Expert: Dr. Dennis W. Neder - 9/22/2009

Question
QUESTION: Hello, This is rather a long question...am 30 n she is 23. I met this girl through my ex-gf, who her classmate in the college 3+yrs ago and i like her. Recently, she came back to the city to do her PG degree, somehow I had her old number and I called her to ask how she's doing,etc. I got to meet her after 2+yrs when she ask me if I can come with to the university to get her marks card and then, we went 3-4times together to  the university, just accompany her. Later, she came over to my place to get some DVD and one day for lunch we cook together at my home...went out few times for lunch, movies and even shopping. All this time, I was the one asking her out..most of the time she comes if she is not busy. Though we don’t much talk on the phone.

One thing I like her about is, she is a very mature, I think we get along well when we talk and share about ideas, likes and dislikes..lots of things we have in common.. I laugh at her jokes...I really enjoy spending time with her and but am not sure, if she has been going out with me since I helped her by going to the university together. Anyway, she talks about her boyfriend 2yrs older than her...but she used to say, she don't really love him say, 25% of it. She is unsure about her future with this guy even parents won't approve, BF is not mature, etc But she is sticking on because she dont want to hurt him. They've been like 2+yrs going steady. I'm really confused whether she likes me or not. The problem is the age differences I was thinking like I am too old for her..she deserve and would want younger person. I can think of commitment and marriage but she is like two more years to complete her studies and want to concentrate on her career. What should I do? How will I know is the right time to tel about my feelings....I think she knows that I like her. I dont know her signs..please help.


ANSWER: Hello Athi!

First of all, there is no "right time" to tell her about your feelings for her. If you do that, you're going to lose her entirely.

Think about this for a minute. What do you hope to gain by telling her you're interested in her? That she says, "Oh Athi! I feel the same way!" and then she'll have done all your work for you? Trust me, she's not going to do that. You'll only come off as a coward - afraid to move things forward with her.

A couple of things you didn't mention: first of all, she's back in town. Does that mean that she's going to be leaving again and that her boyfriend is in another city? Those things make a big difference. If she's leaving relatively soon - say within the next month or two, you don't have much to work with. On the other hand, if she's staying for some time, there's a great deal you can do.

Likewise with the boyfriend, (although, to be honest, boyfriends are rarely a problem - it's easier to steal someone else's girlfriend than to keep one!) If he's out of town, it's as good as him not even being the boyfriend in the first place and you can act like he doesn't matter.

In any case, you need to move this forward, but not as her "friend", as her boyfriend. If you become the friend, you'll never be anything else.

In order to be her boyfriend, you need to act like one. Start dating this girl and creating a habit - and expectation - with her that you'll be together on a regular basis. Weekends, holidays, birthday, etc. should all be part of the plan. As well, you're going to have to kiss this girl and get that out of the way. Just remember: first kisses are stolen, never negotiated. Thus, you want to bring this at some time when she's no exactly expecting it. Other wise, you'll get the cheek rather than the lips - it's a natural female response.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello Dr.Dennis...thank you so much. Yes, she will study for another 2yr while her present boyfriend is in another city which is in her hometown...I used meeting her regularly this days but not exactly like a dating since we go out for some work together like I use to help her before her class starts. She never call me but yesterday evening she called and later text me like "can we meet for sometime?", then we went to a coffee shop but there was nothing like signal that I get from her...She come to my house, but I dont know how will I move forward to kiss her. Even today I was with her to change hair color from my friend's place. We are again meeting this Wednesday as she wanted to buy a laptop and again we are planning for Mr Big concert this 10th Oct...so much plan ahead but I really dont know how to move forward with her cuz I really dont know what is her feeling; she just want to be a friend with me or just that she is bored alone so she need somebody to accompany or if she missing someone. I'll tell you she is someone who keep her distance and doesnt easily get to know, She is not easy to approach types, no attitudes though but soft-spoken...I don't know what does she really want. I would say if its some other girl say I would've come to know whether they are into me or not. How do I move forward with this girl? Do I need to kiss her but I've even touch her hands...Haven't develop that physical proximity comfort level so kissing is not so easy...

ANSWER: Hello again Athi!

What you're actually doing is helping her to keep her affection alive for her boyfriend. You're soothing her when she's feeling lonely so that she doesn't have to miss him that much. That would be find if you were also transferring her feelings for him to you - you're not.

Instead, you're comforting her and letting her set the pace of everything. No woman wants that - trust me. It's YOUR relationship here. You're the man, (right?) That means that it's either your way or no way.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you again.....Will she lose interest in me if we go out often since we aren't bf/gf yet...our meeting casual. How should I break the ice.

Answer
Hey Athi!

Yes. If you go out as "friends" you become friends and women simply don't enter relationships with their friends.

You break the ice by kissing her.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! TV
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"