Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/5/2009

Question
Hi my name is Matt I'm 25 years old. My ex and I have been separated for almost a year and were together for over 3 years. I ended up cheating on her and ruining everything and now I feel worthless like a total waste of life for betraying her like that. How can I get her to feel attracted to me again? so we can save our family and raise our son together. She is the only woman for me I love her more than anything. So any kind of advise would be very appreciated thank you very much for your time.

Answer
Hello Matt!

You haven't given me much to work with here, but I'll give you some generic ideas on what you can do.

First of all, you need to realize that her dumping you was more about punishment than anything else. She is (effectively) using your son as leverage to get you back for betraying her. Frankly, your real betrayal was letting her find about about the affair in the first place. You likely did this to alleviate your own guilt which obviously didn't work. The first rule is to never bring that pain home in the first place.

To be honest, I think that this women is very selfish. All she's thinking about is her own feelings here and not your son's - the most important of the 3 of you. He didn't do anything to cause this and is simply the victim of the two adults fighting. He deserves to grow up with his father in his life. Unfortunately, you didn't bother marrying this girl so that you had at least some influence. Right now, she has all the power and you have absolutely none of it.

If you're not already in contact with her, you need to be. You need to get a line of communication open to her and (especially) your son. You need to tap into those things that caused her to be attracted to you originally. Think back on this and try to remember what you had together and draw that back. If you have things that will remind her of it, I suggest you get those things into her hands, whatever they are: photos, mementos, songs, food, etc.

You might even suggest that you and she take your son out for a day at the park or something fun. The point is to keep things light, positive and up-beat. Try to get her to remember the good times you had and give her the promise of more of them.

I'm sure you've apologized to her many times over the affair so I wouldn't do any more of that. Instead, express to her how you've changed since then, but don't reward her by telling her that her punishment of you for the last year worked. That's the wrong message. Instead, explain to her how YOU'VE grown and where your priorities now lay - with your son and (if she plays her cards right) with her.

Ultimately, this is about your son far more than it's about either of you. It's critically important for him to have his daddy in his life. Hopefully her hurt and anger aren't so deep that she can't think of his best interests. You might also need some professional help for your relationship to get over this as well, but try the things I've given you first.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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