Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/6/2009

Question
Hey there Dr. Neder, I'm going to go straight to the point here, iv liked this girl for about a year now, and we have the same feelings for each other, but as a youth worker and also a shift worker, it makes things STUPIDLY difficult, we've gone out a couple times in the past, but it doesn't seem to work as she usually goes home with friends, but, here's the kicker, she, i personally believe, has feelings for her ex of 4 years still, and i really don't know how to get past this, and to add more complication to the predicament, i have a son... do i just play as the nice guy who is always there when needed, or do the opposite and run a mile when she calls or texts... what do i do, i really do have genuine feelings for this person, and she has feelings for me
Thanks for your time, and i hope to hear from you

Answer
Hello Mike!

Wait a minute here. If you and she are going out (as in a "date" - NOT "hanging out" - that's what losers and dating-fools do!) then why in the hell is she going home with friends????

Something is way, WAY wrong with this! If you're going out on dates, you need to pick her up and take her home. You shouldn't even be seeing ANY of her (or your) friends! Mike, you have some severe problem here that is far beyond the problem with the ex.

Or, perhaps that IS the problem!

If you are just acting like the friend with her, NO WONDER she's focused on the ex! You're telling her through your actions that you're too much of a pussy to actually DATE this girl. She's longing for someone that will, ergo, she's thinking about the last guy (or one of them) that WOULD pull that trigger - her ex!

Do you see what I'm saying here? It's actually YOU that is CREATING her re-kindling of desire for her ex! What else can she do? She doesn't see a real man in sight, and this ghost gets all of her attention!

Now, ever worse, what message are you teaching your own son? Do you think he's going to learn how to be a man if dear old dad doesn't know how?

NO! You DO NOT just play the "nice guy". Nice guys really DO finish last when it comes to dating. You seem to think that by being considerate of her and her time and her past and her lack of that so-much-needed masculine energy that she'll eventually come to love you?

Mike, that little game never has worked, and never will work.

Likewise, if you bolt, she'll get the exact same message about you being weak and cowardly!

What about calling her up and saying, "Clear Friday night, we're going out to have some fun. I'll be there at 8 pm - right on time - so be ready." Then, you actually show up, and pull her to you, open the date with a kiss (something I'll bet you've never done with her) and get this moving forward?

Too bold? I disagree! I think it's just bold enough!

Mike, either get going or get the hell out of the way so some other guy can give this girl what she really needs.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
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