "shiny object" (her) and she wonders why you have to work so hard if you're really someone she should get to know.

Instead, you need to be dating other girls because this gives you value in girls' eyes. Have you ever notice how when you're with one girl, other girls seem to be more interested in you? Why do you think that is?

Likewise, you've got to become more of the things she is looking for. The problem is that you're trying to impress her what YOU think is of value - not what SHE thinks is of value! That's what you need to find out - what she values - and then simply become that guy to her.

When you do this and THEN ask her out, she's not going to be "too busy" - trust me.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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