Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 8/18/2009

Question
Hello there Dr.Neder. My name is Aaron im 25 years of age and ive recently met this girl she is 22  and her name is kirsty right introductions done. We first met about 3 months ago and initially she was just part of a group that all went out together, i went away for a weeke and bought her a present told her about it and one night she decided to meet me out on my own we had a great laugh and ended up back at mine and ended up kissing this continued everytime we were out together even in groups whenever we were on our own we ended up all over each other , right anyways since then we have been going out on our own just clubbing drinking and the norm she calls me almost everyday  or texts me she got jealous about me talking to another girl the other day  as well . However there are also two other guys really interested in her and last week when were down the pub she totally ignored me all night and sat talking to this other guy  at the end of the night we ended up back at mine and ended up sleeping together we have since slept tgoether again , when i asked her what was going on between us she said werer just mates and that she dosnt want a boyfriend   but also she tells me in another sentence  she tells me i remind her oof her first boyfriend and that he is the only guy she has ever loved i know she has been shit on in the past by other guys. you see when we were just kissing and stuff i was fine going out and rinking partying with her but since we have slept together i cant help but get really jealous of her talking to other guys which effects my mood and its starting to show.  i do really like her but do not want to pressurise the situaution of telling her i want to be with her and possibly scare away what ive got with her at the moment i dont know what to do anymore  its killing me how do i know if she likes me  and how do i as the headline of this section states attract her to wanting to be with me and only me any help would be greatly appreciated

Answer
Hello Aaron!

I love the idea that you're trying to conserve energy here by not using any punctuation whatsoever, but all you're doing is causing ME to use more energy trying to figure out what in the hell you're saying! I have no idea where something ends and where something else begins. For piss sakes Aaron, have a little respect and courtesy and use some damn punctuation so I don't have to freakin' read your mind! Next time, I'll just reject your question so you can rewrite it - just like they did when you were in school.

First off, whatever happened to her in her past is not your problem. What are you, her therapist? Hmmm...I wonder what SHE did that caused the mistreatment? Of course, you weren't there, so she'll just tell you that she did nothing and didn't deserve it. In my experience, that RARELY happens - and I mean RARELY. Forget about what happened in her past, it's neither an excuse nor an alibi. You aren't responsible for it - or for fixing it.

As to whether she likes you or not - come on here Aaron! You've banged her multiple times. Do you really think she'd be sleeping with you if she didn't like you? Do you have any idea how insecure this makes you look - in HER eyes?? Nothing will turn a woman off faster than an insecure guy. You need to get this handled right away.

Regarding her flirting with other guys, you have a number of things you need to do. First off, stop going to that pub! You need to find one where she doesn't know these guys. Second, you need to make her rude, bad behavior cost her something. You do this by hitting on other women and if possible, leaving with a few of them.

You also walk up to some guys she's flirting with and saying, "Hey, do you want to take her home? I'm outta here."

Instead, you're so worried that you might lose her or that she doesn't want a relationship with you, you're letting her control everything. Again, just more pussy behavior. Why would you put up with that disrespect?? No WONDER she doesn't want a relationship - with you! Would YOU want a relationship with you when you're forcing her to have to do all your work for you?

When she gives you that crap about her ex being the only guy she ever loved, you just say, "Wow, that sounds so sad and pathetic because your actions are going to insure that he's the ONLY love you'll ever have the rest of your life!"

Aaron, the problem here is that you've given away all your power. You've been "hanging out" with this girl which is absolutely going to put you exactly where you are - not where you want to be. You're not standing up for what you want and deserve at all and forcing her (through your lack of action) to do all your work for you here. You don't have to give what you have with her a name (such as "relationship") as long as you DO have what you want.

Until all of that changes, you're only going to have what she thinks you deserve.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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