Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/6/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dr. Neder. I have unexpectedly fallen incredibly deeply in love with one of my new employees that is much younger; I really don't know how she feels. I tell myself to move on, but I am so totally overcome with emotion about her, beyond all logic, that everything in my life is being consumed by my thoughts about her, to the point that I want to give everything up just for a chance to be her lover and more. To be clear, I am not sexually harassing her. I tried to do something about it outside of work and talked with her about it, but I botched it so badly that I barely was able to beg her forgiveness, promising never to try anything or talk about it again. But it has been months now, and I am getting worse, all I can think about is how to win her. I have been in "love" before, but never have experience this consuming depth of emotion about a woman, and I am sure I will never again. Is there anything I can do?

ANSWER: Hello Sam!

Frankly, what I fear is that it CAN happen again! In fact, it very well might with many other women in the future.

I wish I knew more about how you think you "botched things" with her. It's unfortunate that you might have had a chance and now that seems to have gone away. These things can be fleeting and often, if you don't move things forward when you have the chance, that chance simply vanishes.

At this point, you have a major addiction to her. It seems that she doesn't share this interest in you however. That addiction can make you focus so exclusively that you can't see things clearly. Unfortunately, this will also cause you to do things that won't help but far more important, may actually harm you and your work.

The easiest way to get over this addiction is to get 100% distance from her for as long as it takes to clear your head of the fog. That could take weeks or months or even years. The obvious problem you have is that she works for you. Thus, unless you're willing to quit, or she happens to find a better job, you're constantly immersed with her in that environment.

You should start by going to my site (http://BeingAMan.com) and clicking on "self help", then "miscellaneous articles". There, you'll find the "34c Deprogramming Miracle Cure". Study this and apply it and see if it helps you. If not, you're going to need to seek some counseling to get over this addiction to her.

Sam, don't wait. You need to get moving on this right away or you risk losing absolutely everything here. Trust me on this - I've seen it happen over and over again with really great men.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Dr. Neder, I botched it by telling her, rather coldly, that I loved her and wanted her, asking her if she would have an affair with me. She reacted shocked, saying she was in love with her boyfriend, but she never said she did not feel anything for me. I found out she then spent the next 24 hours crying; she then called me a (really bad person) to my face still crying, saying how could I take advantage of her like that; I did not really understand what was happening, but I admitted guilt anyway, apologized profusely and said I would never speak of it again. This all happened a day or two after I impulsively opened my arms to her and she came to me to get a full body hug, with a almost kiss as we briefly faced each other with both our open lips almost touching - I did not complete the action and abruptly walked away pretending it didn't happen; I don't know why. Right after the hug she turned a bright red and just about stumbled away smiling and saying "oh you're so tall". That unplanned incident led me to conclude I loved her and I needed to have her, and that maybe she felt the same; I even began plans to ask her to marry me. Thus my confession, a misguided attempt at being honorable; perhaps her logic overcame her temptation, I will never know I guess. Talk about missing the signals, I probably should have read your website and books before that happened, maybe I would be the happiest person alive right now.  Your de-programming article unfortunately seems to need to make her look bad, but everyone knows her to be a really nice, good person. I think by calling what I am going through "addiction"(which is ugly)instead of "being in love" (which is beautiful, and which I have had enjoyed ever so briefly with this woman for the first time in my life, and I really don't think will ever happen again) you are trying to help me accept the hopelessness of trying to win a lost battle. "Addiction" brings this feeling I have down to its basic elements of chemicals taking over my body. I hope I can accept that; I called a therapist today, my appointment is on Tuesday. I sincerely appreciate your advice.

Answer
Hello again Sam!

To be frank; I wouldn't call what you have "beautiful" at all. I'd never wish this on anyone.

I'm glad you're getting some help with this. I've seen far too many men that try to deal with it all by themselves and ruin entire families, careers and lives.

The good news is that you'll come out of this much stronger and wiser and be ready for that love with someone else that can return it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"