Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/12/2009

Question
QUESTION: I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year. Her parents and sibling like me and my family likes her so it seems we're destined to be married in the near future. However, for the past few months I've notice some changes in her like the frequency of her texts has decreased, she doesn't say "I love you" anymore (maybe because I didn't reciprocate the 3 words to her that much), she's becoming too judgmental telling me I don't do this and I don't do that, she says that I don't compliment her anymore, etc. The thing is, I don't confront her with this things thinking that being nonchalant about it would not cause any further stress. Anyway, a few days ago we had a talk and she said that she feels I'm not into her and that maybe I don't really love her but I told her the contrary that I do love her. She says she doesn't "feel" that I love her. She asked for a break - to give her time and space - so she could "find herself" I told her I respect her request and I'm willing to give her the time and space. Right now, I'm thinking that I shouldn't have given into her request..I feel that our relationship is failing but I still do love her and I want to win her back. Could you please help me with this problem? What should I do in the next few days or weeks? Is this the end of our relationship?

Thanks and hope you reply soon.



ANSWER: Hello Elvin!

You're making a classic mistake that many men make. You think that by treating it as a non-issue it'll go away. Elvin, it won't. It's going to grow and will soon become the hingpin of your relationship if you don't deal with it now.

You're right - you shouldn't have given her that break. Breaks are bad, mmkay??? Go to my website (http://BeingAMan.tv) and click on "Videos". From there click on "Self Help" and watch the video on Breaks for more.

Ultimately, nagging and pulling away are signs not just that she's losing interest in you, but that you're not standing up to be the man in this relationship. You're just letting things pass without dealing with them directly - and firmly. This break thing is just one example of it. So is the nagging and questioning of your interests in her.

If you want this relationship to go any further you'd better get onto this right now - and keep on it. What you don't (yet) realize is that YOU control the relationship here - NOT HER. You're LETTING her control it and she views that as you being weak and not doing your job.

Here's what you need to do (unless you WANT to end this relationship and move on, then do nothing):

Contact her and say, "I've thought about it and no, I'm not giving you a break. Either we're a team or we're not. If you want to break up with me, then do it, but I'm not giving you time to 'find yourself' or any such thing. Now, get your little butt over here and stop this nonsense."

Every single time you start to feel nagged, you need to nip it in the bud as well. Tell her "no" and stop tolerating that behavior. It's amazing that this simple action will change things pretty dramatically. As well, if you need things from her, TELL HER. If you need to hear "I love you" from her, tell her when and how often.

Elvin, it's YOUR job to direct where this relationship is going. By putting that responsibility in her hands or avoiding it yourself (same thing) you're actually causing her to both lose respect and love for you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Dennis,

Alright, I still want this relationship to continue. It's midnight now so I plan to contact her tomorrow to setup a meeting.. my terms. What should be my posture when I meet her tomorrow? To be honest, I'm at a loss at how I should conduct myself when I meet her.. It's been some time that I'll be this direct and I'm sure she'll be surprised. I would really need you advise on this.

Thanks,

Elvin

ANSWER: Hello again Elvin!

Your posture? Absolute resolve to get what you want just the way you want it. Thus, you're going to have to decide exactly what that is first.

Just take a few moments to imagine how you want your relationship to be. Try to be as clear on this as possible because you're going to have to tell her this tomorrow.

By the way, unless you read and work fast, it's not going to help you too much for tomorrow, but will in the future: I strongly urge you to read "Being a Man in a Woman's World". It has the very exercise you need to answer that question - and frankly, a lot more.

Yes, she's going to be surprised, but the result will be her being thrilled by it as well.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dennis,

I followed your advise and I contacted her this morning and told her that I'm not giving her the time to "find herself" and asked that we meet at a restaurant near her office after work. Basically, she thought I was angry and she said she's surprised. At first she said that if we could wait till the weekend since she was swamped with work in the office and I said NO and told her that we need to work this out today and I didn't want to prolong the situation. She told me that my text messages were scaring her (I contacted her thru SMS). I told her that I was not angry and I explained maybe she's surprised that now I'm taking an active role in our relationship. Then what she said kind of bothered me.. she told me that she's not used to that kind of approach and that "I dare not treat her that way". I told her I need her to be flexible and supportive to my request and I even said that I was also swamped with work but I'm putting more effort into working things out. I also told her that I feel she's disrespecting me. AT last she agreed to meet later but she added that she felt offended that I felt that she was disrespecting me. Was I too harsh with my approach? I really hope we could work things out later but I'll keep in mind that from now on I should be in control. What do you think?

Thanks again and hope you can enlighten me again before I meet her later.

regards,

Elvin

Answer
Hey Elvin!

No, you weren't too harsh with your methodology, but keep in mind that you need to make your actions contingent on her following them. In other words, the net result of her not doing what you want is that she's going to lose you and you'll find someone else right away. That's her motivation to get this dealt with and frankly, what she's looking for.

Her reaction by the way is perfectly normal, classic stuff. She's been in control all this time and now, you're stepping up to take that back from her. She has no real reason to believe that you're going to follow up with action here any more than you had in the past. Thus, she has to challenge you to see if you're serious.

When you get together to work things out, treat it more like "I've made a decision and this is how it's going to play out..." sort of thing. Don't ask her what she wants, tell her what you expect and if she can't do that, then she's going to have to lose out and you're moving on without looking back.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"